Recovering from an aging narcissistic mother. How to deal with the bad behavior.
It has been several months since my father passed. He definitely had trying issues. I came to live with my parents at his request as he was in hospice and confined to bed. I was the only child willing to move back home. I'd left the state and moved 2500 miles to get away from the horrible impacts of my mother on my life. I am haunted by an image of my dad when my mother left for an hour to shop. He confided "she says terrible things to me when no one can hear" Those comments included her embittered "if you don't die soon I will kill you myself" I thought "welcome to my world dad" remembering the Sunday school teaching martyr with the no good husband my mother's image to the world was. Meanwhile I grew up with a woman more like Satan than Christ whose Christian friends would have dropped their teeth if they actually heard what she had to say about them behind her sweet smile.
In the end the only thing I could do is contact adult protective services who made sure the next time my dad "fell" out of bed he was put in a home. This was his greatest fear, I was identified as the trouble maker that made it happen and my last memories of him yelling at me to "get out".
It was jarring to hear how she talked to my father and yet when care workers came she said "I never leave his side" implying it was because I'm a good devoted wife. She couldn't wait for him to die something she repeatedly told me. Her academy award worthy performance after his funeral while setting her eyes on a recent widower was jarring. She would primp herself up speaking of the aging neighbor's fascination with her. Meanwhile making false reports of caregivers sexual abuse of her husband for the sake of gaining attention.
Destroying a career or reputation to gain attention for herself is her MO. I found the woman's neediness and quest for attention absolutely insatiable and that there were no lies she wouldn't tell or lives she wouldn't destroy with false reports in order to get more attention.
At this juncture I've changed my phone number and moved away as several more instances of her lies about me resulted in some mistreatment by siblings toward me. In the end I've realized my siblings have projected their rage about mommy dearest on me and since I refuse to be the family whipping post, no matter how much it delights my mother to stir it up, I've cut them all out of my life. In that choice I get the most wonderful freedom. We do have the power to say no to abuse and even if sentimental "I should care for mom" ideas are prevalent it does not give an abuser destructive narcissistic mother license to continue on. I realized from reading things here that when she passes my siblings will pick up where she left off as it is simply the family dynamic.
The wonderful thing is I get to say no and refuse to play.