My mother is fully ambulatory, just requires supervision for safety concerns. I cannot provide that in her apartment, and Medicaid does not cover that level of need.
She goes downstairs to the main lobby through the fire exit staircase, then sometimes proceeds to walk right out the front door. I understand that having someone watch her every move is not possible, but even still something should be able to be done.
I understand the safety concerns and when I ask them what can be done, they offer no suggestions. We have tried medication but being behavioral issues spurred by the desire to go home, be with family, go shopping, socialize so to speak. I will admit the activities they do are slightly juvenile, and my mother is not at that point. On the other hand, she cannot be left alone since she can harm herself or someone else.
Medications have not altered the behavior. I suggested giving her a benzo or heavy sedatives if that is what is necessary. They cannot do that for many reasons, which I understand.
She is fine with a one-to-one and they have asked me to provide a one-to-one, but I refuse to spend $29-$35/hour for a private aide. They have also suggested specialized dementia communities for those with more social desires and behaviors, but once again those are private pay, my mother has no assets, and I refuse to flip the bill.
So what exactly can be done with such a patient? I am being told I am stuck and the facility is stuck. I refuse to have her live with me, my family will not take her. They have offered help if I take her out but refuse to take any responsibility, and I do not trust them to do as they say they will. If I take her out and they do not follow through, I am back at square one. It was already a pain to get her placed in the first place.
The part that gets me is my mom cannot be the first person that has left through a fire exit. Yet they are making it seem like they have never seen this before.
When I asked what will making my mother a ward of the state accomplish, if you guys are unable to place her what exactly could the state do. They did not give me a straight answer, so I assume that means they will dump her off wherever? Why exactly can they not do that now?
Was also told placement is going to be hard because my mother requires a one-to-one sit due to being a flight risk. Overall I have just been told every reason why it is hard, but have not been offered viable solutions that do not revolve me giving up my time and money.
I just want to add DO NOT CAVE IN or let the hospital coerce you to bring her home. You do not have to and you will regret it if you do.
As it stands the SNF is able to remove my mother by sending her to the ER and refusing to take her in. Which us unfortunate but it appears unless I am willing to take her in or pay for proper placement with more social and skilled care regarding dementia behaviors she is SOL.
So rip guess my mother will be playing SNF, ER roulette until something gives. It is ridiculous that places that specialize in PWD that are younger and need more one-on-one attention coat upwards of 11k.
As the Ombudsman pointed out off the record. Dementia does not discriminate but the care most certainly does. That is life.
Yes I do wish I could end my mother's life, that does not mean I want to see her needlessly suffer. Playing this roulette she is going to suffer. We have tried medication but facts are unless someone watches her like a hawk she is still extremely fit for her age she will get into things she is not meant to. That said I am also not willing to throw my own life into chaos taking on a role I know I am not equipped to handle. I would snap and could hurt my mom if I took on a more hands on level of care.
If you take her home, you lose those. She becomes your problem. Stand firm.
Why exactly can they not just place her without having me go through the hassle of letting her become a ward of the state?
You are self-protective. You don't have a martyr complex and you know your limits.
Keep up the good work.
As you said though I know my limits I would not last a month. I get annoyed far too quickly.
In my area there is a SNF with a locked down floor that is fully covered by Medicaid. The residents cannot get off that floor. Have you searched (or the NH) for a similar facility near you? If not, you need to stick to your guns, it is their responsibility to keep her safe. You do not need to pay for a sitter. They will work out a way. You may want to call the ombudsman for support and guidance.
My concern is they are going to send her to the ER.
I get what you mean now about your mom being in a SNF. She's in the memory care part. My uncle is in a SNF on the memory care floor. No one can wander off and leave. When we visit him, an aide has to come and put in a code to let us in and out because the place is locked down tight.
It's not a particularly nice place but it's what Medicaid pays for. My cousin (his son) pays for him to go to adult day care two afternoons a week because he's kind of like your mother. Not so far gone mentally that he can't still go out. The adult day care he goes to is pretty reasonably priced and it's a decent place.
If you're completely unwilling or unable to pay for anything for your mother there are different charitable organizations that might help with the cost. The United Way is one of them. Go on line and do a bit of research.
Yeah my mom's place had a key code but for whatever reason they underestimate the resolve of some people. While they were not supposed to they use to put the code around her. It was a dumb code 0991 she saw one day and that was the first time she escaped.
They thought I told her, nah your staff just leaves their guard down. Just because people have dementia does not mean they are dumb and cannot retain patterns or info all the time.
I asked why not put a guard or someone at the door. They do not have the staff to do that. My mother is very quick, and is determined.
Many SNFs have locked down neighborhoods for people who are at risk for elopement - it sounds like your mother is not in one like this? Maybe a different SNF would be a better fit?
I don't have anything to add to the wonderful advice already given to you, but just wanted to know I'm one more who is on your side. You are doing the right things -- keep refusing to take her home.
Keep us updated!!!
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