New to this site, I need answers and just people to talk to on distressing. I take care of my Mom (81) full time. Advice? - AgingCare.com

New to this site, I need answers and just people to talk to on distressing. I take care of my Mom (81) full time. Advice?

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She lives with my husband & I, it has been a huge strain on our relationship. First my mom was living with my sister and her husband in MN where she broke her femur 2x in less than a yr and then got a staph infection from the surgery (which she will have for the rest of her life) she moved here with us in AZ last August, they now say there is nothing they can do for her leg so they want to amputate, or they can keep her on antibiotics for life until/if infection spreads. She just had surgery a week ago for a prolapsed bowel and bowel resection. She has been home a few days now, and I feel like I am losing it, she got very confused (think she has a UTI) waiting on test results, wanted to go back to Iowa to see my Dad who passed 7 yrs ago, I couldn't stop crying thought she was dying. She has a DNR, so I just kept crying she didn't want to go to hospital, couldn't get her to drink, eat take pills, anything. She is better now, eating drinking, and I have taken over her pills to make sure she takes them and not to many. My husband lost his job of 28 yrs at age 61 6months ago, we have had so many major things happen in our life, I need to work but can't leave my Mom. My sisters and my Mom don't make enough to put her in an Assisted living. I love her very much, I want her to be here, yet there are times I don't and yes I feel so guilty. I also took care of my father who had cancer 24/7 and went through basically all I am going through now. It is so hard watching it all over again, now just with a different parent. Any advice, tips, help would so much be appreciated...I admire what you all do, it isn't easy there needs to be a recognized day a National Day for Caregivers!!!!!

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I'm sorry you are finding things so hard at the moment. I found the first few weeks after my Mum had bowel surgery 4 months ago were exhausting. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about, we should be at least as kind to ourselves as we would be to anyone else. Your husband may be be feeling he has no control over his life and the loss of his job won't help. Thinking of you and hoping things improve soon.
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By all means apply for Medicaid and get her in nursing home or maybe hospice care. If you new to the site cruise around and read all the threads from people who've had their lives destroyed from trying to keep a loved at home or their home who has multiple cognitive and medical issues. You've been through enough already. Save yourself. Get mom medicaid and get her in care now.
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My main piece of advice is to try to stop the guilt. When we care for our elderly parents (or a spouse) the guilt seems to be built in and that guilt can make us depressed and anxious. As caregivers we do the best we can with what we have to work with and unless we are beating up our parents we have no reason to feel guilty.

Are you beating your parents? Of course you're not. Are you doing the best you can? If so, there's no reason to feel guilty.
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Is your mother on Medicaid? If she is not, you need to apply for her. Is she eligible for nursing home care? Would assisted living be a high enough level of care for her? You would need to talk to her doctors about this.

Have you spoken to your local area agency on aging? There might be adult day care or other services in your area. Please post back and let us know how this is going.
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there needs to be a national " sedative " for caregivers . almost 2 years after my mother passed from dementia my head is still spinning . tried to sleep for the last couple of hours and was thinking about how much my life was derailed during moms last few years . plans , hopes , dreams , productivity , accomplishments -- all frozen in place . i dont regret a moment of it but in hindsight i can see how mortally crippling it was .
then you see entire populations of city people living on subsidized housing , food , health care , education , transportation , etc and it make you wonder why the government doesnt financially assist family carers . ive written to politicians for all of my adult life on various matters and actually ( eventually ) seen results from my activism . perhaps more carers need to speak to govt officials . with the advent of electronic communications its never before been easier . i consider the va to be a decade ahead of their time in health care matters . they are after all a federal model for medicine , and they are taking a strong look at family caregiver and recipient needs .
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