Thoughts on lying to a parent suffering from dementia?

FYI: For those of us who are religous we have strong, ingrained prohibitions about lying but there are also very clear exceptions to those rules. In cases such as this, to save the peace and sanctity of the home as well as for your mother's safety, it is incumbent upon you to say what will best support your parent's health and well-being. Don't feel guilty about helping Dad take care of Mom in this way. Just do it with all the love you have for both of them.

My mother also taught us not lie. But my mother's reality changed from the normal adult interactions where lying is a form of harm. In her mind, some of these past relationships were her reality as she was experiencing it, were her truths at that time. So I don't think "lies" is an accurate or fair label for statements that provided comfort and a sense of security to her. I'm not suggesting to say whatever is convenient at the moment. I am saying that kind and caring words that met her in her grasp of reality at the time, while not objectively true, were not attempts to deceive. Would you tell a four year old child that Santa doesn't really exist in the name of truth?

My mom is in an earlier stage of dementia.   Some days she asks for "little Dave" -- my younger brother who is 63.  On her more lucid days, I explain that little Dave is just in her memories.   But the time will come when I have to say he is at a friends.

FIB-lets, that’s my word .. I had to think long and hard about why I needed my husband to know he wasn’t correct in his thinking .. With a lot of reading and a very good caretakers meeting , I have come to realize that it was “ MY “ issue, not his. His brain is in the process of slowly breaking . His reality has altered. For me, the bottom line has become, exactly “HOW IMPORTANT IS IT . ? “ My frustration has subsided a great deal with using FIB-let’s . It Is less stressful on both of us. When the question arose the other day about the house we live in and who owns it and do we pay rent ?, He was amazed to know we own the house and we have lived in it for 13 years .. There was no frustration at all . I asked him if he liked it ?

Please don't think of these necessary untruths as lies. Your mother taught you not to lie because it's harmful to others, or a way to gain something. These fibs we tell our loved ones with dementia bring comfort, not harm. Anything we can do to relieve their agitation is a gift.
Gold luck to you all.

Fib away but I want to share a little tip with you your mom thinks her and her John are much younger so to her your dad is too old to be here husband. But if he hides behind something and just talks to her she will recognize his voice as long as she does not see his face. This is so very hard for him I know he could just hide and say hunny I’m running to the store be back in a hour etc. or hunny I’m in the restroom why are you so upset. God bless you all!

Who does your mother think your father is during these episodes?

It's called a therapeutic fib and is an accepted way to help a loved one with dementia remain calm, and that is a good thing for her as well as you. If you can't bear to tell a bold faced "lie" then practice ways you can bend the truth - you might have said " gee, you know it takes him a long time to run errands but I'm sure you'll see him soon"..... perfectly true, right? Distract, redirect and as much as possible try to see the world from her reality, she's more apt to distrust you if you keep insisting that what she "knows" to be true is wrong.

You have never altered the truth to avoid hurting someone?

This is the same only you are altering the truth to help your mom.

You didn't see dad, but you spoke with him, so you know he is around and he is going to be there later, you just left out the fact that he is there now. What possible harm could come from helping to calm her and reassure her that she is safe and loved and her man hasn't left her?

This is so different than lying, it is hard for all of us at 1st. It does make us question our integrity, but you are not saying anything wrong or hurtful. Be gentle with everyone right now, including yourself, this is a daily learning and adjusting process.

"Lying" is a situation all caregivers to someone with AD must come to grips with. You can try to reason with her... it'll do no good. Your dad is right. Reality changes in some with AD, and your mom's reality is that John has left, so buy into it and suggest that he'll be back.

You say you rarely lie. Well, make this one of those rare occasions. It won't be the last time.

Sometimes you have to. Mom is currently hospitalized. Yesterday I had her plumbing fixed (she ignored and refused to fix it), and I'm having the house cleaned tomorrow. Also her kitchen and bath painted. She had already picked colors and told me who she wanted to do it. The plumbing she will never notice. Nor the clean house. I am going to tell her I paid for the painting (with her money, which is not scarce). Hoping to squeak in a carpet cleaning too. If she were in her right mind she would not hesitate to do any of this. Lying when necessary to keep our loved ones calm and content is unavoidable. POA in this instance is a godsend!

Make your comments truthful and they will be easier for you. “I spoke to dad earlier. He will be home today.”
or “Dad will be right back”.
You are speaking to soothe and comfort her. Like a beautiful song or poem or lullaby. You are allowing her to envision a scenario that brings her peace. A lie is meant to deceive for your gain. It’s not your gain, it’s hers. Think of her as being blind. She is blind in a way. She can’t recognize him now but she can envision him in her heart with your assurance that he has not left her. That he is near by. Write some replies down so that they come easily to you. Or you can use the same one over and over as she will not mind. When you know you are bringing her comfort it will enable you to speak with love and not feel conflicted. That’s what she will trust, the love.

NOT A LIE, and not a time that will benefit your mother’s welfare or yours, to speak a “truth” that causes her discomfort.
Lucky you, that your dad has the wisdom to encourage you to do exactly what she needs. He must love her, and you, SO DEARLY.

Set aside how YOU FEEL if this causes you discomfort, but even better, allow yourself the comfort of knowing that she taught you well as a child, and that you are now able to free her from the anxiety that torments her.

In her dementia, she will react as her damaged perception of reality compels her to do. If at some point she appears to “mistrust? You, it will NOT be because of her past experiences with you, as you are now. Her tragic behavior Is very common to sufferers of dementia. Many of us have observed it in our own dear ones.

Please be good to yourself.

Oh my, you and your dad are in quite a fix. What is your goal? Telling the truth (what about Santa and the Easter Bunny?) or helping your mother cope with a life that is shutting down cognitively?
You probably were also taught not to speed. But if your mom was bleeding and in need of urgent care, would you drive over the speed limit? Of course you would --and should.
Don't you think your dad has also been dealing with goals vs. reality? Actuallly it is a very kind thing to help your mom sort out confusing situations. Give her a big hug when you tell her.

Please don't apply YOUR rules of logic or 'morals' to a disease that your mother is suffering from. Otherwise, everybody loses. Use common sense and 'lie' to your mother as often as necessary to keep her as calm as humanly possible. To do anything else is what should make you feel 'horrible' or to make you question your morals. Chuck everything you know & have learned right out the window now and focus on learning all you can about Alzheimer's and dementia by reading and watching Teepa Snow videos. THAT is the best thing you can do for your dear mom.

Good luck!

Don't think of this as lying, think of it as entering into her world. In her world things are different. My grandmother lived far out in the country and had reverted her understanding of the world life as it was like when she was young. She had forgotten there were cars (she was blind) and so when I would visit she would ask which horse I'd ridden over, or, if I had my children with me would ask if I'd brought them in the wagon so they could sleep on the way home. I would answer appropriately - "I rode Blackie because she's my favorite" or "I have the wagon all set up with quilts for the ride home". We would chat about family and friends, living and dead, if they had just been to see her because in her world they'd visited just a few days ago. It comforted her. Nothing about making her part of the current world would have been worth her distress. Being part of her world was a blessing.