My mom, 83, lives alone at a distance. She refuses to move, but is showing some cognitive and physical decline. Do I wait for a crisis?

See if she will consider regular appointments with a competent medical doctor, a dentist, an eye doctor, and somebody to check her hearing. Get the phone numbers for these doctors. Let them know your concerns... OR take her to a doctor appointment when you are visiting her. Ask for a cognitive evaluation as part of her usual physical. If she is deemed mentally competent, she is entitled to make her own decisions and live with the consequences. If she is not mentally competent, then you can talk with her doctor(s) about next steps.

Oh my goodness this sounds like mom. She is 83 and a widow. Dad died of a heart attack in their home as well. She has fallen several times and the last fall kept her in the hospital for 4 weeks. She has had 24/7 care for the last 2 months. She is down to one shift a day now and she has a Life alert neck pendant. But she "doesn't want to wear it". I told her just today that she told all 4 of us kids she would wear it if she wanted to live alone. My brothers live 2 1/2 hrs. out of town. My sister has mobility issues so it's on me, a widow and business owner. She got mad at my today because she has a doc appointment in 3 days and I already have clients on the books to tend to. When I explained I couldn't help but I would see if we could get her an Uber, she said "I'm not getting in the car with a stranger." I told her I would try to figure something else out, she said, "That's ok I'll see if I can find a stranger to help me". Dammed if I do, dammed if I don't. I has read where other people say we have to let them live the way they want to live and what happens, happens. We have to deal it then. I am so sorry you are an only child. I feel like I am sometimes because I am the only one she calls when she needs groceries, or her remote fixed or to collect her newspaper because she's afraid she will fall if she leaves the house. Please us updated to the situation. It may help others.

My mother lived in her own townhome until she couldn't. As the years went by and she became more frail and unable to do things for herself, I, as the only child and family, kept stepping in to help whenever and wherever I could - although nothing I did made her happy or satisfied. Until I couldn't do it as much anymore. She refused to have anyone come in and help (I/we tried - but she didn't want "strangers" in her home and would refuse to let them in when they did show up), and was unable to do things more and more. And I knew that the writing was already written that one of the days she would fall. I finally convinced her to wear a medical alert button in case she ever did, and although she was firmly against such 'old persons' gadget, she eventually did start keeping it nearby or on her. And yes, at 95, 'that' day did happen - she fell and broke her femur and was not allowed to return home - and in a matter of a couple months, between the fall/surgery/rehab/anger at not going back to her home, the decline happened rapidly.

But, no matter what I said or did - and I even took her to look at at least 10 different assisted living facilities - she would not budge or agree to move. And she was of the personality type that if I had forced her to move, she would have made her life miserable, the staff's lives miserable and anyone else around or near her lives miserable (and probably would have been asked to change facilities due to her 'hostility and being uncooperative'.

So yes, I had to wait for her to fall for the changes to take effect. The only saving thing in this entire scenario was that she had all her paperwork in order - will, POA, medical POA, financial POA, etc etc. But honestly, those couple months were stress hell for me as the only child and family member in having all the responsibilities on my shoulders alone.

Maybe visit less, have her wear a medical alert, and perhaps hire a geriatric care manager who could check in on her at least every other week. I did find a geriatric care manager my mother reluctantly agreed to so that they would check on her when I couldn't.

My dear, it is way past the time for you to take control.

I am a 98 year old living in a one room with bed alcove apartment in a 100 person independant living community. My two daughters both have POA of my assets however the elder does all the control and drives me as needed since she lived only fourty miles away. The younger has had a stroke five years ago and refuses to drive although not Impaired.. That's is fine.

Your situation could be out of control in an instant. One little blood clot could do it. DO NOT WAIT!! You are too far away from the situation and your husband is very wise. Take control now . Your mother is showing many signs of senility. We all do! Accept it and whether she does or not... She knows. Tell her your 98 year old friend said to tell her this: my great grandmother said that if wishes were fishes the seas would be full..and the staying there and dropping dead at home is a bunch of wishful thinking!
Your friend, Doris

This is a common situation, and if she wants to stay in her house, the best thing would be to have people come in to help her with house cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry, etc. At some point she may need help taking care of herself, taking her medications, bathing, dressing, even eating, taking her to doctor appointments. If you do this and have strangers coming into her home, lock up all of her valuables and financial papers. At that point, it would be best for you to take over her finances and have all bills sent to your address or go paperless. Of course it would be easier if she would move to a senior residence close to you, but if that's not what she wants, try to accommodate her wishes.

My husband is an only. We have these same battles. My95 YO MIL with moderate dementia must be one of the most stubborn women ever. She wants to die in her home. It is not really safe for her to be in her home alone, but we don't have many choices because she is still in charge of her affairs. We do have POA and access to her finances. We do live about 3 miles away, so we can be there fast. She will not wear her hearing aids, wear a lifeline alert necklace or bracelet, us a bath chair, allow outside help, use bladder pads or any of those things for those old people, of which she is not one. She will not allow me to take her to the beauty shop to get her hair cut/washed for 2 years now, she wears the same smelly clothes for months on end and we don't know if she bathes anymore. She has bought several unneeded car and home warranties (because she thinks they are bills.) Our best defense is security cameras which we can access via the internet. I don't know that she understands what they are. Has saved her after getting stuck in the tub, falling in her back yard. Depending on state laws, there might not be much you can legally do to force her to move. We got her drivers license taken away and took away her car keys. We haven't bought her stamps as she was trying to mail cash for another car warranty. We took away her checkbook. We pay her bills online and make sure she doesn't get mailed anything like the receipts for those. I pick up her groceries and drop off prepared food, but some places deliver groceries, so that could work. Our lawyer has advised us that the only 2 ways to get her moved are guardianship which takes a lot to get or wait for a medical event that lands her in the ER. From there, she could be placed in a facility. There is a diagnosis called change in mental status that can get her evaluated. It is a pretty common symptom in the elderly that creates an ER visit. Maybe some of these will be helpful to you. I think to a degree you are stuck waiting for "an event". IT's not safe, it's not smart, it's not even compassionate, but I don't know what other choices you have if she refuses. Talk to a lawyer to find out what your options are.

Hi there,

I have no answer, but going through the same thing. My mother is 84, we live in same state. It’s mentally draining. Im trying to take one day at a time.

As long as she can handle decisions ok. She heard so much that goes on alit of Seniors say that statement. I don't blame them.
Safety first only her in home not good. Nice you stay two months bring husband next time .
Next time you visit call Area for the Aging for assistant first . of file petition if the courts last results.

Conversing with mother's PCP for assistant lots of help and social worker. Great help .
The house is familiar and her safe Haven.
Blessings

You and I are in a similar situation. I am also an only child in my mid 70's with a stubborn Irish Mother who is over 100 years old and absolutely will not, under any circumstances, consider leaving her home of 70 years. Thankfully, her cognitive skills are still very good but she has significant mobility issues. I am fortunate (?) that I live in the same neighborhood with my 80 yr old husband (who has significant medical issues).
It's taken me quite a while to make peace with the concept of of "what will be / will be" .
Side Bar: The next person that says "You're so lucky to have you're Mom" or "You're going to live to be over 100" will be in danger of getting a very large dose of the wrath of Hedgie. Like it is lucky to have to watch your Mom suffer.

Can u persuade her to “come stay with u for the winter” and go visit some retirement communities while she’s there?