Find Senior Care (City or Zip)
Join Now Log In
J
jelbiry Posted September 2021

Mom is abusive and mean, then flips the switch and is loving and supportive. Roller coaster anxiety.

Can’t take the see saw. As soon as she has me up off the ground and flailing, she then drops me to the ground and becomes kind and loving. Just when I vow to force her to take a taxi and care for herself, I am reeled back in. If my sister and I don’t take care of her myriad problems, who will? We take her abuse daily. She is an alcoholic who put ALL of this on herself, yet she cannot be bothered to see a counselor. We book doctor appts and she complains that we are meddling. We stay in touch with her sister and we are meddling. She is a selfish cantankerous miserable person who abused us as children and now expects us to come calling at her every whim. I am only 52, my sister (who took the brunt of her selfishness) is only 49. I hate this. She is only 78 and I cringe that she will batter us into her 90’s.

rovana Sep 2021
Really you do not have to put up with her abuse. If she has driven everyone away, well, that's on her, right? Nobody is anyone else's lawful prey!! Can you and your sister form a united front to deal with her? Decide what you are willing to do and refuse to go beyond that? No need to come just because she calls. As soon as she starts dishing out abuse, walk away. You have tried to help her, in the hope of having a decent relationship with her, but it not working out. Realistically, she sounds like a narcissist. Keep in mind that these people can be very charming, when they want to get something from you. Put on a great act. The reality of their narcissism comes when you say no. That is their "real" self.
So do not be taken in by "sweetness and light", but keep your distance. For your own protection - keep in mind that NO ONE has the right to abuse you. And you have the right to protect yourself by limiting contact.

Isthisrealyreal Sep 2021
Talk about emotional and psychological abuse, yee gads!

You DO NOT have to be battered by her. You can say enough is enough, I am done and walk away.

You are 52 years old, you do not have to obey your mommy.

Tell her you are done with her alcoholic bull crap and her choices have consequences, the main one being she has lost her scratching posts. Encourage your sibling to run as far and fast as they can with you.

ADVERTISEMENT


Tribe16 Sep 2021
Jelbiry,
Firstly I'm so sorry you are going through this. This is a hard, hard hand of cards you've been dealt. If you go to YouTube and just type in "elderly narcissist parents" there are so many good videos there. There is also a good forum (I flip between these two all the time) called Out Of the FOG (FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Their website is https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php. It's for anybody who is dealing with somebody with any kind of personality disorder. Lots of camaraderie and suggestions.

The main thing is you don't have to take the abuse. Easier said than done, but you can love/manage from a distance. Best wishes to you.

Midkid58 Sep 2021
This is typical Narcissitic behavior and you will always lose when you try to 'fight it'. You will always lose when you give in to it.

My mom and MIL are both Narc queens. MIL is worse, but the two of them--holy cow, the dramas we have endured!

Step away and step out as fast as you can. Don't engage in negative talk with her. Talk to sis and be on the same page as per her tantrums.

At 78? She could go on 20 more years. Our moms are both 91 and will probably live forever. It's taken us 40+ years to figure out how to deal with them.

I have stopped having ANY kind of relationship with my MIL at all. I know people think I am cruel, but it has to be this way. With my own mom, when she gets 'that way' I just say "I'll talk to you later when you feel better" and walk away.

You and sis get to a support group for families of alcoholics. We don't have that need, but the stratagems employed are simply self saving and that's what matters.

ADVERTISEMENT

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter