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thats true kathy.. but i think they do know, thats why they're living so far away..and trying to 'lay foundations' already.
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Ez; Exactly my point. I'm trying to avoid all the scenarios you've presented. When it comes to Mom's health directive, we are all on the same page. When it comes to the property etc, there could be problems.
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I am very surprised that the Attorney who set up the Living Trust and POA papers allowed this to pass through without some discussion about the pitfalls of having co-equal decision makers. Is there also a Living Will for Health Care? If so, are you both POA for life sustaining issues? It is common practice to have a back-up POA named in case the primary is not available when needed. Having two people who generally disagree with each other tends to make a bad situation worse and usually at the worst possible time. And that is the very situation that these Legal Tools are supposed to help us avoid. Bing "both equal beneficiaries in the trust and both executors of the Will" is not a problem if your mom's Will specifies how you are to divide up the estate. The Living Trust is meant to keep the estate out of the probate tax loop. In effect you are now co-owners of the home and other named property with your mom. When she passes on, then you two can decide on your own what to do with the home. If your sister wants to sell but you want to keep the home, you can buy her share and you both get get what you want. However, the dual POA role is more complicated. If your mom becomes incapacitated and requires Assisted Living or a Nursing Home, you and your sister would have to decide how to pay for it. If your solution is to sell or mortgage your mom's home and she refuses then there is no clear deed to the home so it cannot be sold or mortgaged and your mom is left without care
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Fixer; Thanks for your insight. We are both trying to do what's best for Mom, but we are such different types of people and would handle situations in totally different ways. It sounds like your siblings are supportive - even if it's because they don't want to do the job. We are okay regarding Mom's health wishes...it's the money where things get sticky...but then, isn't that always the way?
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I have POA for my mother along with another brother and sister. Since Mom is living with me, I take care of her monthly finances, my sister does her yearly taxes and goes to mom's doctors appointments with me. My brother lives a few hours away in the town Mom lived in before her stroke, he worked with the realtor in selling Mom's home. We all discussed and agreed on how to invest the money from the sale of her house. Although I'm making all the daily decisions regarding Mom's care I send out emails to all my siblings (there are 7 of us) updating them on how she's doing, getting their input on questions I have. They have all been very supportive, mainly because they don't want my job.

So keep communicating with your sister, do a what if scenario about the things that you are worried about. if your mother has a living will make sure both of you know what her wish are. When you are both looking at the situation as what is best for Mom, I think you'll agree or come to a compromise. Good Luck!
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Ed;

I am anticipating what I see as a possible potential problem, and I'm looking for advice and possible remedies before the problems start. I don't call that trying to be the fairest in the land...I call it being responsible and smart.
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K:

I can't believe you're locking horns to see who's the fairest in the land. Your mom wants you to share the responsibility for her care and overall well-being; not to be cat-fighting. If there are no underlying motives to this tug of war and both of you genuinely want what's in her best interest, make a list of everything she needs and split it. And you better find a way to collaborate, or your mom just might appoint someone else.

I'm sure she can sense the friction between you, and it's causing her unnecessary stress. If I were her, I'd revoke the POA.

-- ED
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Sebring, Maybe someone else on this loop can offer you advice. Having been a caregiver for my brother after his stroke, I think family just doesn't realize how much time, effort, and patience it takes to be a caregiver. If they aren't involved in the care or just pop in for fun outings etc, they have no clue how hard it is. I think you just have to remember that you are caring for you dad out of your love for him. Sometimes others just can't or aren't willing to step up to the plate. Hang in there.
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my sister and i are equal , except that im living in the house taking care of dad when she lives 7 hours away. i already know she wants to sell the house, she said that when mom died, but i gave up my sec8 and basicly my life to move in here to help dad, i dont understand why shes all visious all the sudden
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LynnPO, That's the route we've been going. Each of us saying that we don't want conflict, that Mom wouldn't like it etc. I'm hoping that is true on her part. (I know it's true on mine).

Beta, It's really a mess. I'm grateful that I had only one child and she won't have to go through this mess.
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know what you mean- i and my bro are poa - my other brother never moved out of moms home- he is 47 - she just moved in with me 5 months ago- said he was grumpy- putting it mildly- anyway the home is in the bay area- my other brother who has poa - moved out of state- he wants to kick brother out of moms house- i dont thnk my mom would like that - you never can agree - it is unfortunate
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If you want a "professional" sort of 3-rd party, contact your local area agency on aging to see if they have someone who volunteers to help elders when they become confused. Though it's not the same situation, they will have experience and understand the ramifications of all decisions. An elder attorney might also be able to hook you up with a an arbitrator or mediator who can help make decisions. Be sure to find someone who listens to both sides, to your doctors, your attorney, etc and then makes a decision. Also be sure s/he meets all state criteria. Too often I hear of mediators that are buddies with attorneys getting the job to "keep the $$ in their friendly circle...,, ;(

It might help to tell your sister - provided you DO feel this way - that you fear disagreement and that you want to ensure your relationship outlives your mom and settling her estate. Perhaps a heartfelt plea to get along will make her realize that you should let someone else make decisions when conflict comes up.
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Thanks to everyone who posted a reply. My situation is most like Nanlinjoe's...I'm hoping that we can agree to get an independent 3rd party to be the 'tie-breaker' should it become necessary. I don't know if that can be added to a POA or not, but I think we (my sister and I) would both rest easier. Thank you again. What a great website, and as Mom's condition worsens, I'm sure I'll be back. Thank you!
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My brother-in-law and I both have POA, although all three sons are on their mothers bank accounts. As long as he and I are putting his mom's welfare first and not doing what we personally want, then there has been no disagreement. If it ever came to that though, I would want the other two brothers to weigh in and make the decision. Seems logical to me.
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Another option, is to (if your sister is competent and you have confidence in her) is to just step back and let her take the reigns if she wants them. I have learned that when it comes to family, unless some harm will be done, to go the path of least resistance. Family squabbles are never pretty so it is sometimes better to just give up that control.
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My thoughts go out to you---you are in a very difficult situation. I became the POA for mom when it became apparent that it needed to be done and I am the most qualified of the 3 of us sibblings. (Not to blow my horn but a truthful statement since my sister can't even balance her own checkbook and has no computer skills, etc) I am now hated by her b/c she thinks I hold a title of glory---with no responsibilities!! Is she ever wrong! The problem that I see in your situation is how your mom would react if she knew there was tension between her two daughters and she was asked to step in and mediate. My 86 year old mom can't handle any disagreements among her kids. It really upsets her and can bring on a panic attack. Maybe your mom is different---I certainly hope so. My brother is the BACK-UP POA for me but there is still onlu one POA. Good Luck!!
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That Bobbi may have point about shared " Domains"/ However, I would try to engage your mother in the decision making process before it's too late. Your'e bound to run into trouble with the big issues such as when / if to sell the house. Money is always an issue after someone dies.

Been there/done that.
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We are both equal beneficiaries in the trust and both executors of the Will. Mom's desire is that we both share everything equally. Problem is that we are two opposites when it comes to how we do things. My fear is that there will be some disagreement as to how to handle something...say the selling of Mom's house. My sister will feel her opinion matters more because she is the oldest. She is not the most responsible.
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Try to come to a meeting of the minds when both of you have equal POA's. Are you both the beneficiaries as well? Equal beneficiaries?
There can only be one executor or personal representative. As you know POA s expire with the death of the donor.
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If you both have the exact same powers then you are going to need to be able to come to some sort of agreement. I believe other than that it would need to be heard by an arbitrator or judge. One has no more power than the other. Hopefully you will discuss various scenarios prior to the need and decide ahead of time what the plan of action will be. Keeping the lines of communication open will be very helpful. If your mother is still of sound mind, you might want to consider each of you being responsible for certain "domains". That way you can both participate, but not have to battle one another.
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