My mom is in hospice, but at my home. She is 75 and cancer has spread everywhere. She was alert and could still eat and drink, but was in a lot of pain.

I lost my mother to Cancer when i was in my early twenty's and I can identify well your situation. If she is unresponsive then it may not - and sorry to say this - be that long before she goes and it will be peaceful and painless? That would be the best option rather than in pain and aware of what was happening? (maybe?) No one likes tablets so she would make a face. The best thing to do is talk to the doctor about your concerns and see what he says. Given the option I would prefer to know my parent wasnt in pain. Sometimes our pain may make us want things that arent in the best interest of our family member. If you mother is coherent - maybe she can choose. I would speak to her doctor about your concerns tho. Best wishes to you and wishign you all strength at this very hard time.

She’s making a face because the medicine tastes bad .

I don’t know why anyone would want to be conscious while dying . We should all be so lucky to die pain free and in a deep sleep .

You are doing a great job , and it’s HARD . Keep giving her the meds to control pain , and please let her have the anxiety medicine as well . My father in law was very anxious and we were so relieved for him when he was relieved of that even though it meant he was no longer alert or verbal . If your mom were to wake up now she may become extremely anxious and/or in pain . Death often isn’t like it is in a hallmark movie .

IMO , I think when it’s this close to the final hours , that hospice should be in 24/7 giving the meds and care . It’s very difficult for families to be the hands on at this point . I would even say it’s cruel to have families be the caregiver in the last hours . I believe at this point the families should be relieved of doing the caregiving so they can just be with and visit as a daughter , son etc . Sadly this is not the case , unless you hired a private nurse , which is difficult at short notice .

Prayers to you .

Personally, trying to make someone's death an experience for the 'family' usually ends up being an epic fail.

AT this point in mom's life, it's all about her. Her comfort, her wishes, her care and everything that goes along with that.

Trying to make the 'last moments' into some kind of Hallmark movie is pointless and frustrating. Your mom knows you're there. She is existing between this world and the next. Do everything in your power to keep her out of pain.

This is one reason why we should always try to stay on good terms with people--the grief and guilt that can come when we've neglected a relationship. or worse, had open hostilities with them--then it's too late to make it all be OK..very sad and emotionally draining.

Withholding her pain meds so she can be more coherent? That's almost cruel. Break through pain can become impossible to control. We gave daddy his morphine every 2-3 hrs whether he asked for it or not. We could tell by how he was moving, or moaning, that he was in pain. Death is the most personal experience that we humans have. Make your mom's calm and peaceful, if you can.

I’ve been exactly where you are with home hospice in the last days and hours with my dad. I was the only one to give him meds and followed the advice of our wise hospice nurse. Dad had been miserable for so long. In his last days one comment he repeated was “how much longer until I’m gone” He was so very ready. After he stopped communicating the day before he died, he became far more peaceful. Please don’t deny the necessary meds for keeping mom comfortable. I’m sure she knows your presence, love and care. This is impossibly hard to watch, but also a kind of privilege to see another out of this life. I wish you both peace in these days

Wow really Hard I Know what you are going through . My brother had stage 4 lung cancer and schizophrenia . Hospice was called in at the end he was in an excellent NH . I had to make the decision . he wasn't speaking words, his body was spasming and the tumors were growing , fluid retention and the cancer Had spread to the brain , he was having trouble eating too and His hands were not working . I wanted to do the best Job Possible as His big sister . I had a Famous Psychiatrist Dr. Peteet and the best doctor at Dana Faber and we all agreed time for hospice as the cancer Had gone to his brain . I had to make several calls and get the Social worker to Open a Ampule of Morphine because I sensed My brother was in Pain and Garbling His words . Hospice came in and took Over . That was Thursday after Noon . Friday The nurses check in with Me . Saturday I went to be with him . His feet were On the floor and he Had His arms folded over his chest Laying sideways on the bed . He said " it Hurts . " A Nurse came in and we Placed his head on the Pillow and I Left and went to bed at 2:30 Pm. That night I dreamt of My brother dressed in Black denim " Karen I am ready to go , I am ready to leave . " And in the dream I am Laying On conch shells on the beach crying . I woke up the nurse called " His breathing is getting shallow . " I said " Should the Hospice people be there ? " I got another call . Then another call " My brother had Passed . " and I called the funeral Home it was a Sunday . On Monday morning filled Out the paperwork for the funeral Home , went to the Nursing Home and got His belongings .His room Mate told me " He woke and asked for a glass of water and that he died peacefully . " It was One of the Hardest Things I Have ever had to do . Someone should be with you . I was alone In Making the decision and taking care of him . Even a Chaplain Or priest , get someone to be with you .

The taste of morphine is not pleasant that may be why she is shaking her head.
I would not stop the morphine you can ask the nurse about the Lorazepam. It is used for anxiety and if mom has not exhibited signs of anxiety that drug might be able to be reduced or eliminated. DO NOT discontinue it without talking to the Hospice Nurse first.

Stopping her pain medication even temporarily would be cruel. Why would you want her to feel the pain she is in? She might be aware you’re there but her last moments would be screaming agony. Is that what you want? Of course not!

I can promise you that people who are comatose will know if you’re there. I’ve witnessed it. They know.

A friend of mine told me his one and only regret in life was skipping one does of morphine, for his mom. She was sitting up eating and coherent, so he didn't want that to stop. He didn't give it to her and she had break though pain, (I think is what it's called) the pain got so uncontrollable and they couldn't help her.

I'm sure this is not what you want for your mom. I am deeply sorry, this is such a horrible hard time, and I'm sure you and your family want a few more minutes with your mom. I understand that. I'm not in the health care field at all but I feel like the best thing for your mom is to continue with what the nurses are doing.

Please let us know if you need anything else

Your mom is dying and for that I am sorry.
However you really don't want her suffering in the excruciating pain that having cancer all over causes, and I know you want her kept as comfortable and pain free as possible, which is where hospice comes in. Thank God you have them on board for your mom.
And they say that hearing is last sense to go, so know that your mom still is able to hear you and knows that you've done your very best with her and that you love her.
May God comfort you in the days, weeks and months ahead.

Death is usually not the perfect dream scenario we imagine where everyone is circled around their lived one and everyone is saying how much they love each other, etc.

I will assume you don’t want your mother to have a bad and painful death, please keep her on the medicine, as that is what is in her best interest.

Im sorry. It’s so hard to watch this.

It's normal for a person to have a period of unconsciousness leading into their death event.

This is not about what you want to make yourself feel better, it is about making her comfortable in her last days, whether she knows the family is there or not is definitely not in her best interest while suffering in excruciating pain.

Do what is best for her, that is the bottom line.

I know that this is a difficult time, however, please keep her needs as a priority.

Your mother is suffering a lot of pain from cancer all over her body, my friend. Why would you want her alert right now? For your sake, so she "knows" you're there and you won't feel guilt of any kind? Know that if you withhold her meds and she becomes alert, she WILL feel pain again and then you WILL feel guilt for allowing such pain to take place.

End of life is a difficult process for US to endure. It should not be a difficult process for the dying to endure, which is why we hire hospice. Both of my parents had very comfortable and pain free passings thanks to hospice, and that's how I wanted things to be. So do you, if you really think about it.

Soon your dear mom will be at perfect peace and know all you've done for her out of sheer love. I pray God helps you make good decisions on behalf of your mom now.

You’re in a tough spot. I’m so sorry. Does your mom have a fear of dying?

You have access to clergy and a social worker within hospice. I suggest that you call them.

My mom welcomed meds. She didn’t want to be in pain and she didn’t fear death.

Wishing peace for you and your mother while going through this transition.

I am sorry but cancer pain can be awful.
It is the goal and the mission of hospice and end of life care to medicate to comfort even if this mean to make one comatose and below the level of dreaming.
This is no longer about your wishes and about family. For your poor mother this is about dying and she will be very busy doing it.
As a nurse I can promise you that most do not pass with interest in their family. They are on another journey. The old expression is medieval actually, that says "He turned his face to the wall". It means they disengage.

Please seek comfort for your mother now. She knows you are there and have been. She doesn't need rewakening to be reminded you are at her bedside. This is ABOUT PEACE and relief from PAIN.

I am sorry for your grief and pain in this loss. This is the circle in life. She's lucky to have you and to have peace and good medications. I wish her peace.