Need help with roommate.

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Need help with roommate.

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My mom is in a skilled nursing facility. She has been there 9 weeks and has had 2 roommates since she arrived. The room she is in has 2 beds. She now shares it with a lady who has been there 3 weeks.
At first, it was ok, This roommate (like my mom) has dementia, she is a kind, gentle, easy going lady that is pleasant but confused. My mom tells me the roommate steals from her, takes her toothbrush, TV remote & tissue papers & opens her drawers & walks around at night in the room, At first, I did not believe it because my mom has dementia with paranoid delusions.She imagines things that dont happen.
Well, today I find out that last night my mom's roommate wandered around into a few other residence's rooms & had my mom's hairbrush in her hand.
They are now watching her closer. I feel bad because when my mom told me last week about the stealing, I didnt believe her due to her paranoia.
Over the past few days I have asked the social service's director IF we can get my mom a more suitable roommate & the response was we are full and once a bed comes available, we can let you know and move my mom.
Other than this issue, I am reasonably happy with her care there, & my mom is happy, she likes the staff, doctors & they treat her well. The facility is clean, the residence look nice & well-dressed. BUT with my mom's dementia & paranoia I worry that this roommate is not suitable for my mom.
The other issue, IF she gets another roommate, what happens when that roommate rehabs & leaves? I can't have constant rotating roommates, this messes with my mom's dementia.What can I do??
FYI. I have been nice to the entire staff, the DON, administrator, social services and anyone I see there I compliment them & thank them for doing all they do & I appreciate them. We had a care team meeting last week and took 4 dozen doughnuts with us & thanked them all for working hard to take care of my mom.
I told the social service's director today that I am happy with my mom being here & hope we can "fix" the roommate issue & we know that my mom's baseline now seems to show that she is needing permanent skilled nursing facility care & I need to consider permanent placement & choose your facility, but I hope we can fix the issue, so my mom can live in some peace without paranoia and constant roommate changes.
I didnt want to give ultimatums because I do not want to come across as difficult & this issue is a better one to have than rotten care. They do give her good care & for that I am grateful. And they know it.

But what if anything can I do?

I know nothing's perfect, but my mom's paranoia is bad enough without revolving roommates.

Care Decisions Dementia Behaviors Mom Skilled Nursing Facility

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label your mom’s things. Sounds like elementary school all over again. I put “Hot” stickers on my kid’s pens and pencils and put tape over the stickers.. kids stopped stealing her things.

I know that not going to stop someone with dementia but at least the staff will know the who the labels belong to.

my cousin had the same situation. The revolving door is rooommmates. Well some were worse than others. Some would moan or yell for no reason or they got their hours all mixed up, awake at night…. So mom’s situation with a new roommate may not be better…
Hopefully they can get roommate to keep her hands to herself… and not take things that don’t belong to her..

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OP, stop worrying about the future and how things could get worse! In aged care, things change all the time. Some people live to be a hundred, some die 30 years earlier. Some have a stroke or something else sudden that changes virtually everything for them, some (not many) stay sensible and competent until the end. And the same goes for the others that they ‘live’ with.

Stay ‘in the moment’, find things to enjoy with your mother and in your own life, and cope with the current problems as best you can. That’s really all you can hope to achieve! Lots of love, Margaret

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I don’t know what else you can do at this point. You have notified the staff. They gave you a response. All you can do now is to wait and see how it goes.

It’s a frustrating situation and unfortunately is a common occurrence in any nursing home environment.

You’re a wonderful advocate for your mom. Wishing you and your mom all the best.

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To answer your question, not much. The facility may try to find a compatible match, but unlikely.

Remember, the majority of staff is 8 or 9 hours of work. They want to do their shift and leave.

Good example, dinner today was late. It did not get to the section until as almost 7. Day crew passed out what had been delivered. When 7 rolled around, they left. 😆

"Help help" lady sometimes yells at the 7 pm hour as well. She is ignored and left for the night staff to deal with

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While this is annoying, I don't know if it will get resolved. It's so common with dementia and so hard to control. And a new roomie could be even worse. But that is not to belittle that this is a real problem and I do agree that she's not a good match for your mom. Problem is, she's not going to be a good roomie for anyone! After a period of time, I'd say, OK, time for mom's roomie to become someone else's problem for awhile and give your mom a new roomie.

I'm having similar problems with my mom in AL with who is assigned to her table in the dining room.

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OP unfortunately I do think that you need to reconsider your own expectations. You say “with my mom's dementia & paranoia I worry that this roommate is not suitable for my mom”. Couldn’t any other family say that your mother (with her dementia and paranoia) is an unsuitable roommate for their own LO? Unless you can afford a private room, you probably need to accept that there will be no ‘perfect’ room-mate for your mother. That’s why people are in the facility. It’s a ‘least worst’ situation, not something where you get your heart’s desire.

Try to work out ways around the problems. A new room-mate could easily be worse!

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The proper response from the staff should have been that they will find the latest roommate another room. imo.

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And the staff should then come up with the perfect room-mate? Be real!

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Most people in NHs have Dementia. And "stealing" is part of the Dementia. They do not understand what they are taking is not theirs. They are like small children. Where I live Rehab patients are not put in the wing where LTC patients are. There is a wing just for rehab. I would not appreciate, if I was in Rehab, being put in a room with someone with Dementia. Sorry to say, Mom will probably have lots of roommates. Nothing can really be done about it.

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Where is this? Dementia or not Rehab or LTC if a resident has COVID, they would be put together. This definitely happened at this facility.

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If your Mom is a Medicaid recipient then the roommate thing may just be how it is. However, just to give you some hope: my MIL is in LTC on Medicaid in an excellent, faith-based facility. After covid ravaged the resident population, I think it freed up many rooms (sadly). Post-covid, my MIL has not had a single roommate and we're not sure why. I'm afraid to ask... it may be due to the fact during covid our family purchased and assembled almost 1000 clear protective face shields for the staff; or maybe because other than her mild/mod memory and cognitive impairment, she's very easy to deal with and sweet, which she was as her prior self, and they don't have the heart to house a challenging person with her? Also, this facility did an extensive remodel and addition right before covid hit, so maybe they do just have a glut of rooms... but still... There's not even an empty 2nd bed in her room. Keep checking as many facilities as you can to see what their occupancy is.

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Geaton777 😆. Glad your mom has no roommate at the moment.

Same for myself. Had room to myself, no bed, thought the same. Then, an inoperable bed was moved there (not get in trouble with state) was moved to shared room less then 2 weeks notice, ( not even see the room or meet roommate before move)

Mom probably has room to herself because of lack of new patients.

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Actually, unless you move her altogether to another facility, you've done everything you can. This is a running theme in many facilities across the board, unless it's a private room. Where there's on issue with a room mate, there will in fact be another at a late time. You CAN buy disposable brushes for both hair and for teeth on amazon and accept the fact that both your mother and room mate both share in a condition that is beyond your control.
I'm sure the staff appreciates your kindness, and I have confidence that they will watch as closely as they can if they've said this to you. My parent is in an AL facility and this sort of thing goes on even in there....Wait for a bit and see what happens ... I'm sure the room mate has no clue as to who's brush that is that the had.... You can ask the nurses station to keep a pack of brushes and combs for your mom there or just keep them in your car. Hope this helps.

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Thank You for the reply! FYI. My mom will be transitioning to Medicaid
(this facility takes it) I am preparing for that and had that discussion today with the business office. They are very helpful. I also cannot get a private room as they dont offer it UNLESS I want to pay for the other bed.
I do not want to take my mom elsewhere because they are doing a good job caring for her & the best part>>>>>>> she likes the staff & trusts the doctors & takes her meds!! This was a challenge before, but now she trusts them.
I would HATE to move her and have worse issues. If the skilled facility knew we would commit to her living there after her rehab concludes I wonder if that would help? we are in that 100 medicare days. My moms ADL'S need a lot of work, and she is not able to do a lot on her own.
My mom's baseline shows little if any ability to live without skilled assistance.
It is obvious when we visit that the facility is right & talked to her doctors and can see her inability to do simple ADL's.

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If your mother has to share a room, to be honest this room-mate doesn’t sound too bad. There are some whose behavior is far more offensive. Loud TVs would drive me insane, for example. The most difficult people are usually the ones moved most frequently.

Is there some way that you can make your M’s possessions a bit more secure? If they are all laid out in full view on a shelf, taking them is just too easy. Could they go in a drawer very close to the bed head? Could something a bit less ‘personal’ than the toothbrush and hairbrush be put out to be the things that get picked up?

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you are 100% right!! IF my mom did not have paranoid delusions and was like she used to be before the dementia set in, she would be compassionate & know she cannot help what she does & my mom would befriend her and be helpful, My mom raised me to be like that too!! in the past, my mom always had compassion for those that need help. Unfortunately mu moms dementia has clouded her thinking and it will only get worse. The roommate is a very nice lady!!

Need help with roommate.

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