My mom, 83, lives alone at a distance. She refuses to move, but is showing some cognitive and physical decline. Do I wait for a crisis?

Christine,

Wow, welcome to Forum. Your post is so well written and is so succinct; moreover, you have thought already of so much here. You've thought of ALL of it, really.

I am 81. Myself and my partner of 35 years, 83, live still in our own home and manage everything for ourselves, but we have come to the point where our four children (he raised two and I raised two before we met) are in the 55-70 age range and starting to worry; we can tell in that we get the question "do you have plans". Partner always teases them and says "Yeah, feet first out the door". Quite honestly it is what we HOPE for, tho I would make changes were I to be alone. Our paperwork is done. Things are downsized. We still garden, walk daily, shop, do repairs, do a museum, enjoy the city, keep our health up luckily. Because THERE'S the key! Health!

But the kids know that INEVITABLY if we do not get ourselves into someplace safe, something will happen.
We all talk and they are comfortable to say their piece and we answer. Thank god I have always talked openly to my kids about end of life.

I would watch and wait. You visit frequently. Make it for shorter times perhaps. No more than a week. And a bit less frequently. Then just hope. Be honest with your Mom and use the word that YOU YOURSELF are fearful; don't know what to do to keep her safe, are worried. Use YOU and not her pronouns.

You have already suggested and tried, and this is where you are. Hopefully your Mom WILL pass as she wishes to. The shocking call will come that mail wasn't picked up and blah blah. Or you will get the call I got about my brother from a hospital saying "are you aware your brother is with us". If so try to pat yourself on the back that she went as she wished and you didn't have to take that last thing from her, her own will and decision.

I just don't know what else to tell you. If she would agree to do this, you could act; she won't. You are stuck until there is a situation of mental loss so bad it leads to incompetency and guardianship, or a physical loss so bad she understands; then placement, probably where she is as a move would be too difficult.

I wish I had a better idea. Keep trying. I can identify so with BOTH of you. My heart goes out to you, and to my own AGING kids.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It’s hard enough when loved ones live nearby, when they are far away it makes the situation even more difficult.

It becomes a burden on adult children and their families when a parent feels as if only their child is capable of doing everything for them.

I’m sorry that your mother won’t hire someone to help or move into a facility.

It’s draining for you physically, emotionally and financially to have to travel back and forth.

There will come a point in time when aren’t able to travel to her home. You have your own life to live with your husband.

It’s time to have another conversation with your mom to settle this matter before a crisis happens.

Emphasize that this is becoming more than you can handle. You must stress to her that this arrangement is no longer feasible and that you are more than happy to help her find an alternative solution.

If you make the conversation about her, she will most likely give you a million reasons why she should stay in her home.

Wishing you peace as you navigate this difficult situation.

Transitioning is hard, but so worth it in the end. She will adjust to others caring for her and then you can return to being her daughter.

Help her as an advocate overseeing her care.

HI Mom,
Instead of me traveling to you, it is time you come visit us :)

Mom, you and I both need a change. Let us entertain you down here..

Then take her around, and have the talk that needs to be done, gently.

Hopefully, she will get the message..

Or just switch it up... You fly down every 3 months, and I will fly up every 3 months, and we have FaceTime, and other video chat rooms.

do go to a doctor visit next time you are up there. Get a well check on her, and cognitive check...

My mother lived in her own townhome until she couldn't. As the years went by and she became more frail and unable to do things for herself, I, as the only child and family, kept stepping in to help whenever and wherever I could - although nothing I did made her happy or satisfied. Until I couldn't do it as much anymore. She refused to have anyone come in and help (I/we tried - but she didn't want "strangers" in her home and would refuse to let them in when they did show up), and was unable to do things more and more. And I knew that the writing was already written that one of the days she would fall. I finally convinced her to wear a medical alert button in case she ever did, and although she was firmly against such 'old persons' gadget, she eventually did start keeping it nearby or on her. And yes, at 95, 'that' day did happen - she fell and broke her femur and was not allowed to return home - and in a matter of a couple months, between the fall/surgery/rehab/anger at not going back to her home, the decline happened rapidly.

But, no matter what I said or did - and I even took her to look at at least 10 different assisted living facilities - she would not budge or agree to move. And she was of the personality type that if I had forced her to move, she would have made her life miserable, the staff's lives miserable and anyone else around or near her lives miserable (and probably would have been asked to change facilities due to her 'hostility and being uncooperative'.

So yes, I had to wait for her to fall for the changes to take effect. The only saving thing in this entire scenario was that she had all her paperwork in order - will, POA, medical POA, financial POA, etc etc. But honestly, those couple months were stress hell for me as the only child and family member in having all the responsibilities on my shoulders alone.

Maybe visit less, have her wear a medical alert, and perhaps hire a geriatric care manager who could check in on her at least every other week. I did find a geriatric care manager my mother reluctantly agreed to so that they would check on her when I couldn't.

Me, my mother, lived in the NC mountains, alone, one had to climb up a flight of stairs to get in her house. She was at the point that she could no longer drive and did not know how to use a computer or a cell phone for that matter, land line only.

My brother & I tried to get her to move permanently to Florida into AL, she refused.

Finally at age 94 she had a slight stroke, and was afraid to stay alone at night, she was calling the EMT's most every night. Well, they started charging her $600 per trip, so that ended that.

We put our foot down, scooped her up, moved her into a very nice AL near us.

Here is irony, she loves it, people her own age, activities, decent food and more.

Yes, we laid in the woods for 10 years, waiting and finally something happened, took the patience of Job though.

Good Luck!

Yes, you’re in the “waiting for the fall” club, the club no one ever wants to join. While waiting you may want to decrease the frequency of your visits to help mom see her need for help other than you. A wise social worker friend told me when I was greatly frustrated with my dad living unsafely on his own “events will happen that will force change” It proved very true, it always does. My dad had the same wish to die in his home, and he got his wish, but it did reach the point of him having to accept hiring a helper in order to remain there. If he’d lived much longer, the helper wouldn’t have been enough, it was already a questionable solution though she was truly wonderful. Meanwhile for you, take mom to an appointment you arrange with an elder care attorney and have the attorney discuss her future and needed documents, this is better coming from someone other than you. I wouldn’t tell her much ahead of the appointment. And then you wait. I’m sorry you’re in this position, it’s truly not fun at all

I would say instead of every 2 months, change to every 4 months. Stop being so reliable.

Of course we all want to stay in our own homes where it feels safe and cozy. For probably 80% of us, that is a fantasy.

It’s hard. They are difficult for many of us, and it’s emotionally hard to go up against it.

Christine,
Thanks for your responsiveness to the Forum. So many post a question and never come back and it is so crucial that we know we have a REAL person there, who is thinking about all that gets said, and feels it is of value.

I am an OLD RN with much experience of HOSPICE, the OLD hospice that was so great. We need you as end of life doula, and I am fascinated and thrilled you are doing that.

Please stick around on Forum and help us answer and give some perspective to our questioners. Again, you are so welcome here.

Virtually the same situation. My 83 y.o. mom has been living for 18 months alone in the family home with her 3 aging dogs. My sister and I want her to remain as independent as possible, but she doesn't seem to care about taking appropriate measures to maintain her independence safely. No fall detection devices or monitors. Barely knows how to work her cell phone; won't keep it with her. We had to strongarm her into hiring a much-needed cleaning person, who comes monthly (with the non-housebroken dogs, it should be more). She is having difficulty hiring anyone reliable (and cheap enough) to do her extensive yardwork. The house is in need of significant repairs, but we are just trying to limp along until "the time" arrives. She is growing increasingly lonely and bored, but still likes to drive, which in itself is a bit alarming. She is resistant to visiting any facilities with the intent to get on "the list", but understands the many benefits to them and can easily afford it. I don't want to forcibly move her, but you can definitely count me as a member of the "Waiting for the Fall" club, at which point she will have no choice in the matter and neither will we.

I understand her desire to age in place. And yes you will have to wait for 'an event" before you can force her to do anything.

As suggested I would space out your visits telling your mother that your husband is 76 and you cannot leave him for prolonged periods. Tell her it would give you great peace of mind if she would allow a companion to come in 3 times a week to check on her and to assist her with anything she needs. This way if she does have an emergency someone is checking on her physically on a regular basis. I had one for my father but he was too cheap to take her on for more than 1 day a week...yet assumed she would be 'on call' when he needed her. I could not get him to understand she needed to fill her time with other clients if he did not want to regularly book her.