Tired.

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My single mother would come home looking tired all the time and I would wonder why she did not retire. You could go to the health club, volunteer, make nice dinner, get the house in order. Well she retired at 72 and is now 79. I know why she did not retire. She has no social skills and she hid it well. She has friends but they are tired of her complaints....all the time...she never took time to learn how to have fun. She calls me every day, in pain, she has a problem, or she just wants to insult me. I'm her primary care give since my sister never liked her. My mom would try to buy her and still does but my sis is a no show in another state. When she visits, the 2 of them fight and expect me to put out the fire. I have asked my mom to call me two wes is after my sister leaves so I don't have to hear about the fallout but that request falls on deaf ears... I thought when my mom had cancer and went through chemo my sister and her children would come and provide me and my spouse with son relief...My sister was worse than ever.... I had to calm them down....omg... she is so demanding with her male friend that he request asee aston calling him ever now and again. She waits a few weeks and he puts up with her again.... she is destroying my life.....it's been years since her retirement and I am about to fall apart... I don't have the guts to leave my 79 year old mother alone. I love her but she does not know how to calm herself.......help!!!!!!!.....I just say that cause it makes me feel good...day after day after day

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When I was first divorced, my teenage daughter and I moved away from the ex and agreed to share an apartment with my mother for two years while I finished college. That is when I got to know the real Mom as an adult.
She was a good mother when I was a child, and growing up, she had my father (who died when I was 25). Living with her, I soon learned she is totally emotionally needy, socially inept and having no interests or hobbies beyond her family and what they were doing every minute of the day. Basically she lived through us. I realized she was negative about everything seeing the glass as half empty about anything my daughter and I wanted to do. She was restless as a cat, couldn't sit still, and having no interests of her own, we were her interest - only us. I thought I was going to lose my mind I felt so trapped and responsible for her since she didn't know how to be happy. I had no privacy.
That being said, people are what they are, and always will be. I still love my mother, but I couldn't live with her and neither could my sister.
After 2 years, I had enough and simply told her I was going to get my own apartment when our lease was up, so I could have more space and date, etc. (She was 75 at the time.) She did ok and moved near my sister and eventually found a man and married.
Don't let your mother ruin your life.
Don't waste your time trying to change her or expect her to change.
Thank you what you said is encouraging.
Ugg... today im really at my wits end. This is the worst day since the categiving started about 5 years ago. My mom had her last kemo oF 8 early january. I have a husban who thinks this is my duty. To some extent he is tight but try and this is hard, he will say its your dity and make it worse... i had a vacation this week. I bought stuff to sand the ugly doors in my house. I got two sanded once and my mom called to tell me i was selfish and never helped he. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO HELPS HER. complained to hubby and he told me i better have doors done that night. I have two demanding people who complain and demand everyday. So much for my vacation...so much for my doors. Im starting to complain and snap at them. I hate having to resort to childish behavior!!!! Ive been getting light headed. I snapped and told my mom her other daughter in hawaii visited while she had cancer but only made things worse and i had to save the day.she told me i should be proud of myself for doing so....ugg. she should save her own day.... i get it. I need a divorce....i dont have patience for 2.... i will become an ugly snapping person....uggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!
Your husband told you that you "better have those doors done tonight"? Was that said in jest? What demands do you make on your husband? Or are you simply well trained and when someone says "jump" you ask "how high?"

Have you ever been to therapy?
I place my own happiness as a priority. I do so, because I think it matters. If I'm happy, I like it and I think it will make me a more healthy person and more apt to help others.

I would like to think that if I'm not being treated well or don't like the way someone that I care for is acting, that I make a plan for their care or allow them to make their own arrangements and then go to a place that I can be happy. Waiting on a senior to change the way they act or treat people when they are well into their 70's, doesn't sound realistic to me.
My aged mother used to say that if you don't want to get walked on, you need to quit being a rug and get up off the floor. Babalou suggests therapy. You mention divorce. Maybe also take some time to yourself by driving to another state and finding a job and apartment there for a year or so. Sorry things are so miserable for you.
Sophe..u made me laugh....all of umake great points....i always say if my mom was 40, i would be gone...ive been snappy with both mom and hubby...at her house today to assist her with computer today. I complained in a ugly whiney voice reagarding my problem telling her hjow tired i was...she told me she woke up to rake leaves and i was getting on her nerves...lol... i hate presenting myself like that but at least she did not want me around... in my defence my 30ies, she was still working and healthy people were around... my 40ies, i have found im very needed by needy people....im working my way through it... and seeking to find a healthy life again...no map...but maybe being snappy...yak...but maybe ....when i run out of options, i just might move to another state
Babalou, i dont think i say how high when hubby says jump, but you sure picked up on something from my little paragraph....lol point taken...well said
Sunnygirl...ur right....if she is doing it in her 70ies, she been doing it all her life...just worse now...point taken....thanks everyone

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