My mom wants to go with me EVERYWHERE I go, if not,she sulks like a child.

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My mom wants to go out everyday.If I go to a doctor appointment or to get an auto appointment done,she wants to go.If I am able to flee without her,she sulks and sniffs when I do get home.Took her out for a 4 day vacation to my Best friend's house last weekend.Came home Monday night.Yesterday{friday] I went to my neighbor's house for a visit.When my husband came home,she complained to him that she was 'going crazy' being home 'all of the time'..Now,Im feeling guilty because I dont want to come home at all when I do get out..She wont accept any outside help,nor can she stand any of her 'friends'.If by some miracle,one of them does visit,all she does is complain and criticize them when they leave,to me and my husband.She is illiterate,and tv and knitting are her only hobbies.Well,besides bitching about things that happened years ago.It seems like every time I talk to her,she has a long laundry list of tasks that she has thought up for me to do for her.She is even starting to have things that she wants my FRIENDS to do for her. She often says,"I hope you don't die,because,what would happen to ME if you do??"...How would you all deal with this?


I work for a woman whom i am very close to. She has no children, and she is the same way with me. It's exhausting. Even though she pays me to care for her, it effects me the same way. I can't get 5 minutes alone, and away from her. I'm here 96 hours straight...a week. I get no lunch or dinner or breakfast breaks. I take no 15 minute breaks every 4 hours. I am at here constant beckoning call. Sometimes, I think she believes that I am some kind of servant or slave. She really doesn't appreciate a lot that I do, and makes me feel like I have no choice. Lately she has been trying to enlist my friends in her daily drama, and wants me to call some of them, and ask them to come over so she talk to them. I'm thinking..."just wait a damn minute lady! I give you 96 hours of my life as it is. I'm not inviting you to impede on what little time I do have away from you. I'm used to a 40 hour a week job...or at least I WAS!
(In your profile, you don't say that Mom has dementia. My response would be a little different if she does.)

You can't control your mother's reactions. You can control your actions and your reactions to her.

Certainly continue going out without her at times. You can go visit a neighbor without her permission or her presence. You control that.

She pouts and complains and sulks when you get home. That is under her control.

And how do you react? How about, "Mom, I had a good time with my friend. I really will not spoil it by listening to your sulking and complaining. I am going to be in the kitchen (family room, my bedroom, etc.) Please do not join me until you can be civil."

Your house, your rules. Sounds like you need to set some boundaries and stick with them. You and hubby need to present a united front. She complains to him about being in the house "all the time"? He replies, "Well, I'm glad that isn't actually true. Last week you were gone 4 days. I don't want to hear any of this nonsense about being stuck in the house. I'm going to be on the patio (family room, etc.) You are welcome to join me if you can refrain from complaining."

If she is bored at home, how about offering to drop her off at the local senior center for a couple of hours a few days a week? Look into Adult Day Health program in your area. Offer her alternatives. Be kind to her. But don't put up with her crap.
Jeanne,that is exactly what he said,pretty much!he also reminded her that she actually gets more of my time than he does.And,no there is no dementia,just a woman who has been spoiled by doting grandparents who raised her,and a doting husband who did everything.She is completely illiterate{dyslexia} and no one ever tried to work on that with her.She did raise us children,and took care of my dad,but it was limited.Now,she wants only me.Ill talk to her about her sulking and she will agree that it is innappropriate,and apologize,but the next time I go out?It happens again.I think she is/was pretty smart,and a master manipulator.I and her case manager talked to her about the senior center.she says that she is embarrassed about the illiteracy thing...Its tough,because,there are times that I reeeeeally DO love her,and she is like my very best friend,but she cannot 'share' me with anyone.Not even my husband.She has started dressing like me.I make jewelry and she always wants whatever piece I am designing.I guess I blew it in the beginning,because,when my dad died,I gave her everything she wanted.which was a lot...We have the 'limit setting' conversation at least once a week.I cant bear to have her cry.,Yes,you are right.I have to find new way to deal with it because I am starting to sit in my car in the driveway when I do get home from a rare few hours out alone,and stare at my house.And enjoy the silence.My mom talks constantly.Constantly...Its really amazing...
Having a limit-setting conversation once a week is not the same thing as enforcing limits! :)

Of course you love her. I hope to goodness you love yourself, too. Mother is NOT more important than you are. You sound perceptive. You do know how to handle this. Setting the boundaries isn't enough. You have to enforce them as well. With love, kindness, and firmness.

She wants only you. Sure, she can have you. You love her. But she can't have you exclusively, and having your love does not mean she has you do to whatever she wants. Love doesn't work that way.

Stay strong! (And it is wonderful that you have the support of a good man.)
If thing keep going the way they are you will start to hate her. She doesn't want that, you don't want that. You need to get her out somewhere. The illiteracy thing? She can just say that she "doesn't read anymore" & no one at all will question it. Illiterate ain't nothin! There will be other people at the senior center who be jealous that she can knit, hear, see, walk on her own, & has her marbles.
All I can add, is that she does need to make her own arrangements, if you should die. The schedule that you are keeping, could kill you. So, when she brings it up again, set down and decide what she would really do.
you are dealing with exactly the same issue i am dealing with. You need to sit her down and say mom look. I love you more than life itself but, you have to understand that it is not only me and you in the house. i have obligations to my husband , kids , house, and my mental health too. If i get sick who is going to take care of ME. i can not depend on you to take care of me so there are a few things that are going to have to change. , One we need to make you aware of how sheltered you are making yourself. There are ALOT of older people who would love some company to talk to or have someone talk to them. what do you say we find a place where you feel comfortable to volunteer. say in a nursing home helping paitents get around . wheel them outside for a walk in the sun and some conversation ? What about a adult day care where you can play bingo or go to a dance. help the others who cant knit maybe you can teach them how to . Get her interested in maybe gardening. she can go outside during the day to garden and you can get some quiet time. Tell her you are doing these things because you love her and hate to see her cooped up all day but you just dont have the time all the time to get out with her.

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