Loss of privacy.

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This is my first post to any support group. My mother has lived with my husband and me for the past year since my dad died. It has been stressful for me and I am now having health problems of my own-some of them exacerbated by stress. My mother is very emotionally needy. I am quite concerned about my medical conditions and don't have the energy to constantly reassure her that I am fine (even though I am not). She constantly asks me about symptoms, how I am feeling, etc. when all I want to do is forget about it for a few minutes. I sometimes feel that she is less concerned about my well being and more concerned about what it means for her if I can't care for her. My siblings lives several states away so my husband and provide for her day to day needs. If she wasn't living with us, she wouldn't know as much about my health but since she's in the same house, it's hard to keep her from knowing more than I'd like (for instance, when I've been hospitalized). Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed. My husband is wonderful but I know this is all so hard on him too. Anyway, I feel a little better having written this out. I admire all who are providing care to others. Thanks for letting me vent.


LovesBooks, I ran into something similar with my parents who lived under their own roof, and me under my own. I learned quickly not to tell them I was under the weather otherwise they became helicopter parents, ringing the phone constantly to make sure I was still alive, yada, yada, yada.

But if I did mention that I was under a lot of stress because it's a lot of work being employed and also running my parents all over creation because they stopped driving, that went in one ear and out the other. They needed their wheels. It didn't matter that I got major panic attacks while driving, there was a sale on green beans at the grocery store. Like your Mom, was more concerned what would they do if I was out of commission.

One time I had broken my shoulder, I thought for sure that would have been a wake-up call for my parents that they would need to do for themselves, or move to Independent Living where the community bus would drive them. Nope. Even when I was bed bound for two weeks which was required by the doctor to help heal the break, Dad would call asking if I could drive him for a haircut :P
There's another possibility, which is that your mother has become heavily reliant and dependent on you and knows that if your health were to deteriorate, she could be in jeopardy of having someone care for you.
posted too soon....should have written that she could be in jeopardy of having some care for HER if you became ill.
Have a talk with hubby about your privacy and not to share with your Mother any concerns for your health because she is intrusive and unable to stop herself. Give him words you choose to have her know. He should be loyal to you and he.
He may unintentionally be the leak. Be gentle when you tell him.
He can talk to someone else, but I understand about the privacy needs.
Lovesbooks, Welcome! I hear you girl, I have the same problem going on in my home! My FIL has lived with us for 12 years, and his worst nightmare is if something should happen to my husband, his son, who right now, is dealing with a severely bad back problem! My FIL, is declining rapidly, and we are in the process of bringing in Home Health care. It's a terrible position to be in, and I'm sorry you are going through this! Keeps coming back, as this site, and being able to vent has helped me tremendously! We all care about one another, and you will find very good advice from incredible caregivers who are going through the same thing, or have been there! Good luck, and try to take care of you! Stacey B
It sounds as though your mom suffers from significant anxiety and perhaps depression. Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? Meds might help. Welcome!
Thanks for the kind welcome. I just discovered this site and already feel less alone. I agree that my mother has anxiety issues but I don't see any way of getting her to agree to a psychiatrist. In fact, I have a hard time getting her to be honest with her primary care provider and cardiologist.

My husband is wonderful about only telling her what we have agreed but she tries to trick him into saying more. For example, she will tell him that I said something that I never said in order to get his reaction. She does the same with me and it drives me batty. Thank goodness my husband and I have such open communication with each other.

This year has been areal learning experience. I never knew that having her here would be so hard. I know she has lost a lot with my dad dying and her moving out of state so I try to be understanding but right now, I'm sick and just feel so tired. Once again, thanks for letting me whine. Best to all of you.
Getting my mother to a geriatric psychiatrist made a huge difference - for the better - in both her life and mine - huge! The psyc did a complete medication overhaul and got her on meds that for the most part, put a stop to her mean, abusive, delusional behaviors. It took a month to kick in as some meds needed to be stopped and started gradually. I got her to go by telling her new medications are available to help her with her memory loss. Honestly, I was barely hanging on to the threads at the end of my frayed rope at that point and either I was going to have to completely disengage or have a a physical and mental breakdown - if the situation didn't change. Check into a geriatric phychitrist, get creative in coming up for a reason to get her to go. Wouldn't it be worth it if it can make your own life better and easier?

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