My 88 year old mother had a TBI 65 years ago, causing her to have no empathy center. She is self absorbed and makes unreasonable demands on a regular basis . My entire extended family attests to this. Now she has dementia and has lost short term memory. I have many concerns, but these are 3 main hygiene issues. 1. She won't bathe. She says she's too tired and that she bathed a few times this week, which of course she didn't. She refuses showers and always has..she will only bathe. She won't hear about the risk of a UTI. Her Dr. tried to talk to her about it, but she doesn't remember. She is not incontinent and she does not have body odor...yet, but I know she is not clean. 2. She wears the same clothes and pajamas almost every day and I can rarely get her to change or launder them. Again, she says that she did laundry this week and that I am stupid for saying that she doesn't wash her clothes. In her mind, she did I guess. I am sometimes able to sneak her clothes to the washer but she still wears the same clothes everyday. 3. Most of the time she does not use toothpaste when brushing her teeth. I gently told her that this will cause her teeth to decay and that fillings and crowns are expensive and painful. I've also tried various toothpastes. Again, she tells me that I am "stupid" for saying that brushing without toothpaste can cause decay. Every time I make a dental appointment, she cancels or refuses to go because she is tired. I don't raise my voice or tell her that she is wrong....I know that it only intensifies her resolve and causes outbursts. She is not incontinent and she does not have body odor, but she is not clean. Anyone have success battling these types of issues?
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Maybe this could be closed for answers....
Got agency aide in 3 x a week.
Took time but it worked. Aide staff varied & it was interesting to see the different styles & personalities. From older no-nonsense to softer day-spa gentle.. both worked! Sucessful negotiatoons for twice weekly showers, clothes changed & teeth brushed.
Now in a care facility & daily hygiene is just that, part of the daily routine. No fuss any more.
The hospice nurse had some success in getting him to do these things, where neither my mom nor I could get anywhere. I tried bribery but there were very few things he wanted, for instance ice cream was the only thing he did eat, and he was skeletally thin. The only thing he wanted to do was watch the same few movies over and over every day. So bribing him there didn’t work either. He wanted a puppy but there was NO WAY that was happening. I did get him a robot toy dog and various stuffed toys. I sometimes brought over my dog but that only engaged him for maybe 1-2 minutes and it wasn’t possible to produce her immediately after he bathed or whatever.
Good luck. This is incredibly common — in fact I would guess nearly universal with dementia.
Don't worry about the use of toothpaste. The fact that she is brushing at all is HUGE!!!
You can try getting a child's flavored toothpaste she might be more inclined to use it if it "tastes good" . One of the cautions about adult toothpaste is the fluoride that is added. It can be a problems if she does not spit it out and is swallowing it. Fluoride can cause gastric upset.
If you are not living with mom (not sure if you are or aren't) I will say that she should not be living alone. I am a firm believer that at the point of cognition where you mom is there is a high risk that she is not safe. She could wander, she could leave a faucet on, a stove on, try to adjust the heating setting on the thermostat. Any number of things.
It sounds like it is time to look for Memory Care for mom
or
Getting caregivers that will come in daily.
I know this a a point of contention for many people.
You don't want "strangers" in the house, it is an invasion of privacy, they are expensive, and so on.
A caregiver that is used to caring for someone with dementia can get them to do things that sometimes family can't. Like bathe or shower, change clothes.
(by the way taking a bath does not cause UTI's. Use mild soap, do not soak for long periods of time and wash properly and dry well.)
Any answer yet ?
Sadly she now needs a medical team to walk her though all activities of daily living.
This may be the time for the family to get together and to decide if placement where there are several shifts with several people each may be the best option. Sometimes placement is the best option near the end.
The doctor spoke ( in private ) with my mother who “ did not want to be told what to do by her daughter “ . Then the doctor spoke with me and told me to place my mother in a facility . The doctor told me my mother viewed me as a child and would never listen to me . The doctor told me some people with dementia can not be taken care of by family because they won’t listen to family . This will only get worse once she’s incontinent . She will be telling you she’s dry when she isn’t . Place her before that happens . She needs to get used to the staff helping her . Know that your mother is not going to be happy about it .
You say your mother is making unreasonable demands on a regular basis , calls you stupid etc . This will affect you negatively . Place your mother . Dementia is ruining your mother , don’t let it ruin you too . You matter too .