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She's been living with us the last several years and we've tried but with kids and a husband and mom's been totally unbearable lately and I don't know what else to do. She has difficultly getting around, uses a cane but refuses to use a walker. She refuses to bathe but once a week or brush her teeth & hair daily. She gets mad when we leave the house to take the kids somewhere, when we are home she goes to bed at 4pm and is constantly miserable. This has been going on for the about the past 2 years but has recently gotten to the point where it's becoming out of hand. The kids won't have friends over cause we never know her mood and they don't want to be embarassed, she won't even talk to DH unless she needs something and is pretty much the same with me she will talk when she feels like it or needs something. I know this is more of a vent thank anything but how do you all deal with this. I know getting old isn't fun but she really makes it 100 times worse, she could have nobody and sometimes wonder if she would rather it that way. I have tried talking to her but she just walks away as soon as I start saying something she doesn't want to hear. I have a call into her Drs office to speak to the nurse but not sure how far that will get me. Thanks for listening.

Is your mother still legally competent? If so, then there's not really much you can do to force her into assisted living if she doesn't agree. IF she needs hospitalization at some point and then rehab, that will be the time to really push the issue.

Showtiming for the doctors is common. And since the doctors know that she lives with you, there is a default assumption that YOU will meet all of her needs, so they don't care.

My mother's doctor was that way. And my mother didn't even live with me, but the doctor knew that I was the one who drove her places. I think the doctor assumed I would step in to meet my mother's socialization needs, but I didn't. An infected gallbladder in October triggered a 17-day hospitalization and then a 38-day rehab stay. She is now a long term resident in the nursing home she ended her rehab in (same hallway, but her agitation caused her to jump the line to get a private room; this facility may be somewhat unusual in that there are a lot of private rooms).

She has been diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment and dementia. They say she was hiding it because she used to be in her carefully controlled environment as a shut-in.

I have no doubt she would still be in the condo if she hadn't been hospitalized.
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If your mom gets up and “sort of” functions independently while you all are at work or school, it sounds like she’s not to the point she needs a NH. I would investigate Independent Living facilities near you. After you learn what they include and if you think she may need a little more help than they provide, Assisted Living facilities would be the next possibility. Google the ones close to you and see if they might be appropriate to get the ball rolling.
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My experience has been if the elder doesn’t require a certain amount of help with essential daily functions or because of their mental state they need constant supervision, they do not qualify for a skilled nursing facility. Can she get in/out of bed on her own? Can she go to the toilet on her own? Can she get herself dressed or something to eat?
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Unfortunately she really doesn't have a diagnosis, she rarely goes to the Dr. unless needed and the facility she goes she normally has a different Dr. each time she goes. Of course when she's there she's all good with everything. They recently having her start seeing a nurse practitioner every 4 months but its pretty much the same there. Her daily living activities do not include much other than sitting in her chair & maybe watching a bit of TV. She gets up in the AM after we leave and will make some breakfast normally a bagel or cereal and then a small bite for lunch, she normally depends on me for supper if she eats at all. I work an hour away as does DH and the kids are in school all day. I've tried finding small things for her to do while we are away but they rarely if ever get done and then she complains about it. I just really am not good with dealing and don't want to seem like we want to throw her in a NH but I don't know what other options we have as she definetly cannot live on her own or even afford it for that matter.
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Ahmijoy Feb 11, 2019
A skilled nursing facility is not your only option. There is Independent Living, and also Assisted Living where she will be observed but not watched like a hawk by staff. If she can live completely on her own, there are Senior apartments. Since she’s not social, I would avoid “group homes”. Bottom line is that she needs to go someplace and you’ll have to do some research.
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I am so sorry that your mother is one of what we call the “toxic” ones and she has spread that toxicity throughout your family. Give yourself credit for realizing that this is no longer working and family must come first. There is no guilt in that realization.

In my experience, the doctor usually isn’t much help unless she needs a meds adjustment. They don’t deal with placement in facilities. It might be better to call your local Area Agency on Aging and tell them what you need. It sounds like your mom may be suffering from dementia or a severe case of depression. Personal care is usually the first to go. Even though you’ve tried to make her home life with you easier, it’s not working. She’s not happy and either are you. I know what it’s like to not have your twilight years go as you expected. It’s not fun.

If she angrily makes an escape every time you bring it up, there are a few things you can do. This is where the doctor may be able to help. The next time you go, before you go, write or call her doctor and tell them you need their help informing Mom the living arrangements are not working. When you go, position yourself at the door so she can’t escape. Explain that the arrangements are no longer working and you’re looking for a place better suited for her. Someplace she’ll enjoy living because it’s become obvious that it’s no longer your home. Don’t let her intimidate you. Remember, your DH and kids come first. Other than that, if the doctor thing doesn’t work, in a very brief explanation, tell her you are starting the process of finding a better place for her to live and then do it. Give her brochures from facilities to look at and if she refuses, tell her you will choose for her. It won’t be easy, but it’s not easy now, is it? Good luck. I wish you well.
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What is her medical diagnoses re competency? What is it for ADLs?
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