My husband (age 84) does all of his own daily personal tasks, like washing up, and dressing and shaving but his memory is going. He does not remember from one minute to the next what to do next. I (age 71) make all the meals, but he will grab a half peanut butter and jam sandwich while I am making supper, because he is unwilling to wait while I make it. He used to do the dishes and pots after dinner, but now he argues when I ask him to do the pots, and he loads the dishes incorrectly in the dishwasher, which can not get clean. I do all the driving, but he insists that he is going to get his license back, which became invalid. I do all the laundry, but he asked to do it, and I showed him again how to do it, and he could not get it done without my significant help. When I try to get him to help by folding the laundry, he makes a heap in the drawer instead, insisting it is fine. He used to help with the house cleaning but now I do almost all the house cleaning, because it takes longer to help him do a task than for me to do it. Since we moved 2 years ago, I try to get him to make new friends, but he insists that I am his best friend and he does not need any other friends. He refuses to admit that he needs help, other than just me. We argue alot more now than we used to, but I am around more now, because I retired 2 years ago. I am afraid to leave the house for more than an hour or two for fear he does something like leave the stove on, or drop a glass and not clean it up well, or leave the dog in the house and not let her out, or buy things online that he can not find in the house, that we do not need. When I suggest help, except a house cleaner, he strongly argues against it. When I try to get him to go to the Sr citizen center for a club or coffee hour, or class, he argues against each. I know this will get worse, but at the moment, I can not do it all, and I can not stand the frequent arguing. And I can not afford many types of expensive help. I joined 2 choirs and they are my main outside hobbies. I want to volunteer but fear it will need me to leave him alone for too long. The arguing with any suggestion, is not clear to me how to solve. I give him choices as often as I can to give him the feeling he has some control. Suggestions?

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It sounds like it may be helpful to just let go of some of the things you are complaining about. He will not be able to do these things like he used to. He has dementia. You cannot teach to dementia. You cannot reason with dementia. He is past being able to learn anything new.

Your question is concerning. He won't admit to having dementia. Do not continually tell him or remind him. He is not able to process that kind of information. By constantly reminding or telling him you are increasing his and your stress level which will make it harder for you to function and nearly impossible for him to function at all.

Relax, and just catch your breath. Evaluate whether he would be better cared for in another situation. Attend some caregiver support sessions. You can find the on the Alzheimer's Association website.
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Other than memory loss, dementia will also affect personality.

It's wonderful that you have hobbies. Don't give them up. If your husband refuses to try to have a social life that doesn't mean that you can't. As I think you know, you can't be his everything. We can't be anyone's everything. We start to disappear when that happens and we rebel out of instinct which leads to conflict.

I understand your hesitancy with volunteering but volunteering is such a valuable way to spend some time and most places are so grateful to get volunteers. What about a volunteer job that's just 2-3 hours a week?

Do you have family that lives close? Can someone come over and spend a few hours with your husband while you go out?

Do everything you can to hang onto your desire to live your life.
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Giving choices is a great technique. Another is " Now it's time to.." not a choice but a scheduled event.

Google Teepa Snow and watch her videos.
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