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My 84 year old dad had 4 strokes last year and has lived with us since then. He'll be moving back to his own apartment soon. At his request, I have assumed control of his finances and caretaking or coordination of his caretaking. I am also the executor of his estate. The way it's set up, I will likely be managing it for the remainder of my life. It will be divided among my siblings and me, but I'll manage it. That means I'll file 4 sets of taxes, and approve and write checks (or not) at their request. I am currently managing his accounts, but barely scraping by on a teacher's salary. It is all just so mind boggling. My neck and shoulders are growing tense as I write this. I'm terrified. I'm a single mom of 3 (2 adults, 1 high schooler), and a teacher. I have 3 siblings who I grow more resentful toward everyday. Until 5 years ago we had what seemed in many ways like a Norman Rockwell family. My parents had this amazing home where they hosted so many special events for our ever growing family. They were pillars of the community, and envied by many. Then my mom got ill, and I realized it was all a sham. She was so ill before she died... I didn't know people could get that ill. We had a full time caretaker for her at their home during the week, but I helped on the weekends. If my brothers even answered my very infrequent requests for help, it was usually to tell me they couldn't help. Now that it's my dad who's ill, it's even worse. I get that not everyone is cut out for caregiving, but to show up and enjoy every Christmas, birthday, etc. at my parents home, and revel in what they created for us, then all but turn your back on them when they're ill, is truly vulgar to me. My kids and I have been handling my parents decline/death, on our own. I'm the primary caregiver, but when I can't do it, my kids dress his wounds, take him to dialysis, listen with endless patience as he tries to enunciate words (he is aphasic)...I was proud of them before, but they have truly knocked my socks off with the way they've handled all of this. As a teacher, I have about 450 students. I'm struggling with how to manage all of this, and still have a life. My dad is paying for everything, but there is still a huge emotional and physical toll to all of this, mostly on me. There are no texts, phone calls, or emails even checking up on us. I'm the one who is providing the organizational structure and emotional and logistical support for my dad and youngest son. My other 2 kids are just starting out, and so reach out to me frequently for advice and help. I want to be part of their lives!!! But I am being stretched in so many directions... I'm afraid I'm going to wake up soon, and my dad will be gone, my kids will be off and married, and I'll be alone because I didn't have time to make a life for me. And frankly I'm so angry that my siblings don't ever say 'hey, let me take dad out to lunch,' or 'go get yourself a manicure,' or 'wow, you're a rock star, we're really lucky to have you doing all of this for our family!' My kids are doing great, my dad has come much further than anyone thought possible, and I am gaining weight and looking old. I feel like such a loser to be in this position.


I'm sorry your dad is ill and your mom passed. The fact that he is able to move back to his apartment after 4 strokes is amazing and a true testament to your care.

I can't speak to the financial aspects, as I don't know much about it.

As far as your upbringing, enjoy the happy memories and let the resentment go. You chose to do this for your father, your siblings did not. I understand that you think they should do more, but you can't force them and there really is nothing you can do to change the way they behave. Their choices are theirs alone. You have to do what is best for you. If that means accepting responsibility for finances, then do it. If you would rather not, then let a lawyer handle it and just enjoy your father.
Have your dad hire a geriatric care manager to take over managing his care and finances. Go back to being a daughter and taking care of your kids. Your siblings will not help and you will have to write them off. But, DON'T KILL YOURSELF TAKING ON YOUR DAD'S HUGE RESPONSIBILITY - you are already buckling under the weight of it and it will just get worse.
It's great to be such a loving and caring daughter, but, when you are overwhelmed, it might be a good idea to get help. If your siblings aren't going to help, I'd try to let that go. Resentment only eats you up and won't change them. With caretaking of my LO, I got zero help from anyone. Not one call, not one As soon as I was able, I reached out for help. I'd explore to see what he can afford and if it can't afford it, what he might be entitled to get. Getting that help, will enable you to get some respite time and recharge your batteries. When your're not so exhausted and stressed, you will be able to savor the time with your dad.

Why would you be managing things for the rest of your life? The executor handles probate and settles the estate. If it's complex, you can retain attorneys or accountants. I'd explore how that might work.
What do you mean, write checks at your siblings' request?

Hire a geriatric care manager, as kimber suggested.

You should have been paid by your father (my opinion) for all you have done so far!
Suzee, as an accountant and daughter of a teacher, I ADMIRE teachers. But you are overwhelmed. You are NOT responsible for doing tax returns for siblings. You are responsible for HIRING a person to do your father's tax returns, the estate tax return when your father passes away, and any gift tax returns associated with any gifting during your parent's lifetime. If he is sick long enough, unless he is Trump wealthy, he will need Medicaid. Hiring outside help for tax prep, keeping track of payments to and from accounts as father needs-not siblings direct, and a geriatric care manager and paid caregivers are all allowed payments for Medicaid later and accepted by probate court as allowable expenses. Your parents, loving as they were, would not want your family memories to be of nothing but caregiving and loss of your own children's family connections. If you are working a second job, it should be for pay to provide for your own nuclear family. If there is enough money to have an estate to split with siblings, there is enough money to hire caregivers and professionals to keep you sane enough to handle all this. With love and hugs from afar. Remember - resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. If they aren't involved, they really aren't affected.
I just re-read your post. It seems that you believe that as executor, you will be responsible for handling your father's estate, which is in a trust, of which you are the trustee. Is that what you mean by doing 4 sets of taxes, writing your siblings checks, etc.?

I think I would check on whether that is actually the case. In any event, it doesn't sound like you have the desire or expertise to handle your dad's complex financial situation after he passes.

I think you should sit down with whoever created the trust and find out what your obligations are. You and your siblings should turn this over to professional mangers when the time comes.

Glad dad can return to an apartment now, but going forward, he will surely need care at some point. His care should NOT fall to you! You can hire a geriatric case manager and that person can hire caregivers out of your father's funds.

If you're the executor, as I was for my late mother, when he passes to you're entitled to a fee, that is, a portion of the estate. I realize it's small consolation for what you're going through now, but the money allowed me to do some serious repairs around my house, and to travel to Ireland, England, Scotland and France, which had been a long time dream of mine. In the very beginning of the ordeal, I thought about throwing that money back to the estate, but by the time it was all said and done, I'm glad I didn't. I was dealing with a numbskull brother with a substance abuse problem, and a sister that was half hysterical most of the time. So, hang on tight, and hope that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't an incoming train!
You have gotten some excellent advice here. I just want to add a ((hug)).

I don't blame you for resenting your siblings. That seems perfectly appropriate. But in the long run the festering resentment is harmful to you, and does nothing to change the sibs.
Thank you all. Ideally, a family would sit down, sort this out, and support one another. Thank you especially for the virtual hugs. This is a weird situation, and I'm not sure if anyone has the answers, but this is really helping me to sort through everything by writing and reading. I can't hire a geriatric manager. If I decline the executorship, the position goes to one of my siblings. Siblings #1(also a stroke victim) and #2 are married to CEO's who have a lot more experience with $ than I do, but who also have questionable intentions. Sibling #3 has health problems. So, the duty goes to me. Re: the checks, taxes, etc. there are parameters set up that more or less spell out what the money can be used for after his passing, per my interpretation of what he has put in place (medical, education, etc.). If there's a dispute, I imagine it would go to court if I didn't go along with what my siblings wanted. I don't plan to take anything that far. Siblings know nothing of any of this. They assume, I believe, that they're getting their portion all at once, upon our dad's death. This is all just so hideous to think about. They will instead, have to ask me to approve and write their checks. I am the youngest by several years, and the only female. They are all very macho and have spent a lifetime making condescending remarks to me and other females in the family, other than their quite bossy wives. This is going to go over like a lead balloon. I would help my dad even if there weren't an estate. He's my dad and I love him. I have seriously considered walking away from everything other than the care taking. I've decided to give it an earnest try. And to whomever pointed out that I'll be in charge of hiring, rather than filing tax returns, right you are. I do intend to delegate that task. But the attorney has informed me that this is going to be a major pain. I've been instructed by my dad to be completely transparent, and to pay myself for my time. I believe it's been set up this way to ensure that our basic necessities will be addressed for life, but also because there is a serious lack of trust in the in laws. I think what I struggle with the most is the isolation, which likely won't improve with the way things are set up. At least not in terms of my relationship with my siblings. As it is, they don't even respond to most of my text messages, and roll their eyes when I mention that I have to miss work, or time with my children. In a strange and very unexpected twist, the strokes have changed my dad into a kinder and more docile person. I finally have a father who actually sits down and listens to me. Prior to this, he was usually too busy to give me much thought, and frequently difficult to communicate with in a peaceful manner. He is still difficult in that he has no sense that my kids and I are the only ones who can understand him due to his current speech impairment. He talks to everyone all the time, without inhibition. It's difficult to get out the door quickly. He also constantly passes gas. We makes jokes to lighten the mood. He laughs too. Thank goodness for my kids. I'd go completely batty without them. These are petty things I know. I feel bad for even being annoyed, and writing about this. It seems like a gross breach of fidelity. But all of this becomes not so petty when I'm overwhelmed, tired, or trying to accomplish something. Thank you again. It feels really good to be heard.
Come back anytime. You'll always be heard here.

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