My relationship with my mother is deteriorating, and I've been blaming myself.

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She is 82 and lives with me. Searching for "and answer", I came upon this website. I'm feeling such relief at reading all the questions/answers/concerns/laments, that I needed to drop a note to express my appreciation! I've found a support community!


Ellen, I can relate! My mom is 82 also and we have always shared a good relationship. Now she lives with me and I am having all these feelings and am unhappy....We have lived apart for over 40 years... often not even in the same time zone. i want the end of her life to be good and happy, but it doesn't seem to be going that way. hard to juggle a husband, family and MOM. She is so healthy now and would truly benefit from a retirement community, but won't even consider it because she wants to live with me. (moved her in with me because she got cancer, but she is now cancer free) I feel her quality of life is suffering and my is really going down hill. Have major guilt feelings. This support community is really helping me. i don't feel so alone. It helps to vent in a non judgmental forum. hang in there!
Wow! Maybe is is something to do with 82 year old moms! LOL! I, too, suffer from the guilt and the stress from having my mom live with us. The hardest part for me to deal with is not having "my" mom anymore. The dementia has stolen her away from me and I find myself getting upset with mom, but when I step back I realize that it isn't her that is the problem, it's my feelings about losing the mom I had as a child. I am working very hard at coming to terms with all of that and sometimes it just isn't easy. I love my mom and I, too, want her to have quality of life up until the end and I just pray that she will be able to stay here and that I will be able to give that gift to her. But sometimes, I just want to spank her butt and put her in a time out! LOL! Gotta keep some humor cause if not I would cry! I am very grateful to have found this site because it really does help to come here and lean on each other! Thanks, hope this helps.
I agree with mstone55 one has to have humor to get through the hard times we face about aged loved ones. I, too, see the decline of my mother and the relationship she has with my siblings. My mother in late stages of dementia and other systemic problems are stressing to all of us. I can't say enough of guilt as I recognize it through one of my sibllings who can't cope... so she is in avoidance which makes it harder on me and brother. My brother has health issues. I am learning to set boundaries on where I can help and will step in on my time as I have plenty on my plate. I help out once a week and call mom daily. My mother needs to be "placed" and of course its a guilty feeling but one can't do it alone even if one says he or she can. I love this sight as I learn new discussions and I am not alone in my feelngs. God Bless !
Please don't feel guilty EllenS. You're doing your best. I took 5 years off of work to take care of my mother and I would not trade that for anything. Near the end I could see her decline and knew in my heart that she wouldn't be with us for very long, but at least I did all I could for her and we had time together (something neither of my brothers can say). Good luck and remember this website is here to unload if you need and get lots of assistance.
Wow you guys -- awesome. My mother's world is getting smaller. She tries to hold onto whatever she can even though it backfires. Just this week, I noticed a change in her behavior. I hesitated bringing up my usual question about any new medications because she always gets annoyed with me saying I have no sympathy. She has severe leg cramps and has had them for years. She has visited countless doctors and specialists -- no diagnosis. Knowing my mother as I do, I know this is due to not feeling her feelings and not working through her issues. However, she keeps trying for that "magic pill". She got a new Rx -- and, wow, did she react poorly! All the negative side effects hit at once. So, I'm 54, divorced, raising on my own my 17 year old daughter and 9 year old son and find myself more and more involved in "handling" (I hate the word, but it applies) my mom ... so our holiday yesterday was focused around detoxing my mom. She refuses the hospital, and I don't blame her. But, I become triage/head nurse/bottle washer...Ugh! We made it, though, and today I had an inspiration to book a massage for her -- just from her legs down -- to possibly offer some relief. She loved the idea and massage, so that's a once a week to add to the calender! Thx for the feedback! Peace and Love to all.
My heart goes out to each of you. I quite work two years ago to live with my mother in order to help her to handle things around the house and to be there for her while my dad went through radiation for brain cancer. She has some mental issues with forgetfulness, however, she still tries hard to live life the best she can. She is hard to get along with some times, but when it is the end of the day, we manage to laugh and talk about my dad and our plans. The forgetfulness does frustrate me a lot of times and I am learning to be honest and keep her in the present. How do you all deal with forgetful ness issues?
EllenS, have the doctors checked your mother for peripheral artery disease? My father had this and had severe cramping in his legs. He used to pull them up to his chest to try to ease the pain. We didn't know what it was until he was near death. If I had know then what I know now...
Hugs to everyone! I too am on an emotional rollercoaster with my Mom. I have taken great care of their financial and health affairs for several years however Mom goes bananas every 3rd of the month as to wheather the "bills" are paid. Mom and Dad are in NH care but it has to be the dementia that has Mom constantly concerned if she will have her meals...everyday its the same.

I can't get her to stop doing any of the things that wear me down mentally, for example, I spoke with her last night and we had a good conversation. This morning while at work I had received several missed calls from the NH and by the time I saw these missed calls my stomach was turning with butterflies because I figured something must be serious. NO, it was Mom calling in a panic wanting to know where I was, if I was ok and had the "rent" been paid she said she hadn't talked or seen me in 2 weeks! I visited with them last Sat, my Husband visited on Mon and we've talked on the other days but she almost called me a liar..then tells me "I'm soo sorry, I won't bother you anymore, I'mm 88 yrs old, I just need you to understand. Well if she can say that much, maybe I'm wrong but if she can use logic to her convenince...why can't I??? Is it dementia or her control freak appearing..maybe both!

All I know is, I'm so tired nothing makes anything better and I'm all tapped out!
Ellens, my Mom too has terrible cramping in her legs and she also is always looking for a "magic pill" for everything. Mom has Neuropathy...poor circulation that is tied to her Diabeties and she has very low sight due to Macular Degeneration. Mom has smoked ciggarettes all of her adult life, she is 88 and refuses to stop smoking...ergo....further decline in her major ailments but no, she wants a pill.

This fourm has been a mind saver for me, I thank everyone for their words of wisdom and support. None of us are alone, when others just don't get it come to this website...we get it.
Sumlerc...I struggle w/being tired and, at times, slightly depressed. My entire life revolves around taking care of...someone. I know that it is time for me to add SOMETHING ELSE to my schedule (lol -- where do I find the time), and that something else is some r & r for me, an adult playdate for me, something for me to do with someone that has absolutely nothing to do with the care of someone else! That is my short-term goal for this Summer! Just as I'm finding that having this group to vent emotionally helps me care for my mom, I just know that finding an outlet for my social needs will help me be peaceful around the fact that I have so little time for me! I must make time! Thank you all! Peace and Love...
Ellens, It sounds like you are already on your way to a better you! You have great ideas of how you want your life to be, work your plan and I know you will find inner peace along the way.
Best wishes to you.

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