Spend it now or hold off in case we need it?

I missed how old your mom is and what her health issues are, but I strongly recommend hiring (a responsible and vetted) caregiver if it is a financial possibility. We've been 27/7 with my MIL for 5 1/2 years now (she's 93). If we'd had an inkling of the toll this kind of situation would take on our bodies and souls, we would have arranged for respite much, much sooner. Actually, I lobbied for it YEARS ago, but it wasn't until I changed jobs for one out of the house (thank the maker) and my husband was primary caregiver for his mom, that he really got on board with getting help. Quite simply, we waited too long. Relationships with my own parents, our friends, and our children have suffered. The personalities and dynamics in your family may be quite different, but for us too much "togetherness" hasn't fostered affection.

We had those same questions when both my parents needed extra care. We met with an elder lawyer who had several ways of conserving their money. They are expensive but worth it.

You'll need it !!!

this is a continuation of my earlier response. I'm an RN who worked Geri Psych so caring for my parents was like taking my job home with me. both parents have mobility issues, and my father has several medical issues and having the caregivers in home has made all the difference because I would either have to take them with me everytime I left the house for my own appointments and even in the best relationships, people need some time for themselves. My parents no longer drive so having someone other than me drive them places helps all of us. I do have one question: what happens to couples who go into Assisted Living together out of state? Especially when all their assets are used up?

are your caregivers through an agency?

This lady is too far gone for Asst Living--sorry I missed that part. So you need to find skilled nursing care, AND you need to set up a Trust or Medicaid annuity that Gabriel Heiser's book talks about. I do not think all the caregivers you're paying are costing less than a nursing home, in our area they cost $25/hr low end to $30/hr average. Maybe you have found minimum hourly wage workers--but what will happen if one of them breaks their back assisting mom, and sues you? All of a sudden you'll have lawyer defense bills and may lose most of mom's nest egg. Think carefully about the risks of home caregiving for someone who really is nursing home material.

I do not believe assisted living qualifies for Medicaid, but am not sure. You may want to contact a caseworker at your county social services office and ask some questions. I have found them to be cooperative and helpful. I have found it best to go on a Wednesday, about ten AM or 2 pm...Mondays and Fridays are jam packed.

If the money will last 9-10 years, you should consider placing half of her money into an irrevocable Medicaid trust for her benefit (income only). That way, after 5 years, should she need Medicaid assistance, the half you put into the trust will not disqualify her and can be used to supplement what Medicaid will not pay for. The alternative is of course to do nothing and spend it all down to zero; that's your decision, but then there will be nothing left to supplement Medicaid.

If nothing major breaks? You know it WILL as roofs, vehicles are not designed to work FOREVER!

Jude, Mom NEEDS 24/7 care, it isn't just because she is lonely. She cannot walk, cook, drive, be responsible for her medications, etc. I believe that Mom having caregivers on the weekends is a good thing as it gives me time to be with my family and then I am in a better frame of mind when I am with her.

Do I want to be able to do the caregiving 24/7? No I do not. Even if I wasn't working a full time job I wouldn't want to do it. I love my mother, don't get me wrong, but for us to be together 24/7 would drive us BOTH crazy.

My husband is there with me at night and he told me that he would not feel comfortable being alone with her as she cannot go to the bathroom without assistance; in fact, she has to use a potty chair as her bathroom is not accessible for her. We always wondered why Daddy didn't spend the money on making it accessible but I now believe that he was worried about the expense and knowing that one day we would need it for caregivers.

Babalou, my sister and I looked at smaller houses in our area and they would cost more than her current house. She has a very reliable car, in fact a Honda CRV that she can get in and out of very easily right now. As far as assisted living goes, she does not qualify due to her medical conditions so our options are keep her at home or a nursing home. We live in a rural area and we do not have adult day care centers

If you have caregivers in your home , your mom's home~LOCK UP ANYTHING OF VALUE Including her meds.
I am speaking as someone who did home health assessment(I am a R.N.) & placed caregivers in homes.
Out of all the times I had to place caregivers in homes~things were always stolen.
I always felt as if I failed the clients due to this.
That being said~Be wise, be careful & get out as much as you can. Just take precautions.

Effectively spend down while getting to the various thresholds for the programs you are planning on using...such as the VA Aid & Attendance, Medicaid. We found that Senior Day Care was the saving grace option during weekdays for our grams with dementia setting in. It met the same requirements of keeping her safe & busy during the day while being just 1/3 the cost than an in-home caregiver. It was attached to a residential community with nurses available at a moments notice...thus we did not worry as much knowing she was in a safe environment. We tried various in-home caregiving services without much success. For those resistant care receivers that "Don't want to go to a nursing home with all those people doing nothing." ...tell them its their new job to help pay for their medical bills and get the staff to understand the concept. Grams is part of the greatest generation where work must be done at all costs...and work she did...and more work is what she wanted to do...even to this day at the ALF where she now resides.

ADC, Mom needs 24/7 care. She cannot walk, cook, drive, and is wheelchair bound. She cannot be in charge of her own medications as she forgets when to take them. I still work a full time job and the caregivers are there during the day to allow me to continue to work. I am there every night.

As far as low long the funds will last? That is based upon the amount she is spending yearly and how much is in there now. Of course if the market crashes things would change, but so would everyone else's. :O

Traumadoc, what do you mean? If I had a crystal ball and knew how long Mom would live, I would know if I am doing the right thing, but we don't have one.

ArmyRetired, I think part of hubby's issue is that his Mother doesn't have the funds to pay for a caregiver, etc. All her children have said that when she requires 24/7 care she will go to a nursing home.

I'm in a similar situation after my mom broke her hip 11-2-14. Thought the almost round-the-clock care would be temporary but her physical recovery - slow - seems to be merging with her declining mental capabilities, so the combination of mobility issues and dementia is telling me the caregivers will not be going away. Decided to just not think majorly about the money issue in year 1 - she has a sizable savings - but it goes fast! Then I will go from there. I agree with just about all the comments about sanity, etc., especially if you are the only one carrying the load - me! My friend's sister gave me good advice: Your mother saved all her life to be able to pay to be as independent as possible, so use the money. We'll see what happens down the road. I understand hubby's concern - it's a gamble - but I say go for it and see what happens.

Bryan50 Could you post your question separately, you will get more answers. My comment, not all assisted livings accept medicaid and the one's that do may have a waiting list.

Bryan, AL facilities don't usually except Medicaid. Start now looking at them. Meet with the administrator and social worker. Ask if they have a deal with medicaid. The one near me i owned by doctors. You need two years of ur money and because they have an agreement with Medicaid, they may pick up after that. Your communities probably don't except Medicaid either. Usually by the time Medicaid picks up you are in longterm nursing care sharing a room.

Babalou, I like the efficiency apt. idea, with the caregiver and mom's car only if mom can afford the car insurance. There is going to be the need for monitoring regardless of where mom resides.

I think if your Mom has the money, it should be spent on her care. If she wants to stay in her house, then get caregivers if no family can/wants to do it. It's getting harder and harder for us baby boomers to continue to take care of our elderly parents who are living well into their 90's. I mean I'm glad to have both my parents at this state of my life. But it does cause issues...I mean, we are ending up taking care of them much longer than they took care of us! I don't mean that in a mean way!!

Something else to think about; would mom be better off downsizing and moving to an efficiency apartment with a caregiver? This way, there would be no worries about the roof; does she have a reliable car? If not, this is the time to get her one that will last a very long time, aka, a Honda Fit would be my choice, very easy to get in and out of, at least for my mom and lots of room for hauling groceries if the caregiver is using it.

Have you had the assisted living conversation? There is a point where having caregivers nearly round the clock becomes incredibly expensive not to mention taxing on you, doing the management of all the personalities.

In my area, there are lots of Asst Living places, all expensive, and most do not accept Medicaid -- you have to have been living there in that same facility as Private Pay for 2 to 3 years, and then when your money is gone, they will accept Medicaid, BUT (and this is a very big BUT ) , you do NOT get to stay in the same room you had at private pay rates. You get moved to a double, triple or quad, AND only if they have space! If there is no space left in the Medicaid rooms when YOU happen to need it, you are out of luck. Now this does sound very "cruel" to some...but actually it makes sense that those who have paid something, will get something. There are no Medicaid - only Asst Living centers that I know of . My reason for sharing this in response to the original question is, think very carefully about trying to make the money last, at home, expecting to be able to switch to ALF or NH paid by Medicaid with a mere few months......in my experience it just doesn't work that way---You must be private pay for a couple YEARS at the facility. One place (a non-profit with about 12 facilities ) did say, if they don't have room at that exact location, they would help with getting you in as Medicaid pay at one of their other locations -- but if other people are already on the waiting list, you're out of luck. Wait lists are very common at both ALF and NH, and being out of money does not work in your favor. Think about it.

Army retired spot on. Spending a loved ones money is fraught with emotional ties as well as just the financial issues. Sit down and work out her needs and YOUR needs. It actually isn't anything to do with your husband (although I know in real life terms it doesn't seem like that). Assuming she does NEED caregivers (or why would she have them?!!!) then if she can afford to have them and give you time with your family which you clearly feel YOU need (never mind anyone else for now they aren't at the sharp end) by all means hire them.

My thought for the day for you well thoughts plural to be fair
Do you want to do the caregiving? It is PERFECTLY all right to say no I care but I dont want to be a caregiver
Whatever your answer is there has no bearing on the next thought
If I engage another caregiver am I doing so with my mothers best interest at the forefront? If the answer is no I am doing it solely because I want to spend the money down then no you shouldn't engage. If the answeer is yes I need to be sure she is safe if I am not there, then go ahead would be my advice
Codecil on this....I am not a legal eagle nor a financial whizz so if in doubt seek legal advice and feel no guilt about saying I dont want to do this or I dont want to do this until I absolutely have to.
Your other thought for day? have you ever considered making your husband do the care with NO input from outside for a couple of weekends on the trot? He might keep his moouth shut if he does - no offence to hubby but it's damned hard work and incredibly stressful if they dont happen to be the sweetest people that ever roamed gods good earth.

MEDICAID has a 5 year look back on eligibility. I urge everyone to plan plan plan. We learned this the hard way when my mother landed in a nursing home. My Dad had to private pay until my mother was MEDICAID eligible. He was allowed to keep limited assets as the "community spouse." His health is failing now and he stands to lose the rest of his "estate" (what there is left of it) if he enters a nursing home. Also important to document caregiving expenses and other expenditures during the spend down phase. Gifts are not allowed etc. Worth it to get a good legal consultation with an elder law specialist!!

Spend it now on caregiving.....better for her and better for your quality of life. Keep records that her money is being spent on her needs....in case she does start to run out.

I plan on moving to Assisted Living. I was told that once I spend my money down it only takes a few months to become Medicaid eligible. Is there any truth to this as I though it took much longer to become Medicaid eligible. Or are there different laws regarding living in Assisted Living vs living in the community?

Savinggranny isn't being greedy, she is being smart and practical. It is tje husband/son-in-law who says not to spend it! I believe the intent about saving or spending is in regard to the longevity of the mother and how long the funds would last. I wish some posters would use their brains in assessing situations on this site.

As professional caregiver, I would ask the reasons for caregivers, i.e. does she have medical or mobility problems that require caregivers. Does she have problems with ADLs(the activities of daily living)? Or is she lonely and needs someone for companionship or a combination of both. The basic question is how much care and what type of care does she need.
2. I would find out if current caregivers are being paid appropriate hourly rate for your area. Also if she is paying the caregivers, is she paying them the correct amount and how are taxes, etc. being paid. If your mother is paying them under the table, then you could have a real problem.
3. Do the caregivers accountable in terms of hours and responsibilities? Sometimes if they lack accountability and supervision, time keeping can become lax.
4. You might want to evaluate whether it is less expensive to hire a caregiver for the weekend than providing the care yourself occasionally.
5. How confident that your funds will last 10 years? What if her health declines or she get Alzheimer's? Can she withstand these economic challenges. Looking at the long term possibilities is important.
I agree with the others that respite care is important, but caregiving can be extremely expensive over the long term.
Sorry this is not a yes or no answer, but I perceive caregiving to be a more complex question than yes or no.

If you have the money to spend then do it. You will be able to enjoy spending time wirh your mom without the stress of taking taking care of her. Your mental and physical health are just as important. I wish my sister and I had the financial means to hire more people to help with our mom. She is in now in home hospice and I am working three jobs plus helping take care of my mom during the day and my family and my home and my sister works full time and lives with my mom and takes care of her at night and weekends. We have aids through elder services there on the days I cant be there. We have three brothers that are no help he my children help out when we cant be there. Needless to say we dont have time for ouourselves. So unless your husband wants to take care of your mom I say hire the extra caregivers. Good luck

I'm in this same position now; I've been living with my elderly parents (mom 92 and dad 89) for 5 years as the primary caretaker and have not worked because of managing them. I'm now moving to the other coast to be closer to my children and grandchildren and resume working and have found capable help to keep my parents in their home. However other family members want our parents to go to an assisted living and sell the house and it's cause significant dissension and stress on everyone. I believe that if elders can stay in their homes, they should; if you find the right caregivers' go for it.

Unbelievable . Your Mom's money is hers. She should spend every penny before she dies.

I will never regret spending money on the nursing home while we still had plenty. My reasoning was that she was going to live a long time, and that was in 2008. By mid 2009 she was on Medicaid and our money was technically (per Medicaid rules) gone. Never gave it a second thought. Live your life.
Be grateful for mom's nest egg. Be grateful for the very generous government Medicaid program if the nest egg doesn't last.