73-year-old wants to move out.

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73-year-old wants to move out mother, Health concerns diabetes and depression. So my mother's been living with me for 7+ years and a couple days ago I learned it she's been secretly planning to move out. Her plans are for the end of this month and although I've talk to her it appears that she has a job offer to babysit and free room included in a friends home I've never met. It sounds like a great employment opportunity free room $200 a month I want the best for my mother. On the other hand I've had to look after her affairs in the last seven years couple car crashes regulate dispense her medications and cope with the mood swings's, not to mention the extra clean up due to her poor eyesight. In saying all this I already feel guilty. I have always longed to have a great relationship and my mom, and because of my busy lifestyle, and her former busy lifestyle (she is now retired). We were never able to really enjoy each other. My mom isolating her bedroom watches TV all day and my only chance to bond with her is in the evenings and it usually through the door when I'm letting her know that I love her and I want her to dreams with the angels. I feel horrible, have a been a terrible daughter are the questions that are pressing my mind, I don't know perfect, I have an adult daughter grandchild adopted son and grouchy husband all under the same roof. I could sense her resentment towards me at times and I wonder if she's moving out because of me. I admit I've asked my mom to let me do the dishes to not worry about cleaning my stove and countertops when I've seen her cleaning with a dirty rag, I admit because of the younger grandchild and vegan daughter at Times I may have looked annoyed by her grease splattering meat cooking, alarms set offs and washed dishes with food particles her eyes failed to see. I've tried my best but I'm wondering if Ive chased my mother out and she secretly holding resentment towards me. I've asked her if she says no, told me she never promised me she would stay with me forever when she came here. I voiced my feelings and concerns but she's made up her mind. My mom is mobile she still locally (street) drives. Shes Spanish-speaking set in your ways. And at times very talkative which has caused me to cut her short when I'm on my way to work, I wonder again if she's leaving because of me. I post this because I want to know if I am the only one suffering from guilt when they're aging parent wants to leave.


Gosh, at 73 your Mother is still young by today's standards. She needs to be out on her own. So I doubt it is really you. Mom wants her independence. Curious, why did she move in with your family in the first place? Or is this a cultural thing?

As for babysitting, unless at 73 she feels and can get around like a 53 year old. If so, good for her. The job will make her feel useful again :)

Let her go, and tell her the door is always open if she should decide to move back in.
Oh boy,,, she has had several driving accidents (what about the children), can;t manage her own meds and has depression? Who will be babysitting whom? She sets off alarms while cooking and her food prep hygene is iffy? She has mood swings,, children are sort of moody too... I sure would not really want her in charge of my children and house while I was at work! And as a Live in caregiver, she won;t have much down time to regroup or watch TV.. no matter how nice her room/area is she will still be part of the household, and watching the children while the parents are at work, and maybe going out in the evenings. The thought makes me tired, and I am much younger than your mother. I agree she is not "that old",, but children are energy drains even for young parents. Could she find something else to do that was less stress. Plus we read all the time about caregivers who take deals like this.. do the math and $200 a month is not very much. At her age she probably has medical copays, car insurance if she is still driving,, and some food needs of her own (like snacks) Plus the fact that you have never met the friend makes me nervous, and if she only speaks Spanish she may become more isolated. If she does this, keep a close eye on things! And good luck
I am seriously concerned about the children she will be babysitting. Based on what you have said about her, she doesn't sound like she's able to take care of herself well, nevermind other people. I would talk to the friend to make sure she knows your mom's limitations. Your mom clearly isn't too concerned.

You'd feel even worse if she made food for the children and with her grease splattering, managed to burn down their house because she couldn't see the fire initially. I'm far less concerned about your relationship (sorry) than the possible safety concerns of her watching children.

And as a side note, I think you're being far too hard on yourself. It sounds like you've tried to do what you could for your mom.
Issie, never mind your guilt. That's really not the issue here; and besides there are practical concerns that need sorting out first.

Your mother is planning to move to a household you know nothing about, where she will help with babysitting, be paid $200 per month (which even including room and board is really only a courtesy, pocket-money), and live with this other family. Well, now.

Your mother is a free agent. If she wants a new purpose in life, money of her own, more independence, that's fine, it's even admirable. Good for her! But it's hardly unreasonable for you to want to know more about it, and more about the people she's going to be committing herself to, and for how long? What's the plan?

Talk to her about it. Find out what the main attraction is, and whether this particular option is going to work out well for everyone. Stop worrying about whether you have "driven your mother out" of your home (I doubt it. Would she hang around for seven years if that were really the point?). Use this as an opportunity to figure out *along with her* what is lacking in her life and how it might be put right.

I wouldn't suggest going behind her back at all; but it would also be only responsible to find out what the babysitting part of this deal entails, and whether that's realistic. If the children are, say, 7-12 years old and just need someone to be there after school until their parents get home, meet them off the school bus, supervise their supper and so on; then sure, maybe that would work. But if they're younger or there is driving involved... maybe a bit of a rethink is needed.

Get her to talk, and ideally get her to introduce you to the friend. You couldn't stop her going even if you wanted to, but that doesn't mean you can't discuss your mother's whole situation with her and help her find the best way forward. Just make sure she knows you're on her side.
Your concerns are valid, that is why they were "secret plans".
Oh, find out how old are the children that your Mom will be babysitting. If they are 8 and 10, that may be ok. If the children are toddlers, well that's a whole different issue.
I found out the child is two years old her work hours would be from 4 PM to midnight Monday through Friday. I've told her that I'm gonna support her plans and that she can come and stay with me on the weekends if she wants to. In her absence I'm going to remodel her bedroom and give her a clean cute remodeled bedroom. I think that's what she's may be missing plus as one of you said it's normal that she wants her independence. In 7 years with me she has repetitively turned down My offers to fix up or remodel her bedroom. I noticed early on after her move here that she had become a bit pack ratty and left herself with lil walking space in her room. Ive worried tremendously over her safety and ours due to the fire hazard it poses. But after a few attempts to hint at it I learned to leave her alone for the sake of not offending her style or ways. Mom is stubborn and set in her ways and has become hurt in the past with my opinions, ideas, and offers. So to keep my sanity and the peace I try not to walk into her bedroom so I don't stare at all her accumulation of things, ladder and even bunk beds with moms sleeping on top was the most scary thing she did to me last year. I couldnt stop her grand idea to buy bunkbeds nor the make old friend she hired to help her put them together. Her falling and break her hip was a huge concern To me but moms would hear me out she instead got offended with me. Mind you my moms is a 4'10" round lil lady so it's occasionally scary if I put my mind to it. Yesterday Me and my husband took her out to breakfasts and we let her know that We support her plans and look forward to meeting her friend sandy. I've also let her know she can come home on the weekends in case she gets shadowed by an attached energetic toddler on her down time. What I've decided to do is to finally remodel That bedroom  so she can feel comfortable staying in on the weekends or as she chooses. I think that in no time her friend sandy and her daughter (mother of child) may grow some concerns, or my mother will become tired of babysitting or her services may not be needed after a while. If her friend is working in a warehouse at 73 yrs old with her daughter at some point it's gonna end. I learned all this during breakfast with her and my fears shrank. I so appreciate the replies from everyone one of you, I feel so empowered and encouraged and not at all guilty any more, as one of you pointed out to me she would of never stayed here seven years if there was something I was doing wrong. I'll keep you all posted

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