My father has been my rock my whole life. So when we found out he was diagnosed with dementia it hit me pretty hard. But he chose to live on his own in another state prior to diagnosis. It wasn't 100% clear to him if he was when he first told me as he was all over the place with his stories (paranoria about odd & ends). Most things he talked about didn't make any sense. And I could not receive confirmation from his doctor (at the time). He was homeless and had just received an apartment he paid very little for. After being there a couple of years his condition was worsening and was being evicted for non-payment (it was explained as such but really his casemanager lied so I wouldn't find out he was scaring the neighbors). She harrassed me every other day even after I explained time & time again I had no way to get down there or back and no room to place him. And I have a small family of my own that I can't leave unattended. After several months my husband was able to take a small break from work and retrieve Dad. We have had him almost 3 years now and he has gotten worse in his outbursts. Tries to not eat (usually just dinner but sometimes all meals). Among other things as well. I have told his doctors here but they haven't been much of any help. I get refferred and refferred but nothing sticks. I have been literally passing the ball from one place who passes it to another whom passes it back. Some have good intentions and it's understandable but I need help. The way I understand it is in my state medicaid doesn't pay enough for him to go into a nursing home. That he would need help from a program which is volunteer only (and I understand the reasoning). When we met with the social for this program he turned into this super ugly stubborn being who claimed they needed NO ONE but their pills. It was like nothing I'd ever seen before. She offered advise on getting him seen by geriatics but i can't even get him seen by one unless I call an ambulence out and risk traumatizing Dad and/or my children.

Through all of this the last year has been hell and now my husband is throwing the ultimatium of either I get Dad out of his house or he will leave!I understand the why but still.MY HANDS feel tied.Everything I was told to do has never worked the way it was explained to me.All dead ends so how am I supposed to fix this mess?All I wanted to do was follow Dad's example(he took care of both his dad & mom who had alz).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

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So sorry your family is going through this stress. Clarity in these situations are important, so here is some for you: your first commitment is to your immediate family: husband and kids. There is no compromise in this.

I admire you wanting to follow what you believe to be a worthy example of your dad taking care of his parents, but this is a different time and place and circumstances. Your dad needs more help than you can give him.

At similar postings I have seen RN's mention "Baker Act" and to tell the hospital releasing him that he would be an "unsafe discharge" and that you should just keep firm in that you can't take him in. They will exert a lot of pressure but keep saying "unsafe discharge". They will find a safe place for him where he'll get care. You can visit him and carry on your relationship, and you will have peace and harmony in your family. Please read the thousands of posts on this forum alone about loving caregivers of formerly loving parents who have completely burned out. These are real stories from real people. Please heed the wisdom of those who have gone before you and nearly destroyed their lives trying to do the not-doable. I wish you peace in your heart for this journey.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Geaton777

I am very sorry your Dad has Alzheimer’s and that you are going through this. I agree with the others comments. The hospital will find placement for your Dad but you must not waiver and you must say with 100% certainty that you cannot take him back to your home. They will offer all kinds of inhome care to try and convince you to change your mind. Stay strong and say no as not safe for your children. You are still caring for your Dad and are a good daughter, realize that. Caring for him does not need to be in your home. You can visit him once he is placed where he can get the help that he needs. Maybe have your husband take the kids out when you call the ambulance as to not traumatize them and keep it calm for your Dad as well. Best of luck. This is a horrible disease and everyone in the family suffers. Sending you a hug.
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Reply to Sweetstuff

Agree 100% with mstrbill.....let the ambulance take him in and under no circumstances take him back to your home....stay strong....
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Reply to cherokeegrrl54

My advice would be to call the ambulance the next time Dad behaves even somewhat scary. Take them up on that advice on having him seen by geriatrics. Once he is in the hospital you need to meet with the case manager and social worker and let them know you are unable to safely care for him at home. You need to be somewhat adamant about that. And steadfast and strong. They need to find proper placement for him.
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Reply to mstrbill

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