How do you deal with your feelings of resentment when your siblings don’t help?

I'd say "I appreciate the help you gave, but now I feel hurt because we have not heard from you in 6 months." Owning your own feelings and telling them why will tend not to put them on the defensive like a 'you selfish absent siblings have caused me all sorts of pain since you have abandoned us for 6 months." I would tell them, but I would say it in the best way that they might actually hear what you are saying, but then again, they still might not get it, but at least you will have taken the high road.

My experience is that there is nothing you can say that will make the light bulb go off. For whatever reason, they have chosen not to be accountable for your mother's care. To justify their perspectives, they will simply turn the situation around to be your "fault". My siblings tell me that they do not understand why I am knocking myself out and I should just tell our mother that I can't come or I won't come. From their perspective living quite a distance away or perhaps just being a different personality than me, they cannot see, feel, or understand the reality of telling an elderly, ailing person that they don't need someone to sit in the ER with them or they don't need someone to help them get dressed, clean their house, make their meals or whatever my mother is requesting of me or needs. I have exhausted myself trying to give them my perspective and honestly, the more of my perspective I share, the more they will blame me and the more it hurts. I would not bother. They have made their choices and they will defend their choices. Sometimes God will intervene and give them a glimpse - this happened for me recently when another relative went with me to my mothers and we found the food she had been eating infested with bugs. I said simply - this is a good example of why I don't think she can be alone anymore. The relative reported it to my siblings (third parties are always good if you can get them to speak on your behalf) and they were totally grossed out. But a week later when I requested someone come so I could go on a long weekend with my husband...they are too busy. The truth is they are just different people than you are and you cannot change other people. My advice is to be comfortable and grateful for who you are and be proud of the choices you are making to help your elderly parent. If you want your perspectives validated, talk to other caregivers who have made the same choice as you to not neglect the welfare of your parent. I am so proud of you for what you are doing. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing and I think someday it will be rewarded.

Gee, I agree with both these persectives. Absolutely take the high road, but you will never get them to see things as you do or feel the way you feel. I have two deadbeat siblings who have both refused to help. One lives far enough away that's it's easy for them to say them can't help. But how about a visit once or twice a year? Nope. The other has outwardly refused to help if they can't have access to my parent's money, which is almost gone. So I wrote them both off. I care for both my parents, niether drives, I do all the errands and doctor appointments and am sacrificing much of my own family's quality of life because I was the only one willing to help them. I accept the role, but it doesn't make it easy knowing I have no support of my own family. Not even a phone call. Ok, so what should YOU do? If the opportunity presents itself, tell them how you feel but don't expect anything to change. I agree with Soverytired that you are doing the right thing and I think we will be rewarded somewhere done the line. My kids see what we are doing and sacrificing so that my parents are cared for and not afraid. I think this will benefit them more than any of us know.

xoxo
-SS

Know that God will handle all in the long run. I managed care for my parents while 5 siblings sat on the sidelines and as much as it angered me, I had to let the "battle" go. I chose to use the energy on care giving for my parents and to take care of me. Choose your battles wisely; take care of yourself, family and your loved ones, God will handle the rest. Always remember, God does not give us more then we can handle, Sometimes he just trust us too much!!! Blessings, Bridget

I completely understand how you feel, being the oldest of 6 sibblings taking care of mom was put on me, after she was neglected by them and saying they do not know how to care for her, she came to me on her death bed, togeather we worked hard to bring her life back. They do not acknowledge how much work is involved in her care, never call, or do not understand I need respite. My sister is POA of finances and I am POA of Healthcare and trying to get her to pay for respite is like pulling teeth, I am fed up, they think I should do this for free when mom has the resources I had to quit my high paying job to care for her. I am resentful and they think this is just a low life job. Not sure what to do.

Unfortunately I have heard this story many times. Caring for an aging parent can be consuming and those siblings that are far away enjoy the absence of reality. Resentment is a common occurrence when only one child comes forward to care for the parent. In addition to the lack of support your care and problem solving may be questioned as health concerns escalate. I do agree that making your feelings known to your siblings may help but you might include specific ways that they can be helpful to you. Assign them some tasks, ie researching the illness, medications, calling the doctor, attending a family conference call by telephone, setting up additional support services for you and your mother. It is possible they do not maintain contact because they do not know how to help or they find comfort in "not knowing". I would give weekly updates, email is a great way to stay informative and to create an ongoing history of your mother's progress and your assistance. For yourself, get some support. Caregiving is socially isolating and you need to make sure you are cared for also. Journaling, support groups and your personal respite will all help to "keep the motor running".

I have 3 siblings and all are out of state. My mother wasn't the best mother but she is still their mother. My oldest brother told her several years back he was through with her. My sister did the same thing because they had gotten into a fight. My other brother talks to her through emails but he wants money during the winter months because he only works spring and summer. He is an artist going to rally's during the warm months. I had talked my sister into talking to her again because my husband and I both told her we thought mom was dying. She was in the hospital and had lost the use of her legs for about 30 days and she was so depressed because her kids didn't call her or anything. I told my sister that she had overcome what had happen to her while growing up and that we have had many years of having fun with mom and I couldn't believe she was just going to discharge her out of her life.
I think it is an excuse now that mom is getting older and needs help that they logically reason it out about how bad their childhood was when they were growing up. I don't think that is a very good excuse but they have to live their lives. If that is the case, alot of people wouldn't help their parents. I won't have any regrets because I have taken care of my mom since I was a teenager. She has lived with my husband and me for almost 3 years. Like I said she isn't the nicest person but we did what we could for her. She is moving to assisted living the middle of this month. The problem I have is that I was always close to my sister and now I can't hardly talk to her. Here is the real kicker, last month I was down flat on my back for 2 weeks and my sister says I need to get better so I can take care of her. I am done taking care of anybody but how can she say she wants me to take care of her when she has done nothing to help me take care of mom. I have a disable husband so I don't need to be responsible for her as well. She is not married nor does she have kids. I don't talk to my other siblings and I don't plan too. I know none of them will come to the funeral. When I was little we had a large family locally but now my family has just become my husband and daughters/spouses and grandchildren.

I can so relate to the comments above. Yes, I am so filled with resentment with my siblings that I don't know what to do with it. I am the only girl with three brothers and of course, they do not comprehend what is involved in taking care of a lonely elderly person. I am the chosen one who has to sacrifice my time and my family's time while they are living their life without distraction. I am the one who accompanies mother to emergency room visits, and take care of the emotional, physical, and social needs. It is a constant pressure and it's because I do love my mom and feel sorry for the aging process. I have raised two kids, who are now 17 and 19 and was thinking that this may soon be the time I can do things, but no, I have another responsibility with no help. Yes, I am extremely hurt by it. No one but others in the situation can understand the hurt of being left alone to handle it all. And to think it is up to me to take my mom to their house to visit the grandkids, it's almost unbearable to be around that. Thanks for letting me vent and those people who say, well at least my children will see how I take care of my mom. The truth is, yes they see it, and the sad part is, they see what it's doing and the toll it takes.

Another problem I have and if there are others with it, I'd like to hear about it. I work full time, and still have a teenager at home and a husband who travels for work quite a bit. It seems I'm always having to make decisions about my time between my daughter and my mother. Weekends are the hardest as my mother has no social life and requires my attention for several needs, and then my daughter still needs certain attention and i'm always torn. And then when I see my brothers life their family life without any sacrifice, it does make me so resentful. If I had someone else to take some of the responsibility, it wouldn't be this rough I think. And then lately my patience is getting very thin and I realize there are certain things I cannot do after a long day of work.

I can relate! My siblings who live near, blame me saying they can only come over when I say. Well? Do I want them stopping in whenever they want to like I used to do, no! I told them every weekend they can see her as to not ruin our schedule of them stopping in at supper, or bathing time, etc. The biggest thing was even when they did come then, they wouldnt help, I still had to take her to the bathroom, etc. I was up or a weekly commitment so I could plan around them but they want it when THEY want it. They see her a few hours a few times a year. I asked for years if they would help once a week, 2 times a month, how about 1 time a month on a regular basis, no answer. Its always me, its my fault they cant see her,and how is that?Honestly, its to the point now I have the deepest anger you could ever have and I actually prefer they never ever even call me again. The stress of dealing with them and them wanting to see her for a couple of hours, kills me. I much rather hire a caregiver so I cant get out for an entire day. So I hear, they come running when there is money involved and your parent passes. You need to get compensated to that in the end, they do not get equal shares for doing nothing. Its best, in a way, if there is no money involved at all. Can you sense my anger? I cannot stand them and we were a close family for our lives until the parental health problems started. True colors come out when someone needs to step up to the plate. My heart is huge, I do the best for my Mom and that I can live with, them, I cannot. My advice, write them off,thats what they deserve. I used to give updates on her conditionandthen realized how easy for them, if they want update, come and see her.

There is usually one person who steps up when needed. For the siblings or adult children from former mariage who "are too busy" or "don't know why you bother, it doesn't really matter". - you can be sure when it is time to "settle" the estate they will be first in line.
Draw up a "fact sheet" that will show them how much the care you are giving would cost if you were unable to continue as caregiver. If your parent has resources, the siblings should agree to a monthly benefit amount to you for their share of these costs paid from your parent's funds.
If they refuse, see a lawyer. If something happens to you, they would dump your parent in the nearest nursing home and disappear.
Since you are doing all the work, make sure your parent's funds are going for their needs (which include your services as caregiver )I'm sure your parent prefers you as caregiver over a stranger or nursing home.

I forgot to say that the artist brother told my mom if she could buy a travel trailer he would pull her around the country with him. Just goes to show he doesn't even know what condition or her needs are on a daily basis. But yet mom sends him money to sit on his ass. She insisted on paying rent of $400.00 a month. Trust me I worked my butt off every month and he just gets a free ride. I truly wished they come with their hands out because I will blast them all and tell my freeloading brother his inheritance came every month during the winter time for the past 20 years. Not that she has much money but she has always said she wanted it divided equally. How about let's divide up the work equally also. Last year she wanted to me to get her CD money and she was going to send it to my sister and artist brother. I said you need to keep this money because you don't know where your life is going to take and when you might need it. She said my oldest brother would help with the funeral costs. I said just like he repaid you the $1000.00 he borrow and put his boat up for collateral and then only made one payment and had the nerve to ask for his boat back and of course she gave it to him.

As other have said, stay to the high road. It has been my experience that they will never understand the error of their ways. My sister lived within 5 miles of my parents when they needed help. But she was always to busy with her family. I lived 30 miles from my parents, have 2 kids and a wife and was there every night to give my mother a rest. To this day she doesn't see that she did anything wrong.

I am wondering how the siblings can see that they didn't do anything wrong. Does anyone believe that they, the ones who don't pitch in, will ever see the error of their way, or do you think that maybe they may end up old and alone with no one to help them? just wondering, not that I wish that on anyone, but there are times when i wonder what will happen.

I hope the siblings end up alone. What are they teaching their own family by not helping after all! They blame us for everything, therefore they feel no guilt.
Most parents do want their inheritence equal, but, once they need caregiving a caregivers contract is needed. Either you get paid, or, they help, if there is any money at all. I did 10 years of part time of course for no pay, never even thought of it, but when you live with them and they need 24/7, its a whole different ballgame. Are you POA and is your Mom competent? You need a lawyer and now. You can get your first visit free, do it please. Let him write your siblings if you dont want to, for a schedule and if they do not agree, a sibling letter and a caregiver contract will cost your Mom and you a few thousand. You do not pay, she does. Be proud of what you are doing, and dont think your siblings care, they do not. Oh they are fake as can be, I cringe when they see her a few times a year and tell her they love her, ya right! If you love her, help her and if you loved me, you'ld help me. I say, you are better off without them, just make Mom your fulltime job if thats what she wants. I have a fulltime job and a caregiver contract, was worth every lawyer visit I went to. And, it still didnt change the siblings non-help. Hang in there!

Yes, and my sister in law had the nerve to call me and say they are there for me, hmm, really? believe me, it was just for their own conscious so they can move on. I have not seen one other person take time off from their job to do what I do, with the exception of my husband who has seen what is going on. He has helped

sosad2, oh you are so right! What a line of bull huh? My husband also helps me just so I can take a shower in peace sometimes but he also works fulltime. No one understands how we put our life on hold, out of love. Even when I finally found a goood caregiver so I could go back to work, I was getting texts all day back and forth and calling doctors and pharmaies, etc while at work, it never ends. I even have to order al my supplies like diapers, powders, wipes, clothes, etc, online due to not being able to get out. Oh ya they are there for them, oooookay :( (what a joke)

I understand wholeheartedly where you are coming from. I thought that when my mom was placed in a nursing facility, things would get better, but they didn't. I went from visiting her three or four days a week to having to visit every day (twice) just to make sure she isn't sitting in urine or worse, having to sleep on soiled sheets, missing a bath; etc. Even putting a parent in a facility doesnt make things better necessarily; I think it is possible that some people believe this fallacy because they are paying for the care. Even though I intereact with the director of nursing, administrators and other leaders in my mom's facility, the situation improves incrementally only to fall through the cracks again eventually. We had a hard time finding a facility that would take her in initially because of symptoms of her illness; (hostility, anger, rage ) on top of her physical disabilities. I am grateful for the good that mom's nursing home gives, but I sure wish they could clean up their act overall.
I considered bringing mom back to her home and trying to find caregivers to provide for her, but she has issues with strangers being in her home. My siblings visit her every now and then with the exception of one. He is ill himself, financially challenged and simply cannot look after mother. The others who could do more don't and they don't feel remorse or guilty at all over it. I think you are wonderful to stick by your parent. Maybe one day better assistance for caregivers will come about, but probably not without a unified approach. People often say take care of yourself. I am doing that as much as possible but there is only so much a person can do.It's difficult to understand how siblings can differ in responding to taking care of an ill parent, but it is a fact of life unfortunately.

I would suggest that you reach out to them and let them know what is going on. There is no need to be accusationaly, and perhaps no need to let them know that you are hurt. First you can let them know that you need their support and if there is a specific way that they might be able to help you could request it. If there isn't a specific way that they can help you could tell them that it would help you a lot if they would just call and check in from time to time. For those of us who are naturally compassionate and step up to the plate when they are needed it seems like a given that they should call or offer a helping hand, but remember that you've got to let people know what you want or need from them before you can expect it fairly.

That's another one, -- they say take care or yourself. What does that mean? Yes, take care of yourself when you have time, right? for example, tonight is getting ready for a procedure tomorrow a.m., and then what? It is never ending worry, isn't it?

Hello
Please contact the Department of aging in your state They can and will give you a list of resources.They can even force the siblings to help by summoning them by court order! This is not so much for your benefit as that of your parents so do it today!

What??? I have never heard of such thing. How can you force someone to help someone. I would like to see research on this because its shocking to me and soooooo interesting.

Isn't that annoying? I mean I know they intend it to be "nice". But it always seems to come at a time when care is very intensive and I'm running very ragged and there is no way/no time to "take care of myself" so it comes off kind of demeaning to me. It's like they are thinking there is a choice and I'm choosing to make it hard on myself. But from my perspective there is no choice. But then they're choosing not to participate so maybe they think there is a choice. Wow, they really see the world entirely differently. I'm following this thread closely as it's a theme in my life right now and I'm afraid it's ruining relationships that were once good but now the perspectives are so far apart on such a big issue that I am having difficulty with it. I've tried the specific tasks approach and it doesn't work at all. They say ok to making phone calls, doing internet research, making meal plans...then they just don't do it. They do want to be kept up to date but they don't believe me anyway. My mom's cognitive abilities are much much better than her physical abilities so she's sounds fine on the phone and they literally haven't seen her in months. They just aren't here so they just can't get it. I think the frustrating part is that I want somebody to get it, I want somebody to get me. My husband kind of gets the needs part but he doesn't get why I do some of the things I do because it's not his mother. So that's what's hard - the only other people that I feel should get it, don't. It's so non-validating.

OMG Soverytired,,,,, are you in my life?? haha -- it sounds so very familiar. The siblings think we have a choice???? really? then I wonder who would take my mother to the hospital, who would take food to her, who would sit with her when no one else would, who is there to see if she has medicine. really? I could go on and on and on. Not to mention the emotional toll it takes on someone. And this can go on and on, . and you are so right -- she sounds good on the phone. Yesterday, the sibling said she's doing things right? hmm, no. And another thing i've learned is when I have asked for help and 90% of the time people say they would and then it doesn't happen. I think there are well meaning folks, but it is so much that rarely does it ever happen. Talk is just that,,, talk

Sosad2, I could be you! You sound just like me! How do you tell an elderly, sick person to go to the hospital alone? Of course, you can't, you go with them. I take her food because if I don't she will eat garbage or fall trying to get something herself. (and in either case, I will be the one at ER dealing with the resulting sickness/accident). And while she doesn't live with me - the worry, obligation, feeling of responsibility hangs with me 24/7. You want to go out of town - who will be available? You need to have surgery yourself, gotta make sure she is set up to be without you on call for a week. It just becomes a part of all your priorities. Thank you for validating me!

OMG. yes, the worry, obligation and overwhelming responsibility is 24/7. I had this very same conversation with her because it's so very very hot here unbearable and I do not feel like I'm free to leave. Everything I do I'm thinking what about her in the background. I mean it's everything, and the reason is like you, no matter what happens, it falls on me. the last thing was when she went to dr. (which i paid someone to take her this time), and he prescribed medicine for bladder infection, well of course computers were down so here we are on a weekend. I left a graduation party, and sat in a clinic just begging them to send a prescription into the pharmacy because I didn't want to end up in Emergency room on sunday --

Been there done that. My mother was a really great mother when I was little. Now I do a lot for my mother even if I am disabled and my husband has dementia as well, plus I have a job. When I want sis to help me she won't because it wasn't her idea in the first place. When she wants me to do something, she doesn't ask me she demands it. I have written her off as well. I just don't need the aggravation. She won't invite me to her house for any holiday. We live about a mile apart. So I completely understand the other stories.

This was a perfect time for me. I have the same issue. Its so hard not to feel angry towards family who do not help. There is only the two of us. I have been caring for Mom in her home for 4 years. My twin sister and I were adopted by parents who were in their forties and we were 3. I feel that Mom deserves to stay in her home as long as I can help her. Dad passed 11 years ago and she has been alone. She has Alzheimer, and it can be difficult at times. But we all have to answer for our-self. They will live in misery and guilt in the end. But we all are different. I am very Thankful I can do what I do but the grace of God.

I have a similar situation to sherilynn. My brother is POA of finances and I'm health care proxy for my mother. I am having a hard time making ends meet but my brother stands firm on his beliefs that I should be able to take 24/7 care here and live on not enough money. He comes by once a month and gives me weekly checks for our groceries and supplies. I am attached to my mom as we have always been close. If she were someone I was not emotionally bonded to, I would never put up with this treatment. I would find another "job" immediately. I don't think any of us realizes what we are geting into, the years we have to spend as caregivers. In order to make ends meet, I have rented a room , and now my brother is going to deduct the extra expenses from the amount he gives me for groceries. He goes up against me in a cruel and uncaring manner, and it makes me cry in despair. I'm driven to tears now and have to stop writing. Please get good legal advice as early as possible to protect yourself. Learn from my mistake.

I have taken care of mom now for 1 yr. I am POA of Healthcare and sister is POA of Finances. I receive a small amt. each month for her living expenses, mom is now requiring more care and I need some respite badly, trying to get sister to understand it costs, she wants it to come out of the small amt. I get for her living expenses, they dont want to compensate me or say they are, they have mom believing she does not have the money, she forgets, I have tried to discuss this with my sister and she avoids me, always has an excuse and never follows through. I feel like they dont care and am ready to talk with an attorney to get a contract written up, and find out what rights I have as POA of Healthcare. I am at the end of my rope in dealing with them and am so angry, I feel used and abused myself. Their true colors came about after my dad passed on 2 yrs. ago and I have been angry since, so I guess I need to take this to an attorney. Appreciate any suggestions, I am thankful for this sight, there are so many others in my situation and it is good to know I am not alone......., thanks