I'd been at mom's house for a month & recently returned to TN to get infusion today @ 2:45 is my treatment. Her neighbor's are helping me until I return. My 81 yr old step father walked out on her 11/13/2018 & never told me or my siblings in California she'd been on Medication for this disease since September of 2016. I noticed her short term memory stuff on September 11th while on vacation this year. I'm the only one helping/taking care of mom. It's 24/7 even while I am home.
I hired an attorney yesterday to file for an emergency hearing. Help please. I'm losing it quickly & so is my Momma. She's 78, I'm 59 on Saturday 12/22/18...thxs for any and all support. I'm learning here.

This is just for short term mind you but check to see if any facility has what is called Day Care OR Respite care. This is to give you a break, rest and to make any calls or appts you need to take care of business. A social worker is a great source of help and can start to guide you. We did this with my mom while my dad was recouperating from heart surgery. Unfortunately she ended up staying due to her decline. I’ve done this on my own (with a little help from husband since he was still traveling with work and my sister passed away) 11 years between mom (until her passing) and dad now 96. Im sitting in the emergency room as I type this from his 3rd fall in a month. Each one worse. I don’t have lupus and I’m worn out so please bring in some help on this as soon as possible (day care). It’s hard enough when they are in a facility with other people taking care, you still have to be their advocate and check to see if everything is going well, let alone doing it all on your own. You CAN’T! I’ve tried. I’m not cleaning up poop or urine anymore. Sorry but if you don’t have help that’s what happens. If she is a pacer or wanderer (like my mom was) at night you are up most the night and day. I know a lot on this site do this day in and day out. They would LOVE some help if they had it. This disease does not get better and as mad at your mom’s husband as you are I kind of don’t blame him. I’ve wanted to do this myself a bunch of times but haven’t of course. Anyway, try hard to find a facility mentioned above. Remember, IF you have to move her closer to you OR your siblings, she’s going to be knocked off course by new surroundings. That’s a fact. But it will soon be her new home after a month or so (depending on how far along she is) and it will be easier. Hope financials are going to go smoothly for you (and her). Ohhh, I could write a book a lot of us could. This site is a wonderful source of information and support.
Good Luck and God Bless.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to pargirl

I don’t know what you’re getting an emergency hearing for, with that said here’s my two cents. My heart goes out to you it is overwhelming to get involved and then it’s a lot of work even when you get the hang of it. So, I would say do as much legal paperwork on your own as you possibly can or with the help of friends and avoid attorneys at all costs. Because they will suck you dry. I don’t care what they say they will suck you dry. And in the courts will suck you dry. The courts, to their credit, told me when I started this path That as I fill out the paperwork, if there is any mistake I make, they will specifically tell me the error made and specifically tell me how to fix it. Then I could re-file. That way you can avoid some of these costs. reasonably intelligent person can do this. Do a power of attorney if you can vs a conservatorship. Try to avoid that because it’s extremely expensive and the costs never end. Now getting back to just caring for your mother, if she can’t stay by herself, find reliable help or have her move in with you or you move in with her. Do you get caregiver support. Weather private or company, they will view this as a job even if they say they’re loving etc. etc. It is just a job they are not family to your family. With that said, you have to lock up all valuables anything of any value whatsoever, because they will steal from you. Sorry but you cannot think in terms of “that wouldn’t be nice or they won’t really do that. “ They do trust me. Companies charge you twice as much or more as what you could pay with private home care. Private home care has more reliability than companies but it isn’t a guarantee. You have to trust your gut, be picky. Get nanny cams they are in valuable. And go ahead and tell them you have nanny cams. the honest ones won’t mind, but there are still people who will try to take advantage of you. you need to help protect your loved ones. Enough from me. Love to you
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Reply to Lizhappens

Accept that her memory isn’t going to get better and ask yourself if you can care for her yourself. If not then start looking for a memory care place for her. Run, don’t walk to a elder care attorney who can also deal with her husband deserting her, get POA over her for any decision that must be made in her behalf. It seems as if you travel to visit, I think that I would try to move her close by to you. This will make your oversight of her care easier on you, while it won’t be stress free that will take an unnecessary part away.
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Reply to Glendaj2

At this stage your Mom should not be alone. Get her evaluated to see if she should have been left on her own and if you can afford to do it, sue your stepfather for abandonment. He is still financially responsible for her, especially after 24 yrs of marriage.

I agree that you don't know what he has been going thru but that doesn't give him the right to walk out. Is the house hers or owned jointly? I say this because if hers you can sell and use the money for her care. I read the options that Isthisreal posted. I personally would not give up my home to live with Mom. At her stage, I would not bring her to my home permanently. If she can afford it, an AL but an NH is inevitable so I may try to find a nice one. She will only get worse. She will become incontinent as time goes on. You will not be able to care for her physically.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to JoAnn29
Isthisrealyreal Dec 26, 2018
If you read the entire post, I strongly recommend a facility.

However, she asked for options and in reality it is an option, not a good one but an option nonetheless. You read from folks here that do it all the time JoAnn
So so overwhelming. Birthdays can be so overrated...maybe decide to postpone celebrating this one for a bit, though I think your mentioning it was only for age.

Seems mom's issues have been brewing for some time. Don't feel like you blew it/didn't notice. It can be sneaky, appear like normal behavior/traits until that Oh my god! moment. I'm a social worker and live with my elder elder parents and even I and their regular MD had been clueless until mom and dad went to visit my sister and the change in routine and environment made me get the 10 signs of Alzheimer's from the association.

They and their support groups can be an immense help. See if there is a chapter and a support group near you as others going through the same (or where your mother is) will have already learned and experienced the better and worst of resources.. It is very important that you understand how the lawyers operate and just because they are members of that group (as one should be) does not mean they are the one you want. Make sure they will answer a simple question without the RRR billing at their normal hourly rate (read, review, respond). We got rid of the first attorney that had an outstanding reputation.

BTW, I'm not a huge fan of this staging thing. What difference does it make? There are issues and symptoms and they just have to be dealt with day by day, although clearly planning and safety issues come into play.

take good care. of you especially!
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to gdaughter

So - you are where, your mother is where, your siblings are in California?

You are currently undergoing treatment in a different state from where your mother lives?

What is the emergency hearing about - has your lawyer started a guardianship application?

Are you in touch with your siblings?

Sorry that this is all questions and no answers; but try not to panic. There will be answers. Sit somewhere quiet for five minutes and breathe slowly and deeply.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Countrymouse
JoAnn29 Dec 20, 2018
Info on her profile. Mom in SC, daughter in Tenn and others in Cal. She has Lupus so had to go home for infusion.
🎂Happy birthday🎂 Try to have a good time with your friends and family, life moves on and caregivers need to find peace, joy and laughter wherever they can.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal

Depending on moms financial status you can do several things.

1) If she has resources, move her closer to your home and put her in a memory care facility.

2) If she is broke, bring her to your home to establish residence in your state and find a facility that accepts Medicaid and get her on the wait list, Medicaid pending.

3) Move your family into her home to care for her.

None of the choices are any good, this awful disease leaves families making choices based on the lesser evils. It is gut wrenching and the hardest thing you will ever face as a daughter. I am so sorry your family has to go through this. HUGS!

Just because her husband abandoned her doesn't mean he is no longer financially responsible. I may be wrong but I don't believe that he can divorce her because she is no longer competent. It may have become to much for him, she may have refused to take her meds, became abusive and compative. Can I gently correct you, they didn't tell you she was on medication for this. It wasn't his decision alone, I promise you she was aware at the time she started the meds and for whatever reason she didn't want her kids to know. He lived what you are experiencing, so for your own wellbeing don't be angry. But make sure that whatever she is entitled to financially she gets.

Please, please, please make sure that you interview several attorneys to ensure you all are getting the best possible representation. These 1st meetings should be free, if not, go to someone else. Attorneys that won't do free consultation are to hungry and will cost a fortune.
You really want a firm so it is a one stop shop, trust me on this.

Having personally watched 2 grandmas go through this I can tell you this is not a do it yourself in any way, shape or form. As much as you love her, this brain is not your momma. Home care is nearly impossible they require so much supervision and homes have many dangers, stoves, even crock pots. The likelyhood that something tragic will happen is high and gets higher as the disease progresses unless there is 24/7 supervision and no access to items and appliances that misused can cause fires, explosions and such. I say all of this to encourage you to seek a facility. No one will be happy about it, but she will get the care she needs and you can be her daughter and advocate. You will just be visiting at a different address.

Be gentle and kind to yourself as you make these hard choices, don't feel guilty about placing her, remember she is not the woman you know as momma and needs a tremendous amount of care that only a professional setting can provide.

Hugs, take care of you during all of this.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
dads1caregiver Jan 2, 2019
Isthisrealyreal, from my experience w Dad, courts need to declare individual incompetent. Conservator appointed has legal rights to pursue a divorce for abandonment, etc.
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I’m sure you love your mom and want to do what’s best for her. But, you are not well yourself. It’s difficult for a healthy person to take care of someone with dementia.

Are you filing for guardianship? Have the attorney also help you file for Medicaid. Mom needs to be in a facility. Your health will suffer if you continue to have to travel back and forth and take care of your mother. The help from the neighbors is great, But it’s a lot to ask of them. And, Mom shouldn’t be alone.

Good luck. Hope it all works out for you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Ahmijoy

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