Should I accept the responsibility of executor for my DIFFICULT mother?

My "difficult" sister asked me several years ago if I would be the executrix of her estate. She's married. I asked "you mean if (bil) passes away before you?" She told me no, even if she predeceased him. He's "not good" with things like that, she told me.

I told her, in no uncertain terms, NO. First, I'm not comfortable taking on that role that should be her husband's should she die first. Secondly, I have absolutely NO IDEA of where ANYTHING of hers is! I have only been in her house once (literally!!) for about 5 minutes. I don't know what sort of assets they have, where those assets are kept, where any pertinent paperwork would be found, etc.

Also, the person assigned as executor/trix has other responsibilities besides paying out the estate, the primary one being filing that final tax return. So not only would I have to find all the estate information, I would also have to track down anything the I.R.S. needed. Nope, not doing it.

I hope she took my refusal seriously and didn't just name me in the will anyhow. But I can tell you if she did, I will unequivocally refuse to be executrix and let probate court figure it out.

If you know going in it's going to be a mess that you have no interest in dealing with, then - in the immortal words of Nancy Reagen - "just say no".

If your mother doesn't have any real estate, cars, or bank accounts that needs to be probated, she really doesn't need a will.
The person who will clean out her apartment after she passes can arrange to have her possessions handed out per her wishes. Or the people she wants to have them can come and get them. So really
all you'll have to do is deal with the safety deposit box and her bank account Get her to add a co-signer on the box and the account so you can get into both without trouble. Let her know that if the safety deposit box fees don't get paid and there is no co-signer to collect her things, the bank auctions them off. If it's cash money in there, it goes back to the bank. If no one can access her bank account it will have to go through court. This happens. It happened to someone I know whose aunt passed away. She was POA and executor of her will but didn't know about the safety deposit box. The aunt was in MC from dementia and she's forgotten about it years before. My friend only found out about it because she had her aunt's mail delivered to her house. The bank sent a notice saying that branch was closing and contents of the box were auctioned off for lack of payment on the bill. This was the only communication she ever saw from them about it.
Let your mother know that this happens and to add you as a co-signer for the box at the bank. Tell her plainly that you're sure she isn't keeping any stolen Nazi gold or Faberge eggs in her in the bank so there's no need for secrecy and to just add your name to the paperwork at the bank.
Once this gets done, she won't even need a will. You will be saved a big headache too with not having to probate an estate.

Had a "difficult" Mom too, as in HIGH MAINTENANCE and a penchant for making everything more complicated than necessary.
Yes, executor duties start upon death. That said, challenging people can leave challenging wills and instructions.

I was going to be Mom's executor. I asked to see the ENTIRE will, not just the signature page, so I could go over it with her and know exactly what was what. I. the end, on the advice of attorney, she agreed to shred the will (which was invalid in our state, but would have made life difficult for me if existing), but I went over her bequests and honored them outside probate. Mom had absolutely no assets, so process was simple.

However, regardless of your relationship with Mom, as executor you will be responsible for disposing/giving/sorting/selling/donating all her stuff. This can be hard physically, mentally and emotionally - not tp to mention hidden costs, like travel, hauling, advertising sales, etc. If Mom doesn't have money for this. then UGH.
Part of your decision should be based on on whether you can handle it. You live far away. That will be a challenge. Where will you stay? Who can be there to help you? What does her lease say about vacating the apartment after death? That will tell you how long you have.

If you aren't concerned about what charity or enitity or trashman gets the un-bequeathed items, that simplifies the job.

(Also, what are her bequeaths? Will those people be present for distribution or will you have to mail or ship them?)

Bottom line:
Get the facts on Mom's wishes, will and funeral/cremation policies.
Require Mom to give you access NOW to her safety box, etc.
Consult an attorney about whether you must probate.
Decide what you can do, what you can handle. Would you be ok with court appointed, another family member, or other person/entity being executor?

PS. If you're executor, as long as you are the SOLE executor, the brother can intervene as much as YOU allow him.

I would talk to a lawyer. Thst said, my understanding is that The executor comes into play after mom is dead. You may have to deal with other relatives but not her.

Btw I am at the end of a long fight with Hodgkin's lymphoma and have a very healthy 90 year old mom. I am trying to figure this stuff out for myself and my mom.
Take care of yourself.

dmypub: Seek the services of an elder law attorney.

Has your mom asked you to be the Executor?
If not then don't.
If she has asked you then you need to be given the "tools" that will make it easier for you to do your job.
If she refuses then tell her that you can not be an effective executor and tell her that she needs to find someone else that will do it.

Suggest to your mother that she ask an attorney to be the executor. Even an estate with no real value can be a headache to settle. If your mother has done what my mother did, there may be conflicting instructions--or impossible instructions to fulfill. Also, the legal requirements in her state may be confusing and/or require documents that she may not have. My mother's "estate," after paying her final bills came to less than $1000, but my two sisters spent months chasing down all the right forms and finding papers that were not clearly filed. Mom had everything, but she had no system for keeping the records. Mom also left a real mess of written instructions to various people with contradictory requests.

By the way, with a death certificate and your birth certificate you can speak to a bank manager to gain access to the safe deposit box. Obviously this must be done in person. If you do not have a copy of the will, there would be other legal steps that must be taken first. My husband did this with my MIL's box, but it did take a couple of weeks. This will simply add to the time that you would need to take off from your work and your own life.

In our state Mom's estate will not be officially settled until one year after her death. The sister who has signatory authority to Mom's checking account needs to keep that open until she can close it next June. Then she will divide whatever is left (if anything) after the monthly charges between the 5 sibs. I have already written a letter requesting that my share, if any, be reassigned to the sister who has done most of the annoying paperwork.

You are also right that family members can make the job even more difficult. You really don't need this hassle. If you really don't care what happens to the keepsakes in her apartment, you may want to sidestep this chore. It is simple enough to say that you do not have the legal training or the time to settle an estate 2,000 miles away.

I am quite happy and relieved that my sisters took on these responsibilities. It took far more time and effort that anyone would have expected. You certainly have a right to refuse to take it on.

Without POA for financial decisions, a key to the safe deposit box, and a clear understanding of what you’ll do there’s no way you can successfully do this. Will mom agree to POA and other necessities? I was executor for my dad, it mostly went smoothly, but he had all I needed in place. And I have a difficult aunt who so wanted to be involved, I used my powers of ignoring well

People saying variations on "what's the big deal" have clearly never actually executed a Will or had to accomplish major tasks in the face of problematic people and/or in the absence of info or access.

AlvaDeer is correct: once your mother passes, you can decline being the Executor. But as she notes, that has to be done through the court system.

An alternative to consider (if your mother would agree to do so) is to have your mother name an elder law attorney in her local area as Executor instead. That way they are already in place when the time comes, and you don't have to deal with court dates, talking to a judge, etc. later.

Her estate will be required to pay for whomever takes on the work whether you hire them or the court does, so it's worth considering whether it's easier in your situation and with your given circumstances to put a replacement in now or or to decline through the courts later.

Personally -- faced with my own problem family and difficult, secretive parent whose estate and affairs were about as organized as a clown car crossed with a magician's hat -- I've gone the route of having an elder law attorney named by my father as Executor now. If I'd remained as Executor, I'd have had to hire them anyway to get anything done, so it made the most sense to just cut to the chase.

It shouldn't be that difficult to gain access to her box if you're the executor. The important thing, though, is to make good and sure the will isn't in it, though, because that's where the proof is that you're the executor. Wills should never, ever be kept in a safe deposit box.

Agree to be the executor, but require her to provide you with the will -- sealed if she likes -- now.

My dad had to move his safe deposit box on a Thursday. Branch was closing. He died Tuesday from C0VID before there was a vax. Never any time to get a 2nd person on it. It took me a year-plus to gain access through Surrogate's Court despite fact I'm POA for both my parents and my disabled mom survives. There wasn't much in it, but it was critical. Vehicle title, bank stock, abstract to their home.

How about this. Don’t bother, difficult mother , you don’t like her so let her be. I hate these posts. People want sympathy for themselves against their own parents that brought them into this world. They have no time for them. Fine. I joke whom ever cares for your mother gets the access you seem to want. Ugh

Well. What I read here is you want access to her valuables which are locked away. Do u love her ? She brought you into this world hopefully with love and I hope you so the same without monetizing about it. You don’t like your mom. Sounds like u would rather pass o. It. Then do so. No one dies or goes on cue. How about u pass on the flag to someone who cares enough.

Yes, Executor comes after death. If your Mom has no large assets then being Executor will not be hard. In my state anything under 20k is not probated. All you do is carry out the Will. If there are certain things she wants to gift then she puts them in the Will. With my Mom nothing she owned was worth anything so us kids took what we wanted and gave away or donated the rest.

Probate in my state can't be closed for 8 months. I had to wait for the sale of her house. She had no debts. Taxes and Medicaid were paid off from proceeds from the house. If when your Mom has no money, then there is no probate. Debts can't be paid. You r not responsible personally for the debts. Unless she has some expensive items, you can just get rid if anything. Whatever is in her Will is what you carry out. Uncle can do nothing. You as her child are above him.

I think you maybe getting worked up over nothing.

You do not have to accept being an Executor. You simply tell the court that you decline being executor after your Mom's death. No need to disrupt anything at all while she's living if you don't wish to. At that time ask the court to contact her brother. He will accept or decline. The court will appoint a Licensed Fiduciary to do the administration of the will when you decline. NO ONE must accepting being either executor or POA or Administrator or anything else.

Executor is after she dies. Your biggest problem will be siblings and other family members.

You will need to get papers to the bank to gain access to her safe deposit box. It will probably have to be on the bank's own form.

See an elder law attorney in Nevada to make sure everything works with Nevada law. Some changes may need to be made.

Executor takes care of the estate after her death. How will she cause problems if she's dead?