Recovering from an aging narcissistic mother. How to deal with the bad behavior.

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It has been several months since my father passed. He definitely had trying issues. I came to live with my parents at his request as he was in hospice and confined to bed. I was the only child willing to move back home. I'd left the state and moved 2500 miles to get away from the horrible impacts of my mother on my life. I am haunted by an image of my dad when my mother left for an hour to shop. He confided "she says terrible things to me when no one can hear" Those comments included her embittered "if you don't die soon I will kill you myself" I thought "welcome to my world dad" remembering the Sunday school teaching martyr with the no good husband my mother's image to the world was. Meanwhile I grew up with a woman more like Satan than Christ whose Christian friends would have dropped their teeth if they actually heard what she had to say about them behind her sweet smile.
In the end the only thing I could do is contact adult protective services who made sure the next time my dad "fell" out of bed he was put in a home. This was his greatest fear, I was identified as the trouble maker that made it happen and my last memories of him yelling at me to "get out".
It was jarring to hear how she talked to my father and yet when care workers came she said "I never leave his side" implying it was because I'm a good devoted wife. She couldn't wait for him to die something she repeatedly told me. Her academy award worthy performance after his funeral while setting her eyes on a recent widower was jarring. She would primp herself up speaking of the aging neighbor's fascination with her. Meanwhile making false reports of caregivers sexual abuse of her husband for the sake of gaining attention.

Destroying a career or reputation to gain attention for herself is her MO. I found the woman's neediness and quest for attention absolutely insatiable and that there were no lies she wouldn't tell or lives she wouldn't destroy with false reports in order to get more attention.

At this juncture I've changed my phone number and moved away as several more instances of her lies about me resulted in some mistreatment by siblings toward me. In the end I've realized my siblings have projected their rage about mommy dearest on me and since I refuse to be the family whipping post, no matter how much it delights my mother to stir it up, I've cut them all out of my life. In that choice I get the most wonderful freedom. We do have the power to say no to abuse and even if sentimental "I should care for mom" ideas are prevalent it does not give an abuser destructive narcissistic mother license to continue on. I realized from reading things here that when she passes my siblings will pick up where she left off as it is simply the family dynamic.
The wonderful thing is I get to say no and refuse to play.


It sounds like you made the right decision. When dealing with these kinds of personalities it is best to place distance, boundaries and detachment in our lives to protect our own sanity. Hugs to you!!
You certainly have my sympathies.
My mother is an 89 year old narcissist. She demands two things from everyone that comes in contact with her, you must feel sorry for her and you must adore her. If you don't follow these "rules" she gets very angry and get's verbally abusive.
She's been this way her entire life, but now that she's becoming dependent on others, the game has gotten very tiresome.
I keep my exposure to her to a minimum.
My mom was a narcissist. She took care of my dad when he got Alz and I know she was mean to him except she was sneaky enough to hide it and knew because he couldn't speak he'd never tell. My dad was a gentle soul and the only person who agitated him enough to lash out was mom. I didn't snap to it until after his death and then the resentment set in because upon my questioning her, she was all full of denials. Poor dad. Yeah, my mom also demanded sympathy and adoration. She got neither from me and it infuriated her. I didn't have to recuse myself, she disowned me first and then told everyone who'd listen that my kids and I aband0ned her. She died 2 yrs ago and I do NOT miss her.I'm on my second lawyer/legal issue regarding her and I live in fear that once this one is over another one will crop up. Gives a new meaning to being "haunted" by her. I survived but I won't ever get over any of this. I just keep hoping it'll hurt a little less each day. I work hard at trying to feel secure, worthy and intelligent, none of which she wanted me to feel. It helps to know others had narcissistic moms but makes me feel sad that others had to endure the heartache.
I too have a mother who is a narcissist. She has verbally and emotionally abused me my whole life. she is 91 years old and a week ago she said she wished she had never adopted me. doesn't know how she raised a person like me, i have never done anything for her. I have heard these statements my whole life. She has said things to me that I am not able to post- language is too bad. I have not seen her for a week, she lives in a nursing home. I am the only child. I really don't think I can take the abuse anymore and I really don't want to ever see or talk to her again. Am I wrong?
You are not wrong! There has to be a limit to the abuse and even if you know she is cruel, vindictive and a liar it does not keep it from doing damage. It has been 5 months since I changed my phone number and moved away permanently and I think my body, mind, outlook and sense of hope grow a little more each day that I am away. Today I had an image in my mind of being buried under a pile of rocks. The rocks were her insults, sabotage and lies over the decades and in this image the rocks were being pulled off of me one by one and I was becoming free. I was pulling rocks off myself. In that freedom I was able to find out who I really was, a person of worth. The day I cut it off with her I realized I had become so violently angry with one more of her latest sabotage tricks that I was becoming verbally abusive myself. I didn't want to become her and as someone here said "becoming toxic to fit in their toxic world is not worth the price". that is my paraphrase. My wake up call about becoming someone I didn't want to be was the last time I saw her. I spent days doing a bunch of errands for her, including cooking and cleaning when she turned on me about my worthlessness. After she left the room, I pulled her milk carton out of the fridge and spit in it. I was so shocked by that behavior when I left her house, I left for good and determined I would never see her again. On one hand there was something deeply satisfying about spitting in the milk, on the other hand that she could impact me enough for me to engage is such childish behavior was too disturbing to tolerate another minute
freedom, what a wonderful post! Congratulations for saving yourself and stopping the cycle. May you have continued growth, insight and relief. Your's is a story of hope for others.

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