When you are accused of stealing from your aging parent.

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My 94 year old mother said she had been saving her money and had $20,000 hidden. She said she went in the other day and the envelope was gone. Now it is only me and mom here in this house and talk about being devestated about her thinking I took all her money tore me up last night. I feel better this morning and feel like I can deal with it but it took me some time to get to this place. It does have me scared that my sisters and brother will believe that I took it.

Several years ago the house was turned over into my name since I have been here with mom for 10 years. She told me yesterday that she gave it to me. Of course I had to chime in to her and let her know that I have earned this meager little house of 59,000.00 but she insisted that I did not earn it. I shut up and went on but it does hurt me that she feels this way and now tells others that I have taken some money, lots of money. This is a very tough place to be.


So sorry I know how you feel. My mom has dementia and no matter what you do to try to convince them. Their brain is telling them different. I had the same thing happen when mom moved in to my house. She thought I was stealing things from her too. She also keeps asking about all her money. I just keep telling her the money is in the bank. She wants the money to move out. But she has no reasoning left. In her mind.. she is okay. But truth is she is 91 can't walk without some assistance, losing her ability to talk and has not much control with bladder and bowels. ( Last night was one of the worst nights for me, she had two be bowel blowouts. ) The only thing I can say is to not take it to heart. I felt the same way as you did, but after 6 months of her staying here with me. I have come to terms with the disease. Try not to argue or disagree, sometimes nodding her head and saying something like. Mom?, I don't know where it is ...but I will help you look for it? Soon she will forget that subject, I hope. I'm so very sorry...it's a hard road to travel and it's only the beginning. Take care of you too.
Being accused of stealing is hard. My mother has only done it once, but it scared and shamed me, even though I knew I hadn't done it. It is an awful feeling.

I wondered two things for your mother: was there really an envelope with $20K? And if there was, where could she have hidden it that she can't find it? Sometimes my mother dreams or comes up with things that aren't true, but I can't convince her that they aren't. This made me wonder if she did have all the money -- it is a lot to leave lying around in a house if someone isn't rich. I'm not rich and I don't think I could even scratch up $1K, much less $20K. If she did have it, it's still around there somewhere. When my mother mentions something is mentioned, I ask her if she did something with it. Then I say, "If you didn't throw it away, and I didn't, it is around here somewhere." That calms her down. Your situation is a bit tougher. If you didn't know about the money, ask her how she was able to squirrel away so much and where she might have hidden it. That might get her thinking.
My mom is now in AL. She told me her banker called ( been dead for years) and she got 200 million dollars. She tells the nurses she has millions. No wonder they are nice to her. Truth is I hope she can financially afford to stay there as I am trying to recover from major burnout. waiting to see if her long term insurance will kick in. May not for AL.
dgharris, is your mom suffering from dementia? If so, this can be expected. If not, you have the same problem I have.

My mom is 82, sound of mind and in good health. Nothing out of the ordinary for her age. About 5 years ago dad died and I pushed for her to draw up a power of attorney. They were both getting old.

Mom did all of this BUT, she made my brother her poa, executor of her will, put him on her checking accounts. Basically left me out of everything to do with her care. Why? She seems to believe I asked my dad for money at some point 25 years ago. This never happened and dad is dead so I couldn't ask him what was going on.

Over the past 5 years she has expanded on the lies to cover the initial lie. Finally, my brother forced her to make a new poa, with me as alternate, and at the last minute she wanted to put my nephew on as the alternate. A FU to me, once again.

My point is I understand your pain and embarrassment. I have stopped having anything much to do with my mother. In fact, she had a little health scare and I contacted her only a couple of times, very superficial.

My brother told me he was sad that mom and I have such a bad relationship but it was partially my fault. How is that I asked. Well, seems I told her I was mad at her for not paying for my college and not sending me to college. I never said anything of the sort.

Now either my mother is the meanest woman alive or she is getting dementia. My brother says she is sharp as a tack.

I know too well how much this has hurt you. I would talk to your mother before this becomes the awful situation I now have. And you have cared for her for the last ten years. This is just not fair.
Yesterday, coming from from my work out, I noticed my mom with her caregiver was ready to go somewhere. I asked where she was going , she said somewhere. I sensed they were going to the bank. When they came back she looked very much agitated and started talking to herself in a loud voice, so I can hear her. She was saying something like, ...my God, have mercy...how can this be done???
I approached her and asked what was going on? She said my sis' funds, my Aunt's, at the bank is getting smaller n smaller. ( It is worth abt $25,000). I asked, are you accusing me of stealing money from her account??? She said she's not accusing me...but obviously she is!!! I called my brother for a short meeting and we explained to her that any withdrawal is backed up by receipts. And only to find out later, that she was actually looking for the bigger sum, that we have investef to mutual funds. To be accused of stealing money is very upsetting, im still very upset.
my mom wild ey-edly accused me of stealing 700 bucks one evining. id seen her with her purse squirreling around in a locked hallway closet a few nights earlier and was sure shed stashed the cash in there. it wasnt there, bummer . we searched the place high and low for a while until my raising the lid on her roller walker tripped a trigger and she remembered stashing it in the zip pouch of the walker lid. wouldnt you know she then gave it to me for safekeeping and dispersal to the paid helpers ? not a chance of an apology for the false accusation, she was too demented to reason that thoroughly. before giving me the money she left it overnight in one of my deceased dads shirt pockets on the pretense that hed keep it safe. dementia is not child like. even a child would see the lack of reasoning in that effort.
Everyday I supposedly move her stuff, take stuff she hasn't had in 50 yrs! I just ignore her, if I try to explain to her she did it, it causes an argument...

Unfortunately you have to grow thick skin and don't take it to heart...I just walk away and mubble under my breath "crazy lady"..
When mom is frustrated, she sometimes accuses me of things. Sometimes, it's that I forced her to come live with me (not true, because we had a pleasant discussion where she agreed to come live with me and not return to her house), I forced her to leave her things behind (we went through every room and every item to bring only the things that meant the most to her since I don't have room for her entire household of goods, so that's not entirely true) - that sort of thing. She blames me because she doesn't see my brother on holidays. Basically, everything is my fault when she's frustrated. I find it depends on whether she's having a good day or a bad day, for one.

But someone made a comment that bank accounts can be tracked by the transactions and I want to tell you that that doesn't tell the entire story. My mother complains that someone took her money. I looked into it. She wrote two large checks to Cash that she signed. She took two big lumps of money from her account and doesn't seem to remember why or where it went. I kind of gather that she gave it to someone and I suspect I know who it was, but I just want to say that it's not as easy as just getting copies of the checks. I had her pay the bank the fees to get the backs of the checks to see the endorsements and it's not just her signature, but it really does look like her hand-writing. I could see if it was forged, but I'm pretty confident that she did do that and just doesn't remember. I think whoever it was was smart-enough to have her get the cash for them, rather than taking the checks and signing them, themselves, so that it would be hard to find out who it went to.
It is really hard to help aging parents.....

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