Help, I don't think I can go on. Meanness not dementia.

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My MIL moved in with us last June after a grandson she raised couldn't take her abuse. She was unable to live on her own, because she no longer drives and would constantly call us to come. So we moved her in. In the past 10 months so has thrown her cane at us several times and messed up the house during a tantrum because we went to a cookout without her. (We can't take her anywhere, she is rude to people and it's embarrassing) I buy her special frozen dinners and can goods just for her during the work day. (she is physically able to feed, dress herself and take meds) She feeds herself during the week, but on the weekends when we are home she refuses to fix anything and will not eat unless we fix it and bring it to her. She is constantly asking us when we are leaving, where we are going, and saying rude things to us. Last month was our daughter's 20th bday. She refused to tell her a happy birthday or do anything for her, yet she pays the grandson's who left cell phone bill. When I asked her why she did this to her granddaughter she said 'because I didn't want to wish her a happy birthday'. I will fix her dinner special since I eat Nutrisystem and my daughter is 20 and is never home and the hubby doesn't eat as much as he used too. So I will go out of my way to fix her meals and she will call me B!tch. Today she was going to hit my husband with her cane because he was spending time with me when I came home from shopping. I reached for the cane so that she could not hit him and she punched me. Yep, hurt too. No, I'm not pressing charges. She's my husband's mother. I respect love him and wouldn't for his sake. But she scares me. She lies and tells her brother and sister we are mean to her. (I take her to town every week when I do my grocery shopping, so she can get out of the house) We live very far out in the country so we don't go shopping during the week. She was used to the nephew taking her to Walmart daily. I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid to have the assessment done for a mental, because she isn't mental. There is no dementia or anything there, she's just mean. She's always been like this. She has abused and lied about or to the good responsible kids and none of them will take her. The other two (her favorites, that she would cut your throat for) they never come around unless they need her money. We don't take her money. She has plenty to spend on whatever she wants, she has good food available and fixed for her, we take her to all her eye doc, hearing aid, medical and dentist appts. We lose vacation days to do this. She sits in her recliner and watches her westerns on a 50" LED TV, she has a computer with games and internet.....she has it made....but I am afraid of her. That she will lie about me or my husband and cost us our jobs with charges, or she will burn down the house, or hit my dogs. We have an elderly German Shepherd that can barely walk and she 's always yelling at the poor dog for being in her way. I my fear is that she will charm the assessor and they will deem her sane and capable and we will be stuck, and if that happens she will know she has the upper hand and our lives will surely be hell. Has anyone run into this problem? Any suggestions? OH, she is only 70. Not that old at all. I have coworker who are 70 and work circles around me. She's just never taken care of herself, and she refuses to do for herself. We moved her in because we knew we would be up and down the road to her, so that was the smart we thought. HELP please. Anyone who has been through this or is going through this and has suggestions please share.


My question to you is what does your husband say about her behavior? My exes mother was a mean, manipulative, selfish person. The problem was he didnt want to see it. I suffered the lies and abuse. The only way out of the situation was to leave. I understand this may not be what you want to hear but you need to sit down have a heart to heart with you husband and make a decision from there.
I agree with Tacy. There is no reason this woman needs live in care, it sounds like all that is required is a little housekeeping and someone to take her shopping or bring in groceries, and you can accomplish that from a distance. Her misery is of her own making, nothing you do will ever be enough and she has no incentive to change with you catering to her every whim.
Move out. If she is as capable as you're saying, she doesn't need you. There is no reason to live like this.
I know it is your house, so I don't think moving out would be so good. It would be better if you found a good place for your MIL. I don't know how easy it would be to get her out the door, though. From what you wrote, I wouldn't be surprised if it is a real trick. You'll have to review the thread here about a woman's quest to get her mean and hateful mother out of her home.

Your MIL sounds like she is jealous of other women. If that is the case, I would let hubby handle his mother. I would support him in any way to put his mother's butt on the road. She doesn't need you to care for her yet. It sounds like she is just using you. If she is jealous of other women, she is probably treating you and your daughter even worse than you describe. You have my sympathy.
Here is the thread about getting an unwilling relative out of the house. It is long, but you can pick through if you need any ideas.

Make an appointment for her with a geriatric psychiatrist. Write up a summary of her behaviors and deliver it to the doctor before the appointment. See if s/he thinks that there is mental illness/dementia present. Otherwise...

You tell her" this is not working out any longer, you need to find another place to live." You also stop preparing meals for her.

You give her a date. If she doesn't move, you start eviction proceedings.

She hits you? Call 911 and have her taken to the ER for a psychiatric eval. If she is ever admitted to the hospital for any reason, do not accept her back after discharge.

If your husband allows this behavior from his mother toward you, you have a much larger problem. I think I'd arrange to spend a few weeks with a friend.
Sorry, I only skimmed the question and missed that it is your house, not hers, that makes it harder doesn't it?
However you have to go about it you need to separate from her. I wish you luck, strength and determination to see it through.
I missed that point as well - sorry. Either way, there needs to be a split made. Either she goes to her own apartment or she goes to assisted living if she thinks she can't live without help.
Absolutely, this woman needs to move out into her own apartment! There are senio apartments that are based on their income, that also have resources for shopping excursions, social gathering rooms and bus outings out there. In our state, they are called SHAG. She may be much more happy living amongst people her own age. Another thought, is adult day care, if your husband hasn't yet come to terms with kicking her out, but my guess is that eventually, it will come down to a her or you situation, and it might well be time for you to leave for a while, to force his hand, that is if you feel that he would choose you! Otherwise, continue to voice your unhappiness to your husband, as he is the one who will ultimately need to make this decision! Good luck to you. PS, I'm going through a simular situation in my own household, so don't think that you are the only one who is going through this, it's really tough! Take care!
Oh h3ll I'm nowhere near as nice as you lot. I would pack all her things and put them in the car, the I would put her in the car and drive her to her special ones and leave her there. Then I would go home change phone numbers, locks and go on holiday for at least 2 weeks to get over the strain. ......if only I had someone to take Mum to!!!

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