Help, I don't think I can go on. Meanness not dementia.

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My MIL moved in with us last June after a grandson she raised couldn't take her abuse. She was unable to live on her own, because she no longer drives and would constantly call us to come. So we moved her in. In the past 10 months so has thrown her cane at us several times and messed up the house during a tantrum because we went to a cookout without her. (We can't take her anywhere, she is rude to people and it's embarrassing) I buy her special frozen dinners and can goods just for her during the work day. (she is physically able to feed, dress herself and take meds) She feeds herself during the week, but on the weekends when we are home she refuses to fix anything and will not eat unless we fix it and bring it to her. She is constantly asking us when we are leaving, where we are going, and saying rude things to us. Last month was our daughter's 20th bday. She refused to tell her a happy birthday or do anything for her, yet she pays the grandson's who left cell phone bill. When I asked her why she did this to her granddaughter she said 'because I didn't want to wish her a happy birthday'. I will fix her dinner special since I eat Nutrisystem and my daughter is 20 and is never home and the hubby doesn't eat as much as he used too. So I will go out of my way to fix her meals and she will call me B!tch. Today she was going to hit my husband with her cane because he was spending time with me when I came home from shopping. I reached for the cane so that she could not hit him and she punched me. Yep, hurt too. No, I'm not pressing charges. She's my husband's mother. I respect love him and wouldn't for his sake. But she scares me. She lies and tells her brother and sister we are mean to her. (I take her to town every week when I do my grocery shopping, so she can get out of the house) We live very far out in the country so we don't go shopping during the week. She was used to the nephew taking her to Walmart daily. I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid to have the assessment done for a mental, because she isn't mental. There is no dementia or anything there, she's just mean. She's always been like this. She has abused and lied about or to the good responsible kids and none of them will take her. The other two (her favorites, that she would cut your throat for) they never come around unless they need her money. We don't take her money. She has plenty to spend on whatever she wants, she has good food available and fixed for her, we take her to all her eye doc, hearing aid, medical and dentist appts. We lose vacation days to do this. She sits in her recliner and watches her westerns on a 50" LED TV, she has a computer with games and internet.....she has it made....but I am afraid of her. That she will lie about me or my husband and cost us our jobs with charges, or she will burn down the house, or hit my dogs. We have an elderly German Shepherd that can barely walk and she 's always yelling at the poor dog for being in her way. I my fear is that she will charm the assessor and they will deem her sane and capable and we will be stuck, and if that happens she will know she has the upper hand and our lives will surely be hell. Has anyone run into this problem? Any suggestions? OH, she is only 70. Not that old at all. I have coworker who are 70 and work circles around me. She's just never taken care of herself, and she refuses to do for herself. We moved her in because we knew we would be up and down the road to her, so that was the smart option....so we thought. HELP please. Anyone who has been through this or is going through this and has suggestions please share.

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Sounds like so many dynamics going on actually. A mental/cognitive as well as hormonal and vitamin deficiency exam would be in order to see if the behavior is related. One thing about Dementia and or Alzheimer's is that they all go through similar if not cookie-cutter-like stages of mental and behavioral decline, systematic in nature as it affects the different areas of the brain. But each person brings a unique set of behaviors, habits, thought patterns, fears, phobias, skills and abilities, issues and of course DRAMA to the table. These behaviors usuall expose themselves at home or primarily with the Caregiver while they put on a good show for outsiders, when that line is crossed, something deeper is going on, see a doctor and try to be patient until you know what is causing it. The doctors answer will give you your solution as mentioned above. Either she needs help or she is just crazy and you need to get away from that. Hang in there, we're all there with you...
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Babalou gave you good advice. If she hits you again, call the cops. If you don't you are rewarding bad behavior. Since your husband doesn't protect you, you have to protect yourself. I agree with others; you, your daughter, and that poor dog should leave. The dog has no power and has to put up with the abuse, you are supposed to protect the helpless. Shame on you if you continue to let her abuse the dog and your daughter. If you want to put up with the abuse, that is your business.
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tacy022 - I am aware of HIPPA, and thank you for bringing that to my attention. The auto fill/correct inadvertently filled the entire name in. It has been removed...along with other information I wasn't aware people could troll on my profile. Thanks again for your close observation, and view of my profile details.
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Calicargiver, your profile actually states your patients full name. You do know this is a HIPPA violation, correct?
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I'm sorry to hear that your MIL is such a self-centered, bitter narcissist like my employer of 6 years is. As best as I can tell, my employer has been a calculating, manipulative, jealous, and spiteful person her whole life. Her sister confirms this. Before I became her caregiver I was naive. I never phantomed a seemingly sweet little old lady all of 5'1" and about 125 pounds capable of such diabolical schemes. People on this forum......especially the nurses, and medical professionals will tell you it's a symptom of dementia. That very well may be in most cases. But, not all. I never knew that old people lie, and manipulate, and calculate dispicable behavior like that I have witnessed over the past 6 years. An example that occured just last week: everyday I faithfully help my employer into the shower. It takes her 45 minutes to get her in there because she is extremely slow, and enjoys wasting time. Finally, after I was able to get her safely in her shower seat after what seemed to take forever, as soon as she sat down, she announced that she had to "go potty". 99% of the time this means she has to pee. (I'm just trying to tell it like it is!) if she needs to do number #2, she always says she "need to sit on the pot". Since it took so long to actually get her in the shower, and I had a list of other chores, cooking, etc. to do, I said "oh, it's ok....just pee in the shower". I heard her chuckle, and say "ok" as I closed the bathroom door. After I returned from putting the laundry in the washer, I opened the door to the bathroom to see she had dedicated all over the shower floor! I said "Frances! What the hell?!" Her response was to laugh, and say "you told me to go in the shower" then she began laughing uncontrollably, and said "now, you can clean it up". She thought it was so funny to humiliated me, and order me to clean up her mess. She has spit on me, tried to punch me, threw her dirty fluid from her brushing her teeth on me, she has told people like her conservator (who happens to be a priest) that I used to be a prostitute before I worked for her, she's told people that my sons (who have been nothing but respectful and kind to her) are drunks, and do nothing but use me, and engage in premisquise activities. For the record, both of my sons are straight A college students. One is a virgin, and the other is gay. She has scratched her own arm, and made it bleed, and then told her lawyer that she was terrified of me. She has told her lawyer that she fell out of the car, and allowed the lawyer to presume that it happened while she was in my car. She fell out of her own car 15 years before I met her! She has accused various people of outrageous things with absolutely no evidence or indication. If something doesn't present itself the way she wants it to, she literally makes it up. People tend to believe little old ladies that put on a sweet, and helpless act in front of people they want to fool. She is about as helpless as a barracuda! I've been criticized in the past about posts I've made on this sight that seem mean, or insensitive toward my elderly employer. But, those people have never spent 20 minutes with this woman when she is in a bad mood. Most all old people are kind, and sincere. Many enjoy being positive role-models, and if a person is patient, and compassionate, they will learn that the elderly have a wealth of knowledge to share. Most deserve all the respect that they give others. But, there are some...thankfully not all, but some that are as wicked, and evil as any diabolical human is capable of being. I don't know why I stay with this woman except that my family depends on me for support and I feel like if I left her, she would literally die because no one would put up with her crap. That's as real as I can say it. Sorry if some don't like what they are reading.
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I'm trying to figure out the reasoning of letting her move in, since she her behavior was too horrible to live with another family member. Why did you think she would change in your home? You say that she's always been this way. Still, age related decline or dementia could be at work here too. Regardless of what is causing her behavior, it can't be tolerated. I would figure out her options and let her move out by a date certain. I would give her legal notice as required by your jurisdiction. It does sound like she needs some kind of mental health care though.
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You, your daughter and the dog need to go live somewhere else for a few weeks. A motel would do. That will bring her and hubby to their senses real quick. Leave them to duke it out and do not return to the house until she is gone.
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Oh h3ll I'm nowhere near as nice as you lot. I would pack all her things and put them in the car, the I would put her in the car and drive her to her special ones and leave her there. Then I would go home change phone numbers, locks and go on holiday for at least 2 weeks to get over the strain. ......if only I had someone to take Mum to!!!
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Absolutely, this woman needs to move out into her own apartment! There are senio apartments that are based on their income, that also have resources for shopping excursions, social gathering rooms and bus outings out there. In our state, they are called SHAG. She may be much more happy living amongst people her own age. Another thought, is adult day care, if your husband hasn't yet come to terms with kicking her out, but my guess is that eventually, it will come down to a her or you situation, and it might well be time for you to leave for a while, to force his hand, that is if you feel that he would choose you! Otherwise, continue to voice your unhappiness to your husband, as he is the one who will ultimately need to make this decision! Good luck to you. PS, I'm going through a simular situation in my own household, so don't think that you are the only one who is going through this, it's really tough! Take care!
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I missed that point as well - sorry. Either way, there needs to be a split made. Either she goes to her own apartment or she goes to assisted living if she thinks she can't live without help.
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