Follow
Share

I am an only child..In 2015 my father passed away at the age of 88. Immediately I packed up my life and moved back home to assist my mom as she cannot live alone. I now know why my poor pops never made it out alive. Currently she has somewhat managed CHF, COPD,, melanoma x2, invasive breast cancer, which she did chemo and radiation for. It came back and in 2017 I nursed her back from a double mastectomy… emptying drains every 2 hrs and changing dressings. She wouldn’t allow a nurse in the house. She thinks everyone wants to steal from her. She has to ingest 24 pills every day to stay alive and has oxygen at home that is also used daily. She’s had it all. Yet she continues to steam roll through life, purposefully trying to hurt me as often as she can. She looks at me with absolute hate in her eyes. She twists things to relatives and paints me as a horrible daughter who I remind her of constantly of my “grifting, deceased father”. Her words, not mine. She wakes up ready with an argument and anger on 100. Granted she was always a fire cracker. Always a narcissist. I'm sorry I’m here complaining but I am just broken. Beyond broken. All of the childhood abuse has come back to me full circle. Aside from the hitting, pinching and pulling my nose, my hair…..That all ended with high school….somehow she learned to put the brakes to the physical abuse The damage was already done though. I think she knows I won’t take it. I’m in my 40s now so maybe that’s why. Anyhow I appreciate this forum. There are days I cry my eyes out feeling so alone And then I find myself daydreaming of the day she is gone….but the guilt of such a sinful thought takes me right back to reality. Year 6 y’all. I’ve actually read posts from people who have lost their mother and wish it were me. I have to ask God every night to forgive my sinful thoughts. Hoping for peace and maybe some love eventually. Both long term relationships I’ve had ended because they were abusive ( go figure ) so now I choose to be alone. I don’t trust my “desperation for love” decisions so I’m much safer alone. Aside from that because of her wealth anyone I would bring home will be fully investigated. She threatens to remove me from a full inheritance as her nieces and nephews would be much more deserving and appreciative. Again her words. I feel as though she is resentful of me and my good health. Imagine your own mother constantly telling you….you MUST have cancer, you PROBABLY have high blood pressure, THAT has to be a blood clot etc. And the thing is I am a health nut. I don’t eat certain foods and have weighed the same weight since high school. Probably too sad to even want to eat most days…don’t drink alcohol and am in bed every night by 10:30pm. I feel she would love for me to be sick. Isn’t that crazy? Ahhh what a life. Relatives and others are hateful towards me because of her money. I just cannot win. People looking in think I am so fortunate because of all that she has amassed but little do they know her daughter’s struggle is very, very real….

Two things. First is what Jesus said, quoted in verse 7, chapter 12 of the Gospel according to St Matthew: “I desire mercy, and not sacrifice’. You don’t ‘have to ask God every night to forgive my sinful thoughts’. God made you with a brain, you are using it. Of course you would be better off if she died peacefully in her sleep. It would end the sacrifice that you aren’t intended to make.

Second comment is that you say that she has stopped the physical abuse she handed out to you as a child, because ‘I think she knows I won’t take it’. You don’t have to take any of the abuse. You stopped some of it, why not stop ‘taking’ the rest of it. Shout back at her and tell her what you REALLY think of her. What have you got to lose?
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report

"I just cannot win." 

* You 'win' by setting boundaries and putting yourself first, for survival.
* You 'win' by focusing on YOUR mental, spiritual, mental, and physical health.
* You 'win' by deciding to leave the care of your mom to caregivers.
* It isn't really winning once you remove yourself from her narcissistic behavior; it is survival and respecting that you deserve a quality life.

* You likely need to be in therapy yesterday.

To say: I'm sorry I’m here complaining but I am just broken. Beyond broken."
* Saying this AND continuing the cycle shows how wounded you are.

* Allow your mother to make her own decisions.
- She can legally if she is not diagnosed otherwise.
- You may need psychological counseling to remove yourself for the pattern of this relationship with your mother which likely has gone for decades, if not from birth.
- Allowing your mother to make her own decisions will be very difficult for you.
* You want a mother who hasn't been there for you - perhaps never - because she couldn't / doesn't know how.
* You have been so beaten up that your self esteem and self respect has been buried deep inside you (it is there . . . to come out!) to create a healthy life-style learning who you are inside.

I am not being judgmental; I'm responding to how you express yourself and your behavior / the dynamics you are involved in with your mom - and the CHOICES you have [and continue to] make

* Learn to love yourself as if you are your own mother. I had to learn this - because my mother didn't have the skills or experience to do so; she never learned to love herself so how could she love your child/ren? and teach them to have self-esteem and self-respect?

I am sure that it is not unusual for wounded women to have children; we, the child, need to learn we have to do for our self --- do the inner work --- that our mother didn't have the tools / inner resources to do / healthy mothering.
God bless you and Namaste,
Gena / Touch Matters
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to TouchMatters
Report
DrivingMsDaisy Jul 30, 2021
Yes the abuse goes back to as far as I can remember. Her relationship with my dad was very strained ….he spent 3 decades living in a cottage type home where he remained until his last days. I was in grade 2 when he semi-left us….and that is exactly when the real abuse started. A little girl. Her abuse really impacted my entire life. Bringing homework home that I didn’t understand ended up in physical abuse at the kitchen table because if I didn’t grasp it in a few minutes she would do things such as squeeze and twist my nose so hard…hit my head etc. I can still recall what that pain felt like. Her business involved selling alcohol and there were so many nights she would rip me out of my bed at 2am when she would get home for things like leaving my bike outside to not putting dishes away. It got to be that the second I would hear the door handle unlock…I would instantly wake up, sitting up in my bed hoping and praying she wouldn’t make her way down the hall towards my room. I can vividly remember it all. There is so much more but I will refrain for now. I hope this isn’t TMI…it really feels therapeutic just typing this all out, crying. I ended up having a very hard time with school and just with life in general. I know you are not being judgmental. I AM broken. And nothing will change until I abandon my mothers home and care. And I agree I am in serious need of therapy.
Thank u all so so much for taking the time to offer me advice. I cannot promise I will make any of u proud by walking out of here just yet. But I will keep updating. Thanks again.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Moms CHF and COPD could be taking it tole on her. She may not be getting enough oxygen to her brain and that will cause Dementia type symptoms. Coming into the kitchen with only a T shirt on is a problem.

You need to keep telling yourself that Mom needs you more than you needs her. Stop looking for love and acceptance, Mom is not able to give it. She doesn't know how. Don't allow her to hang the inheritance over her head. Act like it doesn't matter.

Bet you have regretted giving up your life. Can you not move in with your daughter until you can get on your feet. Give Mom time to find someone who can coordinate her care. Maybe time for an AL with her health problems.

An abused child should never care for the abuser.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

DrivingMsDaisy, there's your mother, there's her illnesses, and there's others' opinions - there is your spirit that needs to be honored first.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Pasa18
Report
DrivingMsDaisy Jul 30, 2021
Thank u ♥️
(0)
Report
You are allowing yourself to be trapped.

A shelter would be a better place than living with her.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Tothill
Report

The most heartbreaking thing I'm getting out of your post, is that somehow you feel that you deserve this abuse, from the women who gave you life, and is supposed to love you unconditionally. You are so desperate for her love that you are willing to continue to tolerate her abuse, even though I believe deep down, you know you deserve better.
Do you stay because she has money and you are afraid to be without it some day? I hope and pray that isn't the reason. I'd rather live in a homeless shelter, than put up with the crap you put up with.
You are not responsible for your mom and her care. You are only responsible for yourself, and your happiness, and it doesn't sound like you've been doing a very good job of taking care of you. You can start by moving out and getting a place by yourself. Your mom has enough money to hire some outside help to come in to care for her, or even for her to move into an assisted living facility.
You really need to seek out a good therapist who can help you better understand why you continue to put up with the abuse from your mom and others, so you can once and for all break this dysfunctional hold that seems to be over your life. You are worth it, so I hope you will get the help you so desperately need. God bless you.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report
DrivingMsDaisy Jul 28, 2021
Thank u so much. Parts of your post made me cry. There are so many layers to this story that I would have to go way back to answer some of what U ask. Thank u so much…you have really set deep thoughts upon my heart. I should also let y’all know that I have 1 beautiful daughter who I keep as far away from this one as I can. (She lives 6.5 hrs north of here). I am also the proud mother of 2 adopted fur babies. One from the China meat trade and Boopy is a rescue as well. They both stay with me while I stay living here with her. They both save me each and every day. Quite literally save me. Thanks u so much again. ♥️
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
My wife's experience with her mother is similar to yours. After 22 years of caring for her at age 91 she threw in the towel and put her in a nursing home. We have our life back. Best thing she ever did. You need to do the same.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to feedup
Report

You have to decide if the inheritance is going to be worth the abuse and loss of years in your life. Should she require a lot of medical care before her end of life, it's very possible she could use it all up anyway. It's a crap shoot.

Next time she starts in with nasty remarks to you - ask her why she has spent so much her life saying and doing things to hurt you? If she holds the carrot in front to keep you trying to catch the 'orange inheritance', ask her who she would like to give her wealth to so you can call them to come manage her care as well. You might also ask her if she has a particular facility in mind so that she can live happily in another place and you can get out of her way. Don't turn any of this into a yelling match. No matter how loud she gets or nasty she gets - keep your cool and respond in a very quiet voice.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to my2cents
Report

Hire help from afar.
Thats how I handled a narcissist mother lashing out with her hate.
I used grocery store delivery (Pea Pod @ Stop & Shop) and I’d “meet her” at doctors appointments, as she needed a van with her wheelchair and oxygen.
Minimal contact, as I let HER attorney, tell her about transitioning into assisted living.
I show up for legal matters as a POA narcissist abuse survivor.
She appointed me trying to further torture me, but I handled it my way.
Do not allow her to further manipulate you.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to KristineB
Report

Your mom is evil. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I wish that you hadn’t offered to help her. She doesn’t deserve your love and care.

I can’t help but wonder if she even has you in her will. How do you know that she is leaving her money to you?

Money isn’t everything! I realize that you say that you are trapped with her. I wish you hadn’t quit your job. Can you ask her to pay a caregiver salary for your help? Some children and parents have a caregiver contact and the children receive compensation for their services.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report
DrivingMsDaisy Jul 29, 2021
I know about the details of her will because I was there when she had to redo her will after the passing of my pops. Also I am an only child. But that doesn’t mean she didn’t make a phone call and change things either. So really, as of 2021 I don’t 100% know
I stay because I am very close to God and I feel He would set a different path before me if that is what He wants. And I always have the “honour your mother and father and thy days will be long” playing over in the back of my head.
My mother would literally be alone in this house. She cannot even do simple things like fill her humidifier bottle of her oxygen tank. Grocery shop. Take out the trash. Getting the mail outside is a chore for her that takes her a good 20 minutes….and the mailbox is not that far. Her meds…all 24 of them…I help administer to her. If I leave chances are she won’t take what she is suppose to. I never want to feel responsible for her death. Not trying to argue your points at all. I appreciate all of the kind words Went to bed last night with a heavy heart because over time I believe abused people end up thinking it’s all very normal. Just making the issues here visible. Thank u so much for everything
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter