I'm a 56 yr old daughter, living with parent's, has own health issue's, esp. Neuropathy in feet from diabetes. Any comment's on how to get the nursing care they need, without feeling extremely guilty, since it's not what they want?
I'm posting some of your other info from your profile because I think it helps to know:
"I'm a 56 ur old divorced woman. I've lived most of my life with my parent's. I've 2 adult children an 2 grandchildren. My daughter is a rn at a local hospital. My son... is attending college to finish his degree in psychology. I have no siblings, no spouse or significant other. My father recently agreed to be placed in a nursing facility for rehabilitation. My mother is still at home, needing more care, than I believe, I can give... never wanted any kind of healthcare inside of home, or outside of home. The main reason, not having any trust. I'm always home, they both have walkers, mom has more incontinence problems than father, an been on disposable diapers for longer period of time. When I became 45, my physical health started to worsen. My main concern is my diabetic feet. Neuropathy affects my mobility. So I've good reason to not be as quick as my parents are use to an would like. I'm stuck. I could use some advice. I'm trying to do what they want. They've both have needed more care then they've been given, I believe. My father is getting that now, but mom won't agree to getting same kind of care. From very early on, I learned from them.. Don't trust. So agreeing an believing them, I guess I don't have it in me to just make these decisions myself. Any help from someone who has experienced this situation, would be appreciated. Oh, I need to include, my relationship with my daughter, since the beginning of this year, is none existent. Well, I can be difficult. My kid's have tried to convince my parent's about getting some kind of care other than me. Especially since my daughter is a registered nurse. Now, it's just me. I'm not good in stressful situation's."
The reality is that the caregiving arrangement must work for both the receivers and the giver, or it is not working at all -- as you are coming to realize. You say you are stuck, but you aren't: you just are dreading the fallout from the only answer you *know* works for you, which is for them to go into a facility so that they can get the care they really need and you can finally have a life of your own and take care of your own health. You have no reason to feel guilty, but it is ok to feel grieved about making this change. You've done nothing wrong to feel guilty about. Your parents have no right to "assume" you into a lifetime of servitude to them at the expense of your very health -- and you have no right to hope or expect your RN daughter to be caught in the same trap.
I've been on this forum since 2019. I've seldom read posts about elders who are excited about transitioning into a facility, no matter how wonderful it is. The 4 elders in my own family feel the same. So, you will just need to work on your own attitude and dread or you'll never be able to move forward. Things will get better but you have to move through the hard stuff first. And what will happen if you don't take care of your own health? Are you expecting your children to orbit around you? Please, no.
It would be helpful to know more details about whether you live with them or they with you; are you their PoA; what kind of finances do they have; are they immigrants/do they speak English, etc.
If you live with them, your first order of business should be for you to start the wheels in motion to move out (and not in with one of your kids). You don't need to tell your parents this or you'll never hear the end of it. Tell them when you've actually got a place and shortly before you go.
During this time, contact social services for your county to come in and do an assessment to see what in-home services they may qualify for (like light housekeeping, food prep, hygiene, etc.) When your parents gripe about the invasion of strangers you tell them it's help for YOU. Don't let them keep out help, don't engage when they complain about it. Also, please see a therapist who can help u find & protect personal boundaries
Since you have your own medical issues they might be more receptive to the idea of more help "for you" rather than "for them". Make a list of the things you do every day and what you could conceivably spin this way and hire help for those tasks, once they get used to the idea of help coming in then it may be easier to segue to the help tending exclusively to their need (to help take the burden off you of course 😉)
"I'm a 56 ur old divorced woman. I've lived most of my life with my parent's. I've 2 adult children an 2 grandchildren. My daughter is a rn at a local hospital. My son... is attending college to finish his degree in psychology. I have no siblings, no spouse or significant other. My father recently agreed to be placed in a nursing facility for rehabilitation. My mother is still at home, needing more care, than I believe, I can give... never wanted any kind of healthcare inside of home, or outside of home. The main reason, not having any trust. I'm always home, they both have walkers, mom has more incontinence problems than father, an been on disposable diapers for longer period of time. When I became 45, my physical health started to worsen. My main concern is my diabetic feet. Neuropathy affects my mobility. So I've good reason to not be as quick as my parents are use to an would like. I'm stuck. I could use some advice. I'm trying to do what they want. They've both have needed more care then they've been given, I believe. My father is getting that now, but mom won't agree to getting same kind of care. From very early on, I learned from them.. Don't trust. So agreeing an believing them, I guess I don't have it in me to just make these decisions myself. Any help from someone who has experienced this situation, would be appreciated. Oh, I need to include, my relationship with my daughter, since the beginning of this year, is none existent. Well, I can be difficult. My kid's have tried to convince my parent's about getting some kind of care other than me. Especially since my daughter is a registered nurse. Now, it's just me. I'm not good in stressful situation's."
The reality is that the caregiving arrangement must work for both the receivers and the giver, or it is not working at all -- as you are coming to realize. You say you are stuck, but you aren't: you just are dreading the fallout from the only answer you *know* works for you, which is for them to go into a facility so that they can get the care they really need and you can finally have a life of your own and take care of your own health. You have no reason to feel guilty, but it is ok to feel grieved about making this change. You've done nothing wrong to feel guilty about. Your parents have no right to "assume" you into a lifetime of servitude to them at the expense of your very health -- and you have no right to hope or expect your RN daughter to be caught in the same trap.
I've been on this forum since 2019. I've seldom read posts about elders who are excited about transitioning into a facility, no matter how wonderful it is. The 4 elders in my own family feel the same. So, you will just need to work on your own attitude and dread or you'll never be able to move forward. Things will get better but you have to move through the hard stuff first. And what will happen if you don't take care of your own health? Are you expecting your children to orbit around you? Please, no.
It would be helpful to know more details about whether you live with them or they with you; are you their PoA; what kind of finances do they have; are they immigrants/do they speak English, etc.
If you live with them, your first order of business should be for you to start the wheels in motion to move out (and not in with one of your kids). You don't need to tell your parents this or you'll never hear the end of it. Tell them when you've actually got a place and shortly before you go.
During this time, contact social services for your county to come in and do an assessment to see what in-home services they may qualify for (like light housekeeping, food prep, hygiene, etc.) When your parents gripe about the invasion of strangers you tell them it's help for YOU. Don't let them keep out help, don't engage when they complain about it. Also, please see a therapist who can help u find & protect personal boundaries
https://www3.erie.gov/seniorservices/caregiving
There's an introductory video and a number to call for general advice - I think it might be a good start.