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I posted a question earlier this week. Here are more details. We moved back to Maine because it seemed like I had to keep running up there for her health issues. We were visiting several times a year. She fell off the porch and broke her neck. We felt that was the last straw. We moved in with her on what was supposed to be a temporary arrangement. When the routine set in I got a rude awakening that how would I possibly manage her huge home and my own. I also work a stressful 8 hours a day at a hospital. Financial issues are playing a huge role in this. I am making an 8th of what I was making in Florida and so is my husband Thought I was doing the only right thing to do at the time but let's just say it was the biggest mistake. Well for an update since I posted a few days ago, every night I have come home from work this week she has come at me with something else. Finally found her checkbook but insisted that she had called the credit union to cancel the account. I was suspicious so I put her in the car and off we went to the credit union. I mentioned to her that she was going to have to go to the SS office to notify them for her check. Well I am glad that I called her bluff because the manager said that no one had called and that you can't just close an account over the phone. The look was priceless. She realized I had called her bluff and she became more determined to make my life hell. Thursday her eye drops were stolen and last night she started a huge thing because she got a credit card bill that she says I used her credit card even though the 3 small purchase were made by her and I was able to justify each one. Oh and I finally got in touch with my useless brother and advised him of what is going on here and that he needs to put his big boy pants on and show some support. Forgot to mention she has been falling and says someone pushes her. Had a bad one a couple of weeks ago and got a cut on her forehead that was bleeding. Made her go to the hospital She was so mad but I decided I need to take every opportunity to get these occurrences documented. She was as sweet as pie when the nurses were in the room but when we were alone she was spitting venom. Can anybody give me short term advice to help me keep my cool? Don't even know how I will be able to get her to agree to go to see a doc Her primary doc is supposed to be for the elderly but he is useless. Someone help please. Oh and I am going to see a counsellor on Mar 8 through my job but that is not for another2 weeks.


I missed your earler post. Does your mom have dementia? Do you have poa? I think in the face of this kind of nastiness, i would back off, offer to hire a cleaning service to do laundry and clean up ( with her money) and let her manage her affairs. When she falls, call 911. Don't show up. Let them evaluate if she can live independently without her personal whipping girl/boy.

If she has dementia, it's a different story. You may need to seek, or allow the state to seek guardianship sp that someone can determine where she can be safely cared for.

I'm so sorry hat you are going through this!
Babalou's right. Unfortunately, you've gotten into a situation that has no balanced solution, no good outcome, and isn't going to change. You've got to put some distance between her and yourselves, or you're going to end up with health issues yourself.

I didn't see your earlier post either, but I'm guessing that you're regretting having made the decision to move in.

One of the first things I'd consider is downsizing; you can't keep up a large home, w/o help, and take care of her too.

You and your husband should have some private talks about how far you're willing to go to continue in this situation before either moving back, or selling the large house, or finding a placement for her.
Thank you for your comments. Please keep them coming as every contribution gives me more food for thought.
Koko, if your mom is competent and nasty, or narcissistic, or mentally, but still competent. ..if she can't be sweet talked or cajoled into things, the it's in no way your obligation to put up with her abuse. Walk away. If she falls and she competent, she's able to get help. Don't feel obliged to disrupt your life to cater to her.

You can only really help someone who wants to be helped, and who will mwet you half way. Has she always been like this?
I think you have a problem if you are living with her. If this is the case and you know she needs help for Activities of Daily Living, you may need to set up some kind of outside assistance before you can step away from the situation. She is emotionally abusing you; I think you really need to talk to Adult Protective Services and see what you can do in this situation to protect **YOU**. Not only is she abusing you, but she could potentially claim that you pushed her down and harmed her physically. Yet if you left, there is an outside chance that with the same fall, you could be charged with neglect since you know she falls, provided her support when you lived there, but moved and left her no help. Rock and a hard place, yes, go talk to Adult Protective Services! And if they can help her, that would be great too.
Well after reading all of your posts I am wondering if this is some sick and twisted way of getting attention from me. When a person has dementia do they demonstrate those qualities just toward a certain person or would they act the same toward everyone?????
Koko, has your mom been diagnosed with dementia? Or do you suspect it?

My experience with SOME dementia patients is that they can be awful to their caregivers and sweet to others. Don't know why.

Have you asked your mother why she treats you so badly? Is there any chance you can get her to a psychiatrist, preferably a geriatric one?
My Mom had dementia - she & Dad lived in TN and my sister & I both live in ME (sometimes I didn't think it was far enough My sister & I would trek the 1400 miles 2-3 times per year to visit with my folks & help them out. We also called weekly and took care of anything they asked for help with (insurance, property taxes, etc). Mom treated us so badly at times that the only reason we'd gather the strength to visit was for Dad. Mom would start insulting us - usually bringing up things that happened 40 years ago - and behaving like it was yesterday. She'd be confronting a couple of middle-aged daughters on stuff they did when they were in their

It didn't matter how much we sacrificed and helped and fetched & carried for Mom - she didn't seem to appreciate it and treated us like an unwelcome rash. She had not one bad word to say about her son - our useless brother who never lifted a finger (or even a telephone receiver) to help or show a real interest in their well-being ever.

So - Mom was never the sweetest person in the world - to me, Dementia just made her a little less inhibited. But she did demonstrate the ability to pick & choose her victims.
Oh that has been so helpful and a answered my question about whether dementia can be directed at certain people only.
And I am on the same situation with a useless brother. He is always too busy to listen always some excuse to put things on the back burner. He came to get her 3 years ago to visit in Chicago and told me upon her return "never again". But he can do no wrong. Ever. He wanted me to dump her in assisted living years ago but she is in denial. Oh and I have to be the one to drive her to the store to get cards for them for the holidays, etc. Spend my money to mail parcels to the grandkids but NEVER get a thank you. I think now will be to find out if she has dementia. If she is just mean then I am walking away and he will inherit her.

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