I only posted about this a few days ago, and in those few days brought on a lot of sleepless nights. For context on how my mother treats me, I recommend reading my other posts. The studio I wanted turned out to be a dangerous place to live. To afford a safer place, I would need to double-job on top of my classes in the clinical field. I could do that, but I cannot balance that with caring for my mother. She needs to be fed, bathed, and have her home cleaned. I just simply would not have the time, especially because my current job is already a 40-hour work week. Slap on some more hours and I truly wouldn’t have any time, she recognizes that too. Yet, she still refuses a caregiver. And she tells me I’m not doing enough to care for her. If I want to put my education first, I can live with my fiancé, who unfortunately lives 3 states away. That would leave my mother on her own, and that’s already caused a lot of me getting yelled at by my father (who has been divorced from her for 13 years) and my brother (who never helped me or mom and moved a state away with his wife). It’s starting to grow a lot of resentment towards my entire family - they don’t want to take responsibility if something happens to her so they leave me, the youngest, to fend for myself against her toxic behavior towards me. My dad doesn’t have to care, but my brother could easily help her. He’s a full time student but his wife is the breadwinner and he gets paid to go to school, he doesn’t even have to work. He’s never had to care for mom like I have. She needs care, there’s no doubt about it. She could not live on her own. But I can’t keep up with the abuse and I cannot keep living under her roof until I’m too old to start my life. I think my best course of action is to pick up and move in with my fiancé so that she’ll truly see that she needs to seek professional assistance. I’ve also offered for her to move up with me and my fiancé, but we’d get her her own place. She doesn’t want to have to deal with the transition. I’m sure it sounds awful that I want to move states away, but I’m screwed on options. Is there anything else I can do?
Keep us updated on how things go.
"I will! My credits transfer to the college in my Fiancé’s state easily, though I would have to pursue a bachelor’s instead of an associate’s, which honestly sounds like a better deal. On top of that, my credentials if I graduate there would allow me to work in many other states, as opposed to the credential I would receive here where it only applies to my current state.
I called APS today. Got a case filed on my mom for Elderly Self-Neglect. Im a bit crunched for time though, my fiancé is flying down next Friday to help bring my stuff up to his place. I’m sure that won’t be enough time.
The reason for that is because I initially planned to move out in the middle of January. We bought his ticket then and there, and that’s when my brother and father pushed me to show proof that I searched for ways to stay near my mom. I spent WEEKS doing that, and to no avail. Today they gave up on trying to force me to stay. I’m hoping I can continue pursing this case if I’m already out of the state."
Good on you, Julia94!
But, what is there to pursue about your Mom's case? Let your Dad and brother worry about it, or your Mom's legal guardian that she might be assigned. You need to completely let go or you will get sucked back in little by little. You need to focus 100% on your life now. Stop thinking that she needs you to be her solution. You are not. She has other solutions, you just need to accept them as such.
I have one word: Go!
As for your mother, she is not in any shape or form to make any life's decisions for you, and she cannot make you stay.
This reminds me of my alcoholic Mother and her constant bad behavior. Yep, Mom knows you've had it. She tried to stop you and her manipulation isn't working anymore. Too damn bad.
You totally deserve to be happy after what you have tolerated. Enough of being a free slave.
Best of luck with your move and new life! Stay strong!
Your mother is toxic; it's a great step that you recognize that. She does not care about you, because she doesn't care about anyone but herself. Not your fault, that's on her, but it's the truth. She has other options for her care, but chooses not to enlist them because she can bully you. You owe her nothing. A normal non-toxic mother would want you to be independent from her and live a happy life. So go do that.
The same could be said for your father. He should be wanting independence and a happy adult life for you. He is also a bully who doesn't care about you.
I'm sorry you got stuck with these parents, but you don't have to waste any more of your time with them. Make the plans to move to where your fiance is, block their numbers from your phone, and don't look back.
Your brother has no obligation to help. Clearly he recognized that she is toxic and decided to escape that and build an independent adult life with his significant other. Time for you to do the same.
Why are you making your fiance wait for you to start your life together? Are you thinking he should wait around until your mother dies for you to be free? What is the goal in delaying? How long do you expect him to wait for you? Look around at your friends your age. Are they all putting off their lives and relationships until their parents die? No, they aren't, and neither should you.
And absolutely DO NOT move your mother with you!!! Why should you ruin your fiance's life with her toxicity, as well as continuing the toxicity in your own?
Please stop enabling this toxicity. Move to your fiance's city, and start building a good life with him. (And even if the relationship doesn't last, you can still have a great life on your own.)
After you leave, things might get worse and mom and the family may decide to take you up on your offer and have mom move to you, don't do it! The offer was sweet at the time but it was a one time deal. It will just be the same situation, mom needs help and you can't satisfy her!
It's not all that bad to disown family members that don't care about you, it makes life easier. You've got a new life just ahead of you with someone who cares about you. Don't sacrifice your happiness on their accounts. I probably wouldn't even invite them to the wedding just knowing that they could throw a horseshoe into the works. Could you imagine....Oh,BTW, Moms ticket was only a one way?
If you're POA, I'd get myself removed from the legalities. This is not your fault and not your problem.
God bless your heart and marriage!
Another thing is that unless folks are paying your bills they don’t get to tell you what you “should” do especially if they’re not stepping up to the plate as well. As a working adult you get to decide how to live your life. Don’t waste it on people who don’t appreciate you. If your dad is so concerned let him do the caregiving! This sounds like a situation where a few states away is a good thing and maybe low or no contact. In my experience and that of others I know family like that doesn’t get better and I’d rather build a functional family of my own or be ALONE! There are no laws that require you to put up with people treating you badly just because you share blood. Better to build a chosen family with your fiancée and others who will appreciate you for the wonderful, caring person you obviously are.
Good luck and make your decision with your best interests in mind. It’s nice to consider others but this is YOUR life. Sounds like you have the possibility of a great life ahead of you!
Linda
Did your Mom sacrifice her life to take care of her parents? I'm guessing not. Yet she expects you to do the same. Same for the other judgers.
You can look into Section 8 housing (govt subsidized). You can join Nextdoor.com and look for a room in a house or a basement apartment, etc. I see these ISOs on Nextdoor all the time. My son rented 1 bedroom in a 2 bdrm condo in Chicago from a decent guy who wasn't there most the time. I know you're working hard to find solutions. You'll find it if you keep at it. Don't give up -- it will be worth it once you're free.
Mostly you need to deal with accepting that you can't fix your Mom's life or situation. If you step completely away and allow the county to deal with her, this is really the only thing you can do. And, maybe (just maybe) other family members might step up to take up the slack when they see you vacate. Yup, they'll be angry for a while but then they'll have empathy for you, and probably even respect.
"I’ve also offered for her to move up with me and my fiancée..."
Oh heck no. Never. No.
"IS there anything else I can do?"
Yes, see a therapist so you can work on your boundaries and decision-making. I mean that respectfully, since you seem paralyzed right now. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart as you move onward and upward.
Maybe you should rethink if you even want to be a part of this family. It sounds toxic. You can pack your bags and just go live with your fiancé and not look back. .Call APS before you do.
You owe your mom NOTHING. As is NOTHING!!! If she cannot care for herself then she'll have to go into a skilled nursing facility.
As long as you continue to enable her and be her only solution things will NEVER change.
If your mom truly loved you she would NOT want you to ever give up your life for hers.
So start packing your bags today, and move where is best for now and call APS on your way out the door reporting a vulnerable adult living by themselves and let then take over your moms care.
You only get one life. Your mother doesn't own it. You do.
I called APS today. Got a case filed on my mom for Elderly Self-Neglect. Im a bit crunched for time though, my fiancé is flying down next Friday to help bring my stuff up to his place. I’m sure that won’t be enough time.
The reason for that is because I initially planned to move out in the middle of January. We bought his ticket then and there, and that’s when my brother and father pushed me to show proof that I searched for ways to stay near my mom. I spent WEEKS doing that, and to no avail. Today they gave up on trying to force me to stay. I’m hoping I can continue pursing this case if I’m already out of the state.
Then let your selfish family know, you are burned out and have done more than your share caregiving Mom. Give them all a target date (like March 1st) and start packing!! Mom will have a fit, but too bad. The selfish family will have a fit, and TOO BAD. Mom will have to hire home help, or move into a facility. DO NOT have Mom move NEAR you when you leave! She can move into Assisted Living and be safe, clean and fed. She is NOT your responsibility. APS will get a social worker and figure out what to do with Mom.
You do not sound awful, you sound like an adult who has realized what you are dealing with is impossible and too stressful, so you must get out of the situation. Your Mom needs professionals taking care of her, and you need to have a happy and productive life. You have sacrificed enough and time to get out!
Stay strong, don't cave to Mom. She may start begging for you to stay, promise she will change, but don't believe it. She will never appreciate your efforts, and has had her life. Now time to live YOURS, free from abuse and caregiver slavery.
Focus on your future and career, be with someone who loves you, not abuses you.
YOU GOT THIS!
Mom and I had a talk tonight that turned into an argument, and pushed me to say things I would normally never say if I was in a calmer position. I told her directly, “I want to get away from you”, after hours of going in circles about, “you did this, so I did that.” She justified some things she did to me that still hurt me to this day.
Can you imagine being discharged from a life-saving surgery just for your mother to ask you to bring cigarettes on your way back home? Her excuse was, “well I’m bedridden and that’s my only vice.”
She called me a b**** and got physical with me when her health was a bit better back when I was 19. Her excuse? “You mouthed off to me”, and this was over her losing makeup brushes and accusing me of stealing them, so of course I said “I didn’t take your f***ing brushes.” Did that really justify almost choking me?
She refuses to realize that I have internalized years of this behavior. She says, “my baby girl is abandoning me”, well my loving mother left me long before her health declined.
Sorry for the rant, I needed to say this to someone so badly. I will be starting my life. I hope that this distance will make her realize she needs help and she can’t control me to get her way.