How do you talk to Dad (82) about soiling accidents and cleaning himself after one happens?

"Not for lack of love, but more an acceptance of personal limitations." Well said Drummergirl! I often wonder where my personal limitations will be. Much like dirtydemensia01, I think it might be when he "starts throwing sh*t at me." Never thought I'd be dealing with this at the at of 61, with my husband who is 62. Hate this disease (Lewy Body Demenia AND early onset) more than I can express!!!

I'm sorry to hear that, tooyoung. I can't imagine how it must be caring for your husband under those circumstances. Thank you though.

It's difficult enough trying to stay on top of things as they occur and attempt at keeping life as balanced as possible. What a complicated situation to anticipate, and it just isn't as simple as "having finances in order" et al. Being DPOA, health care proxy and a loving daughter (with an unfailingly supportive husband) has already presented many challenges (and yes, rewards), but fortunately things are still very manageable in the grooming/hygiene department.

I have found that worrying myself needlessly about what the future may bring introduces unproductive worry, but it has also enabled me to realize just what I most likely can and cannot withstand in my home environment. I've been pretty resilient so far, give or take a crying spell or two. However, the 24/7 aspect of that sort of care is out of my scope. It isn't easy admitting to this in a forum of outstanding caregivers who have dealt with so much more, though.

Drummergirl, I suppose you don't know if you can do it until it happens? Truthfully, I didn't know if I could. But then came the stroke and Dad had died. What helps me is that she's my Mom -- and my best friend. I think of the times when she had to clean up after me or one of her other children when we were sick or couldn't clean up after ourselves. I'll bet she wasn't thrilled to clean up the dirty diapers of 5 children -- and there weren't disposable ones then! :-) When we got sick to our stomachs or wet the bed, she'd just do it. Oh, I may gag at times, but I think of all the times she'd clean up after us. But it's a good time for you to think of it and make plans before things worsen.

It's nice to hear when people say they are taking care of someone they feel is like a "best friend". I am taking care of a woman that was so opinionated with cutting remarks her whole life, no one else in the family, including her siblings, wanted anything to do with her. I, for some reason, as a kid, I was always intrigued by her, the hippie teacher that she was. I did, though, as I matured, learn to deal with her insults to my family members. I shut her down at all points when she would bring up, say, my father, or say something nasty about my mother, her sister. No, there is no love fest going on here. I DO love my aunt, I am not in love with her. She is fortunate that I have chosen to save her from herself. Yes, she gives me her SS, $1K per month. By God, I deserve it! How's that for admitting some personal stuff? D*mn it, it feels good to have someone who is there at it, listening to me. Thank you, God, for this forum. Amen. In fact, I'm near Tarpon Springs, Florida if anyone would like to do lunch!

What's funny, too, is I know darned well my aunt would NEVER have adjusted her life to take care of HER mother when she became dependent. No, MY mother, the youngest of her four siblings did, with seven of us kids still at home. So, you see the track record of a selfish life lead by my aunt. She rarely came to visit any of us. When she did, my dad couldn't stand it! Those days are gone now and she's just as nice as nice can be. Funny, her neighbor where she lived for years told me when I flew there to get her, "She used to yell at us all of the time about us not parking our cars in front of her house and this and that. It seems since she got D, she's forgotten she doesn't like us and now she's really nice!' Weird. I'm lucky to have it that way and not the other way around as a lot of you do. I'm praying for everyone that has a not so pleasant elder!! This D is like H*ll on Earth.

Moms66angel, I suppose you could be right. But there's a lot to be said about following your gut. Yes, my parents both cleaned up after me; I'll always be grateful for that. However, we're talking about something like childhood, a finite period of time during which such things would eventually cease under normal circumstances.

Doing the same for a grown adult for an interminable amount of time, with a full-time job and obligations of my own, is not something I signed up for, as parents do when they decide to have children.

Of course, I would see to it that Dad would receive the best care possible, even if it isn't rendered by me personally.

Those of you who said that the parent sits up straight on the edge of the chair then relaxes back after the "deed is done" might try calling the elder on this one. When (s)he sits up and assumes that posture, say something like don't you think it's time to visit the bathroom. I'm lucky, my mother does have accidents, but at this point they are really accidents sounds like those who sit up straight and poop are doing it on purpose.
we caregivers have enough on us without a parent/loved one making it harder.

Incontinence is not "having accidents". Incontinence is a losing of the ability to have the sensation of having to eliminate on the toilet and/or losing the muscle function to control the flow, so to speak. If a person is sitting up, in a chair and eliminating right there, I wonder if he/she thinks they are on the toilet.

Matt383- thanks for mentioning the BioBidet- saved me a bit of research. Also some people don't know about this- there is an inexpensive wand that holds (and then releases) toilet tissue for people struggling with reach issues. May be a solution for some people but the BioBidet could be a mini-shower in regards to smells, hand contamination, embarrassment, etc.

Some of things my mom did makeme laugh. One day she had to go to bathroom we put her in her potty chair rolling her across floor to bath rm. She didn't make it ,poop mess everywhere I stepped right into it..My 90 yr old Mother couldn't stop laughing. .one day I was pushing her in her wheel chair ran accidentally into large circle of cloths flipped her out onto the middle of rack & then I fell on top of her I was laughing so hard .I accidentally peed my pants on her..She said get off of me. You peed on me!! Then she said to me your going to smash me! I weighed 248lbs mom weight 110 lbs After that she didn't trust me anymore..I would give anything just to be with her again. I have lots of funny stories to tell about mom..

Found another bidet manufacturer besides the Bio-Bidet. You can check out brondell for more choices.

I cared for my mom for three years in my home. She did not have dementia. She came to live with me with many health issues and she was incontinent as well. I put her on a schedule and took her to the bathroom regularly. She'd tell me she didn't have to go but I asked her to try anyway and also used the excuse that it was good to walk a little after sitting for a while. She got to the point where only rarely had an accident. The doctor told me the bladder can be trained and that seems to be what we were able to accomplish by this regular routine of trips to the bathroom. So much easier to help her to the bathroom than clean up messes.

Has he been on antibiotics lately? My husband had fecal incontinence, turned out to be C-diff from the antibiotics. Again, recently, it was sterile diarrhea from the antibiotics. Doctor put him on a round of Flagyl (and probiotics for the first one) and that took care of it. So far he's cleaning up the area pretty well, but I have to remind him about cleaning himself up well. I keep the antibacterial wipes handy for this, also to prevent UTI's for myself, but have to remind him not to flush them, as we have a septic tank.

It sounds as though he has dementia, and in my experience, Dad doesn't realize what is happening and probably thinks he's doing okay with cleaning up. It certainly isn't pleasant for you but he is probably doing the best he can. I hope you have a copy of the poem, "don't ask me to remember" . It makes life so much easier for both the caregiver and the patient. God bless you both.

time to hire caregivers if that becomes regular and you feel if it's too much work for you.

Ive had several talks with my 84 year old Dad. I always just blurt out whatever needs to be said. My Dad has a catheter in right now, so peeing isnt the problem, but yesterday he made a doozy of a mess, and i still cant figure out how he managed it. The bathroom was unsoiled, but the trail of destruction started just outside the bathroom door.... I found what appeared to be mud, on this walker ski, (i wish it had been mud), tracked through my parents bedroom, down the hall, out on the front porch, (to get the paper), and across the kitchen floor, ending at his recliner. There were a couple "chunks" in the bedroom.... I still dont know how he managed to poop on the floor, and then drag his walker through it...
The worst part is that home health care nursing was coming and i couldn't get him to the shower, before they got here, or until i cleaned up the trail. His attitude and answer when i asked "what's up with the trail of nasty Dad?" Was kind of smug, and "it was dark, i couldn't see". Dad gets up when he wakes up, sometimes 2 AM, rarely as late as 8.
I have basically moved in with my parents, and because he fell recently, im sleeping in the livingroom so i can hear his morning travels, (i also got him a whistle)....

The poop thing is frustrating, i can only assume he pooped his pants. Its happened a couple times, (this was the first time for the trail). He NEVER says anything, so you find it all by accident. I get so tired of one way conversations. He has not been cleaning himself well, and im wondering if hes wiping at all. I got him some wipes, and broke it down for him, on how to wipe, look, and continue this process until its clean.
I pray for all of you dealing with similar situations.... I use a lot of laughter to get through it... And wine... Theres always wine!