Dad wants to go home.

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My dad has been in a nursing home since March 2014, after having a below the knee amputation. Before that he was living at home with my mother and receiving daily CNA support due to both physical and cognitive deficiencies. But my mother died in December 2014 and I was living and caring for dad until he went into the hospital and then nursing home. The problem is that he does not want to be there and brings this up constantly. I am struggling with the decision whether to take him home again and care for him there (he'll need lots of support even though he doesn't think so) or have him stay in the nursing home which is a wonderful facility.


So sorry to read about the recent passing of your Mom.

You mentioned you were caring for your Dad before he had the amputation, was he able to move about? With the amputation, as you probably already know, he will be far less mobile, thus more challenges... he probably would need help being moved from the bed or wheelchair to the bathroom, depending on his age and physical strength. I wasn't sure with your posting, does he have memory issues? Memory issues are only going to get worse, unfortunately.

Majority of the time, one's parent is going to tell the grown child they want to go home. Do you visit him the same day and time each time? If yes, try going a different day or at a different time. I have read on the forums here where a grown child will find their parent actually enjoying themselves with the other residents during a group activity or while dining in the dining room.

Another thing about "wanting to go home" and if the parent has dementia, the going home could also mean two other things... wanting to go back to their childhood home where they were young and active... or wanting to go home to meet their Maker.
He may also be wanting to go home to see that everything is still there. Your mom recently died, and he may be fretting over losing her stuff or not getting closure? Just a thought. Does he know she passed away? Or is he somehow expecting her to be there when he gets home?

And, do you work? It was one thing for the two of them to be there when you were at work, but a different situation if he will now be alone. Are you still living there?

And, I don't mean to pry, but is his nursing home care being paid for by funds, or contingent on him returning to his home or forfeiting it for payment? With your mom gone, the legal status of the home may be in question now. Sometimes the absence of owner living in home for longer than a year can change everything.
Sorry you have to be dealing with this while still grieving over your loss.
Mother asks to go passed the house. She has been in the NH for 2 years and is 96. At first, I said I would take her. Then, I saw that she is a 2 person lift and can not do even one step (stairs.) I told her to arrange a medical transport. That was a year ago. She has not arranged it.

She is happy in the NH. Taking her to the house and having any trouble getting her to leave, is not an option. Her house sits there, deteriorating. But it is what it is.
Thank you all for the responses. Dad does have significant memory loss - the type where he asks the same question over again within a conversation, or doesn't remember your visit yesterday until prompted, but remembers things of the past. He is on Medicaid so the nursing home cost is covered. He would have to stay on Medicaid at home but, of course, that will cover far less caregiver time. (The house already belongs to my sister and me, so that's not a worry)

I will have to fill in the gaps and manage the whole thing. I'm trying to weigh putting my life plan on hold for him while realizing that he may not actually be any "happier" at home.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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