This is not something I’m eager for or about but when is the right time? My grandmother has dementia, she’s somewhere in the middle stages and it’s been a truly confusing, upsetting journey for my mom and I who are her unofficial caretakers. At the beginning of the year she was having constant falls & would forget about them or dismiss them. fortunately that has stopped. She has incontinence issues. She cannot walk much and moves from her bed to her living room recliner and that’s most of her activity. She cannot wash her own clothes, she showers using a seat but needs help getting in and out and to the bathroom. She no longer cooks or can feed herself. She either forgets to eat or that she has already eaten. She cannot clean after herself or her house. She does not understand any of her financial matters. She would not take her prescribed medication if not given to her by me or my mom, and my mom is her medical proxy.
We have meddling family that there have been issues with. When she sees them she is very performative and they don’t see what we handle on a daily basis ( we live with her in her home) we feed her, help her get clean, clean after her, give her all her medications and deal with all her health issues. We feel that her doctor doesn’t see how much she has declined because how can you get all of that in a 20 minute dr visit. But she unfortunately and sadly cannot live by herself or deal w her own affairs confidently. We don’t want family that hasn’t taken care of her for nearly 2 years to come and disrupt the work we’ve done with her. We don’t feel she’s mentally stable to deal w things medically or financially and she also speaks no english and many of the facilities we visit either have weak translators or none at all. When is the right time to get her declared incompetent? We don’t want to do it prematurely but we also don’t want to wait around if it’s something we should do. if it does sound like the right time. Where do we start? How complicated is it in the state of California? and any advice would be immensely appreciated
a very stressed but willing caretaker