Feeling defeated.

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I am the youngest of 4 children. I have been caring for my 80+ year old parents for 2 years now. I make sure they get help from CNAs morning and night. The CNA makes sure they get a hot meal in the morning and usually they get a sandwich for lunch and I cook a hot meal for them at night. I do all the bills, doctor appointments, grocery shopping, and anything else in between. I also have 3 small children. I feel very tired and sad all of the time, because I feel like I get no encouragement from my siblings (much less a shoulder to lean on). They lead their lives and have their freedom and I am here. I don't mind helping my parents, but sometimes it would be nice to hear a THANKS from my siblings or lend an ear just to talk. I just feel so uncomfortable around my siblings because I have some harbored anger about all of this. They don't even email me EVER to see how things are going. Life goes on I guess.

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I imagine that my sister is saying I don't do enough to help her with Mom. I am doing the best I can. I am disabled. I am in constant pain. My husband has dementia. When I was helping her take care of Mom, everything I did was, wrong in her eyes. I love my mother and want the best for her, naturally. I tried and tried to the do the best, but it was never enough. Then when I wanted to have Thanksgiving with mom and sister, I was excluded and had to find other arrangements. Sister would have half the town over but not invite me. Then the day after Thanksgiving, she would call me and order me to do some chores and errands. Ditto Christmas, Easter and Independence Day and all other holidays. Half the town and not me then the next day order me to do some work. Some holidays I sat at home alone. Just a little bit of hospitality would go a long ways. So there you have it, the other side of the coin, why this sib is disgruntedly.
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suzmarie, you have every right to feel the way you do n it is hard to forgive n even more harder to just forget. I understand what your saying about your mom too for I call my mnl my 'shadow." She goes where ever I go. Like that, My Buddy doll they came out with years ago. As for your sister, I wouldn't know if it would do any good if u told her off or if u just be wasting your breath on her. Unless, it would make u feel better than I say, "Go for it!" Yet, it sounds like you r handle it pretty good n come back here to vent n let us know how u r doing.

Hope22, so sorry you r in the blues n I can see why. Join the crew here for we r all in some sort of similar yet different situation. Your feelings r normal n I cannot blame u for feeling the way your are n some! Have u tried to let the other family members know that u need help. They r not going to just call n asked. I don't know why, but it doesn't happen. If you r like a lot like us, then they don't care to help anyway even after you tell them u need help n a freaking break n that u have a life too just like them! Does your mom have Alzheimer's n if so have u tried to see if the Alzheimer's association in your local area can help you? I hope u r able to get some rest n keep us posted on how YOU r doing. Hey, next time u get to get out of the house while they r helping for a whole 45mints n make it into an all day out shopping or just gets some old break n go to a park n feed the ducks n breath the fresh air. At least with my husband I can get out some n actually see 'real-people." I know what u mean except you have it all to yourself due to selfish sibs. You know u can only do so much for u r only human. Hugs to you...
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Hope22 I know where you are coming from. I feel so bad when I lose my temper but the stress of 24/7 without any break in sight is unbearable I like you am mad at God and wonder what I have done. Seems to me that I am being punished for being a good person. I am not close to my one brother and my mother worships him this makes it so hard as I have to do all the work . Hang in there just know that others feel the same it is good to read all this at least we know we are not alone my parents are getting weaker and I am getting tried and loss my temper so my reward won't be that great. I will be the only one with guilt but then I am the only one who is carring the load. My parents are set in their ways and won't budge my home is about 1/4 mile away and I only get to go home about 45 minutes a day at this point due to my mother being afraid. Then some of the family sometimes has to come and sit with her while I am gone. I have tried to talk them into moving into my yard where I can be home and take care of them also I would fix them something nice . But they won't budge I pray just not to my temper more than any prayer but sometimes I don't know if he even listens to my prayers. Good luck and I am sorry for the money problems on top of everything. Take care . Hope the Holiday season brings you some kind of joy. Internet and TV sometimes are our only connection to the outside work but I sure am thankful for that.
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Wow, oh how I can identify, identify with most everything here......I cannot help but resent my only sibling. I do love him, but I have never felt or been, as alone in my life. Mama's mobility issue has gotten to a point where, I suppose in ways a blessing, she doesn't try to get up and roam anymore these days, so as long as I have taken her to the bathroom and gotten her settled, I am able to at least make a quick "there and back" run to the grocery store for about 30 minutes, otherwise I would never be able to leave the house. The resentment builds more and more each day as I watch everyone live their happy little lives and all are financially well off, while I continue to have liens filed against me right and left, so once I am even able to sell my former home, I will have little left. Strangely, I have been unable to find an attorney of any kind who will help me. I was thinking yesterday of how many times I been told "tell me what's going on with your situation and we'll see what we can do" and then I have to sit there and recant all the details and afterwards am told in some form or fashion, there's really nothing I can do. I feel catatonic. I know I lost my chance to have children a long time ago (53 now) and never married...I was ALWAYS the one who had to handle everything. I am angry, and if I'm being honest, I am angry at God. I am always being told about all the jewels in my crown, the home in heaven, blessings, etc. and to be honest, don't need the jewels but if the home in heaven comes with a pair of fluffy houseshoes and some flannel pjs I'd take that right about now. I am worn out mentally and physically. Yesterday I called one my friends and he was not available at the moment. I didn't leave a message, didn't know what to say. When he called back all I did was go into a cussing tyrade, not at him, but the situation. And finally just told him I can't talk about it anymore, what is the point, I give up. And all of this to say I know I am where I need and WANT to be...I love my Mother with all my heart, and I do cherish this time together and I WANT her to continue to live a LONG and happy life....but I cannot help feeling this anger building and building and when I do blow up it is going to be really really ugly. And here come the holidays and we always have had them here at Mother's house. I want nothing to do with any of these people. They have not been to help me in any way with Mother and do not even come to visit her. They provide no fnancial support, even knowing I am losing everything, they do not offer to help. I feel like I must have committed some horrific crime a long time ago and went into a deep amnesia about it so I don't remember it and I am now getting payback. All of my friends are gone, as it is not enjoyable to come and sit here.. I go from feeling peaceful to feeling as if were it not for Mother and my cats, I would just end it all. I have no answers, now a week ago I could have written a lot of flowery diatribe about how great life is, but I'm in one of my lows this week and have already said too much and as much as I used to love writing, I fear everything I have written here is jibberish....I think I am losing my mind... :(
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@ gabby503 its though i know. I hate my sister. People have all these quotes about forgiving and letting go of anger and resentment but its there no matter what I might try to do to extinguish it. Like all things in life, its gotten better and more tolorable over time (sister disowned me and mom 5 years ago). I have been angry with acquaintances, strangers that behave badly in public and even friends, but I get over those..in other words, try as we may, we can't make anger or resentment "just go away." I believe it is hard for the anger to ease when it is related to a significant relationship such as one with a sibling/loved one. I have just learned to compensate.
I had no life either when i was caring for mom and working full time but I was on the road to that. The problem Ihad was sleep deprivation.
I got caught up on sleep when I got laid off. My mom is attached to my right hip. I have a nice calm non eventful life and mom is part of that because she goes with me whereever I go. My private time...when she is asleep.
The saving grace, being laid off from work.
In short, i still harbour anger toward my sister; there a times when I [still] want to write, call, email or yell at her. That's when I just stop, breath, get some coffee or some other small activity to divert my mind. that's all i can do. Good luck to you
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I am the youngest of four, also. I care for my mother.....alone. I've never been one to dream about getting married or having children, but I was never totally against the idea. As I begin my 40s, I'm being forced to realize that at least the children probably won't happen. My siblings have children.....have been married, divorced, dating. I have no social life & feel I have too much baggage to be any good to anyone right now. My mother & I are always together....but I feel like the loneliest person in the world. I know for a fact that I do harbor resentment towards my siblings....and I don't want to waste my energy being angry with them......but still I am. I love my mother incredibly, but I miss my life. You are not alone.
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I don't know about being "rewarded." I was raised Catholic but I have had adult doubts...I am trying to believe. Until then, you have a tough job. I often use Dr. Phil's quote to help me which is: The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I think you are seeing what you siblings will be doing and have done, which appears to be nothing. My sister [also] hasn't spoken to me or mom in 5 years..this broke my heart and at the onset of mom coming to live with me, a heart break for mom. I don't dwell on it as much as before (which was never intentional) as 5 years have passed but even recently, have experienced horrible dreams. In a nutshell, I lost my sister, my nephews because of sisters unwillingness to talk. And, losing mother to Alzheimer's. Hang in their daddysgirl1. we will get through this. I am sure you ARE tired and my thoughts are with you.
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glornorth, so sorry to hear that your brother is n denial n won't help out. We hear it a lot n I am dealing with similar situation with my dad that lives in another state where my 3 brothers live n other relatives. While I am here in GA taking care of my husband mom whom has mild Alzheimer's n just turned 81 n she is a red-head if u know what I mean. Sorry all red-heads but they do have a fuse. Of course I do with the Irish too. Not sure if this is good advice but I would check anyway about getting someone to come n for your mom for she is going to need someone 24/7. Does she have any insurance that would help pay for in-home care? Have tried your local Agency on Aging or Alzheimer's association for suggestions n resources for it u let your own health go down then whom is going to take care of you? I don't think the man above meant for your health to decline while u take care of your mom that refuses help. I do hope others on here can give u some more suggestions n hang in their n breath. Keep us posted on how YOU r doing too.
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Hello all, I can emphasize with all of you here who feel defeated. I am living with my mother in her home and caring for her 24/7. She is 87, has Dementia and COPD and can not walk very well. What makes me really resentful is that my brother and his wife who now have an empty nest and are extremely well off financially are in denial about my mother's situation. They have not been to visit her for 5 years now and they only live about 100 miles away which is approximately a 4-5 hour drive. I have tried telling them the brutal facts about needing some kind of support here, but my brother says, "I don't want to hear it!". So, I am 61 and also have some back and neck problems but no time to tend to myself. We can't afford a CNA and my mother refuses to have anyone (stranger) come into her home. I feel like I have no life. I tried to work part time thinking she sleeps late mornings and I would be back before she wakes up, but even with this, I am double tired from working, cleaning house, cooking meals, waiting on mom, driving her to doc appts, and monitoring her meds. It is very hard at time and depression and anxiety have overwhelm me. I occasionally get up at 6:00am to take a drive to Starbucks and just sit there in a stupor while I drink a coffee. At least it is a small break. Christian people tell me that God will reward me for caring for my mother and that I will always be provided for when she passes away. I try very hard to pray and focus on this as much as possible. God bless you all dear caregivers and may God give you peace.
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Thanks to Only1of3. I totally agree with you! We are there, believe me. I think a number of my siblings are so caught up in drama, drama, drama that all they do is run around like chickens with heads cut off, emoting about this or that. I am a person who likes to find a solution, or let it go. The payoff for them is all the 'feeling' that they are good people. I know I am a good person and that I will do the right thing. Have to leave it at that.
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