What's next and will it ever end?

Follow
Share

I recently posted a question concerning my sisters and their grudges. I admit I did not take the advice given by most of you. My sister was using and abusing my mom's debit card (taking cash and paying her own bills). She took my moms car keys, truck keys, safe key, debit card, checks and other items and would not return them. My brother in law tried to fight me and threatened to kill my husband and I (all over a pair of gloves). My mom asked me to help her. We canceled debit card. Opened a new checking account. Paid the bills that were all past due, paid the property taxes that were delinquent and about to have a law suit filed against my mom, cleaned up the house inside and out, cooked for her, etc etc. I spent my own money on groceries, prescriptions and incidentals because my sister would not return mom's bank card. Mom asked me to be the one to take care of her and I agreed and I promised to never put her in a nursing home. My sister from Florida (which is over 500 miles from Texas where my mom, my other sister and I live) came in and made accusations on every level. Accused me of stealing my moms bank accounts with all her money. She said I was coming in and taking over and my mother said she never asked me to do that. (Which is a lie.) My sister called Adult Protective Services and accused my husband of verbally and emotionally abusing my mother. (Another lie.) She carried my mom to the lawyer and changed everything on the will. Took her to the bank and changed everything on all the accounts. No one will let me know how it was changed or what is going on. I do not take kindly to "Family" reporting you to authorities on ficticious accusations. My mom is backing her all the way with all of these false accusations. My mom knew exactly what was going on with everything I was doing. THis is exactly what happened two years ago after my dad died. My name had been on everything and my sisters took mom down and had everything changed without my knowledge. Then the accusations came. I told my mother this time that if I was going to take care of her that there would be no game playing. That if she accused me of stealing or lying I could no longer have anything to do with her. She promised she would never do that to me again. I have gone through many months of therapy over the last incident and now here it is again. It is hard to walk away from my mother even after all the deceit and devious deeds and accusations. I don't want to spend any more time on therapists. I am just crushed and have no where to turn. How could I have been so blind? The APS checked us out and cleared us but it is just the fact that the report was made and I had to be checked out that is unforgivable. I know my sisters will never care for her as well as she needs to be cared for. Her living conditions drastically declined these last two years they had control. I feel like my heart has been ripped out again.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
5

Answers

Show:
You honored the spirit of your promise of not putting your mother in a nursing home by doing your best to take care of her. The ugly situation that keeps getting worse is so out of control, that you have no choice but to step back and take care of yourself. Eventually, your mom will end up on Medicaid in a nursing home, which could be the best thing for her. For you? I agree with Jeannegibbs. Please go back to the therapist so you can deal with this and not damage your own health further. Some families are so dysfunctional that you have not choice but to step away. It's an awful truth, but it is a truth.
Take care of yourself - you've done all you can for your mom.
Carol
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You promised your mother you would not put her in a nursing home. You didn't. You promised your mother that if she ever made false accusations against you again that could no longer have anything to do with her. Follow through on that promise. I would soften it to mean you could no longer have anything to do with her care. As far as I'm concerned you could still call her occasionally but NOT talk about her care, and you could take her out to dinner or send her flowers on her birthday. But I think your promise means that your days of rescuing her from your sisters are over. Go back to a therapist to help you through this one more time.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Wity- You've got to take care of yourself and realize that there comes a time when you can decide whether or not to have anything to do with your family. I'm in the same boat - a brother that is just NUTS! He's always done nothing but take, take, take and accuse me of stealing, using my parents and lieing about him! I don't have to lie about him, everything he does speaks volumes about his wacho psyche. Let your mother be, let it be with your siblings and let them do the tending. Don't spend any more of your money on her unless you buy something JUST for her - a pair of shoes, lunch out, something you KNOW they can't make use of. If she looses her money to them then tell her to call protective services. If social workers call you for assistance, tell them you're broke but you'll visit mom in what ever facility they place her.

Yes, it's tough love but it's also part of sticking up for YOURSELF - give yourself permission to protect yourself as well. You can still love your mom and support her emotionally without getting sucked into the drama and abuse. Hang in there!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'm in a similar situation. My siblings had been virtually non-existent in helping my mom over the years, financially or otherwise and after a lengthy rehab stay, my mom was complaining about me so much, and ultimately accusing me of things I never said. It's been now 9 months of painful family estrangement. I've had to work hard just to keep any kind of relationship with my mother when I used to be her sole caregiver (she did not live with me). It's really really hard to be wrongly accused. Just take care of yourself, protect yourself, go back to therapy. "Family" is not supposed to be the people who make you feel bad about yourself - family is supposed to make you feel good about yourself. I've been absorbing negative energy from myy family since I was little. You have to "rewire" yourself to not believe all this negative stuff about you. You are a good and caring person. The strongest and most loving and giving is always picked as the scapegoat of the dysfunctional family. Please think hard about what your boundaries are to take care of you and let that bring you guidance over the coming months. Please don't have guilt about your mom - you have done all you can do and that's all any of us can do.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I fear that your Mother is being used as a ping-pong ball by your family. I do not understand why she keeps wanting to leave your loving care for that of the mercenary sisters. It could be that they are intimidating her and scaring her into submission.
Regardless, you need to back out now. It does not mean that you do not love her or care about her well-being. Your hands are tied and this scenario will just keep playing out until there is nothing left of you.
Please re-read the advice that was given to you last time. Continue with therapy, if it helps you. Do not try to unravel this mess or even figure out why it is happening....wasted energy.
good luck...let us know what happens
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions