My helpful (dysfunctional) mom (from the perspective of an optimist).

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I live with and take care of my 91 year old grandmother. Luckily, my mom recently started coming to help with (interfere with) the way I care for her and run the house. In fact, she is here right now. She is so smart, she doesn't even need to (care to) ask me what she can do to help. She just (thinks she) knows. Last time she came, she reorganized my kitchen (rearranged it I cannot find anything) and cleared off the counters (got rid of things I use often) to make room for things I REALLY need. (things she thinks I need). She found other important jobs that I didn't even realize were a top priority and generously did them even though I asked her not to. She made many helpful suggestions (gave orders) on how I should do things from now on.(how she expects me to do things in her absence) She spent a lot of time talking to me (interrogating me) about a variety of topics. (Every single aspect of our lives have been scrutinized). I am enjoying the attention. (I feel like I am on the spot every second). The house looks so nice (I am exhausted from trying to keep things up to her standards).I am grateful (annoyed) she came here (hopped on her broom and flew in) to help me out by fixing everything the right way (her way).
Nana keeps asking me "Is she going home soon?", probably because she is enjoying the visit so much she never wants it to end. I feel the same way as Nana. It looks as though she is planning on staying over another night, but I am not sure because she doesn't tell me (warn me) when she is coming or how long she is staying, preferring instead to surprise me, the dear! . (I only very recently got her to agree to call first). How will I manage (celebrate) when she leaves? I guess I will just hang in there (relax and be myself) and look forward to (try not to think about) her next visit.

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lol,
yea ya learn to speak in parenthasese. my mom was going on to doc last tuesday bout how everything is going. i found myself editing the hell out of the story to doc in a low undertone. no need to argue factuality with mom but doc needs something resembling facts. she told him she takes 4 tbsp of chia beens for constipation. ONE tbsp of chia SEEDS doc. doc said hed gotten word that mother was agreeing to see a phsyc doc. i told him that she just as quickly decided phsyc could cram it. that got a smile out of doc. nutso changeo iz what im sayin..
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Queens, this is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I admire your ability to laugh amid the frustration. You go girl!
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Qweens, YOU ROCK! I am loving the way you write!

I think you need to begin charging your mother rent for the nights she spends there. I am betting that you already DO keep a beautiful home. If she has a room of her own while she is there, charge her somewhere between $90 to $125 a night. Check hotel rates in the area, the NICE hotels. You also need to charge her meal rates. This is practical stuff. There is extra cleaning and laundry to do when she comes. Laundry soap & additives, dryer sheets, lysol, bleach, windex, water, gas & electricity, YOUR TIME, etc. If you have to entertain her as well, that is part of the hotel charge, she is taking your time. Or you can charge her extra for it, I'm cool with that. If she doesn't like to spend her money maybe she will stop coming.

If she says that the place isn't clean enough, tell her that extra cleaning will cost her extra fees. *giggles* Then put a piece of paper across the toilet seat and fold the toilet paper fancy before she comes!

Or you can call your dad and charge him and he will put an end to it?

Or you can burn the broom?

Cause OMG, SOMETHINGS GOTTA GIVE!

ROFLMAO!!!
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Thanks, all of you for the positive feedback! When I signed on this morning and read your responses to my post, I felt so good! @Beanie, yes she is still here. I just heard her in the kitchen. I am happliy looking forward to (anxiously dreading) what new things she will surprise me with (spring on me) today.with anticipation.(anxiety) Whatever she has in mind is sure to be exciting..(raise my blood pressure) I find humor(and xanax) a helpful method in dealing with my frustrations (my mother), and I am glad I was able to make some of you laugh too. .
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Oh wow! Is she gone yet? You and Nana are going to need some chocolate and champagne (and maybe a witch doctor.) Your post was hilarious! : D
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That was awesome!!! :o)
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OMG! Kudos to you for your sense of humor and patience with your mother. You are truly a blessing to not just your grandmother but to your mother. I know frustrating it is to have a relative walk in door and start telling me how things should be. You handled it with much grace and dignity. Come back and share some more, we certainly can learn from you!! Hugs
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Wow! Reading your post was like watching a ping pong match. Interesting perspective into your caregiving approach. Actually enjoyed reading it, showed a lot of creativity and interesting humor. I am still figuring out if you are grateful or put out by your mom's vist, but definately enjoyed how you put it all together. Keep us posted. Need more people like you on this site, it is so refreshing.
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ROFLACGU! Thank you so much for the laughs. Now I am going to have to clean the coffee off my keyboard.
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