How can I set boundaries regarding my caregiving abilities without being labeled as the sibling who doesn’t help?
My mother is at a moderate stage of vascular dementia. She currently lives alone, but we're not sure how much longer that can last. At this point, my sister has been allowing my Mom to babysit her 5yo daughter, 3 days per week, much to my chagrin. Sis is obviously in a certain level of denial because she and mom are cut from the same cloth; they make decisions from a place of emotion, rather than logic. While I recognize that emotion is a significant factor, we are grapling with some saftey issues (driving, etc.) that need to be addressed. My sister claims that she does all the work, so she gets more "say" in the decisions. By work, I mean she is using her 5yo to report back to her what Grammy has been doing that day. Sis also fills mom's meds once a week. Because she's more emotionally connected to Mom, she's able to influence mom as well. My brother and I have offered our help in any way we can, but essentially, our help is refused or even discourage if it's not done the exact way Mom and sis want it. I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall.
I'm not willing to sacrafice my marriage, sanity, job, and kids (1yo, 6yo) to live in Mom/Sis's emotionally draining denial. When I establish boundries for the kind of help I'm willing to provide, I'm told by my sister to "just get out of it!". I'm willing to put action behind my opinions, but how am I supposed to provide care when I'm being sabotaged? My sister, in her denial about the severity and reality of Mom's dementia, will agree to certain conditions with my brother and I. When we try to put them into practice, Sis will ultimately do whatever she wants and just not tell us about it. She purposefully leaves us out of appointments (tells us at the last minute) or siutations with Mom because she doesn't want us to weigh in. Then, when we do try to help, we are berated for not helping out enough!
I see so many articles about how to get "deadbeat" siblings to help. What about those that do, but are at the mercy of a dictator sibling who wants to rule under emotional law?