My husband is done with my narcissistic parents and refuses to go to family functions now. How do I get to a place of acceptance? Is anyone else in this situation?
I’m sorry this is long, so thanks for reading… My husband and I have been happily together for 33 years, and my 93 year old narcissistic father and my 97 year old narcissistic mother have never really treated him with the respect he has given them just simply because, well, they’re both narcs. In fact, years ago, they tried several times to break us apart- typical narcs. He has tried to keep peace for my sake but after a recent specific incident of my dad treating me badly, my husband is fed up and can’t stand to be around them at all anymore. This leaves me to attend family functions (birthday and pool parties, etc) alone, hosted by our adult children. It hurts that he won’t go with me anymore, but I understand his feelings and honestly, I don’t blame him for feeling this way. Heck I almost envy him, except I love spending time with our children and grandchildren. (They all know of the problems with my parents, who still live in their own home, are fairly independent, but declining and becoming more difficult. I hate the misery they’ve created.) I am sad that my husband won’t be at our gatherings with me because of their behavior. How do I get to a place of acceptance and is anyone else in this situation?
Thanks 😊
Now he is with us, for reasons I can’t go into, apart from incredible stupidity on my part. Why did I bring a manipulative narcissistic parent into our home.? I don’t have the money to put him into care and he’s not on a aged care pension.
He has moderate dementia now, and living under our roof, he is obsequious and covertly subservient. but I wonder how much of his manipulative narcissistic personality is still there or is he really losing all of his cognitive ability.
I agree with your husband’s decision to not interact with your narcissistic parents. It’s very unpleasant for you, your kids and grandchildren but to preserve your happy marriage i would say it is a necessary evil. I wish you both peace and strength in your plight. Enjoy your husband, children and grandchildren and realise that they are the only important people in your life. The answer that Soncaringformom gave you is very good. Unfortunately I don’t have very good advice to give you.
If they ask why they were not included, be honest, tell them.
You have taught your parents how to treat you and obviously not stood by your husband, if I were him I would do the same thing, enough is enough. IMO you need to set some boundaries with your parents and stick to them.
IMO your family dynamics are all screwed up.
Your husband's feelings should be your priority not your parents.
My father-in-law thrives on family chaos. It is his entertainment as he has nothing else in his life. Even when it means hurting a son he always loved - he will do it.
Some think it is dementia kicking in but in reality he doesn't care about those family ties now. It is about the self just like a 3 year old.
You better care about your husband and get your kids in line to invite only you.
That is a tough one. Yes, I was in that very situation, with my mother and my wife.
You do not seem to want to visit your parents for _their_ sake, but only because those times are the opportunity to see your children and grandchildren.
Your narc dad is mistreating your husband because previously he could not break up you and your husband. Your dad is creating a situation where he likely hopes you will have to choose between your husband and seeing your kids and grandkids. Please keep that in mind as you continue to read this.
You have a couple choices: you can accept the strife; you can accept your husband's anger at your "narcs"; you can realize that your parents are likely manipulating your children to serve their own wants. Narcs are manipulators.
No matter what you do, there will be pain. It can be alleviated; read on.
You cannot buckle under your parents, your dad, again trying to break up your marriage and try to force your husband to see your parents.
Since hopefully your husband is loving and understanding --- you do not write that he resents you visiting your parents --- you might try to talk with him when he is in a receptive mood. You can assure him that you love him very much, that even though your parents are your parents, you recognize that they are behaving badly disrespecting your husband, that you are "your husband's" (as non-PC that sounds), not your parents'. You can explain to him your pain your parents are creating. You can ask your husband to strategize _with_you_ how to get to see your children and grandchildren without allowing your dad to inflict more pain on you, your husband, and your narriage.
Your parent's will not change. From what you say, they are narcs. You are now by your own and free choice your husband's loving wife much more than the manipulated, suffering daughter of your narcissistic parents.
Please, do not try to force your husband to give in, to accept the pain your parents are still inflicting on your marriage, on your husband, and on _you_. Your narc parents are toxic and corrosive.
You are not alone. You might want to attend (by Zoom) the support groups for children of narcissitic parents on Meetup.com. Most are free, and there are even meetings specifically by and for daughters of narcissistic parents. Other daughters of narcs who are going through that pain, or already handled it, may be able to help you, support you.
You may also consider "light" dialectic behavioral therapy (DBT) or cognitive dialectic therapy (CBT) to learn to help you deal with, accept, and diminish or even stop the pain your parents are inflicting on you. I can give you referrals to a free, professional, and excellent group that provides on-line one of these therapies.
Again, please keep in mind that likely your parents are manipulating your children to leverage the visits to manipulate you and gain control over you, likely maybe still trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband. You might be an only child, since you do not mention any of your siblings. That would be a powerful motive for narc parents to try to "own" you again.
Please, try to shake off the power that your parents still hold over you. You entered your own future when you married your husband, to build it and shape it _with_ him; your narcissistic parents are your "past." You can still love them, but they cannot own you again.
Best,
K
Let people think what they like. If they are too daft to not realize that their behavior is unacceptable and would rather believe that I, or your husband, or anybody is rude, unfriendly, or"unsociable" let them!
So what are you going to do? You've been given very good advice at this forum.
It would be nice to hear of some progress in the future. I wouldn't leave the hubs out in the cold too much longer. 33 years is a long time to wait.
I am divorced from the man I referred to in my comment to you. Maybe the OP is leaving out some of the details. That is always a possibility.
I don't want to ruffle any feathers here and truly hope people don't take what I'm going to say the wrong way and get over-sensitive about it.
The OP said she's been with her husband for 33 years. Her parents who are up in their 90s now were in their 60s when the husband came on the scene.
They were seniors and sometimes seniors from that generation like to instigate. They very likely did try very hard to break up their daughter's relationship with her husband for selfish reasons. They wanted to keep their daughter alone because they were getting older and needed to start laying the foundation in case they needed her to care for them in their old age.
Do you think this doesn't happen? My mother has tried to sabotage every relationship I've ever had. Both of my marriages, my friends, jobs, even family because that's what she does. This behavior started when I was a little kid and my father left. She doesn't want to be alone and thought that through abuse, sabotage, and gaslighting that she'd be able to keep me right under her thumb forever. It didn't work. It never does.
To me the OP's parents sound a little like my mother.
I wish you well and luck with handling your situation.
With my second husband I saw what a healthy, loving family looks like and became part of it. I'd never experienced that before because my family life was nothing like that. My in-laws did not abuse, gaslight, and sabotage their kids. They actually loved and cared about them. My MIL who is a saint and I cannot bear to put the prefix "ex" when I refer to her, did have to contend with her MIL living with them. Anyone who's read my previous post will know what I describe her as. She was a beast of a woman. Other than her they are a great family.
Grandparents are often very different to their grandchildren then they were to their own. That is a fact. Many times grandchildren know nothing but love, kindness, encouragement, and positive attention from grandma and grandpa. That's certainly the case in my family. My nephews don't understand what my problem is with grandma. I tell them is that I don't expect them to and not to be judgmental to me about things they don't know.
I think bluewillow's parents were probably very different to her kids then they were to her. That happens a lot.
Your son is of age, you two sound close and it's time to have a talk with him. Tell him what you told us here about the fake molestation allegations and the physical violence of actually attempting to vehicularly kill someone, and of the most recent incident that prompted your question.
If you can't or won't, may I ask why? Is this a matter of misplaced filial loyalty in that the grands played a bona-fide part time or greater role in raising him? Is it an issue of inheritance in that grandma/grandpa have promised to skip over you to will the house to him?
Having some family gatherings without some family members isn't an insult to the uninvited. My ILs went out with Brother and his wife all the time before the pandemic and it wasn't like a threat to SO. Even if both contingencies in the paragraph above are true, having some gatherings with only some family over there would seem like a reasonable request.
Even if son disagrees, reaching an understanding of why he disagrees will help you and he navigate what the future is with them. For instance, he may sort of think that you will go over to do the hands on--when it really sounds like you want to be mostly hands off.
Before you go down that path, stop and think, why do I "Have To?"
Because mommy/daddy says so?
Because that's what a "good, obedient child does"?
Learn to say "I can't possibly do that". And "No".
Let your self-involved parents deal with their lives.
Also, "mom, you should have thought about that before you tried to run dh off the road".
I am learning about setting boundaries too and oh boy, they’ve not been well received. Recently, my mom had a brief trip to the emergency room for a mystery ailment- no obvious symptoms, she just told my dad she “thought she was dying” so he panicked and called 911- then, she refused tests after she got there so my son and I had to go pick her up at the hospital! At that point, I told them I could not move in with them or be their full time caregiver, and I could see the shock on their faces because I really think that was their plan all along, as if I didn’t have a life with my husband- just another slam against him by their thinking that he’s not important or doesn’t matter.
Thank you for sharing and for being so helpful- you have made my situation feel less hopeless.
She is mentally ill, always has been, always will be.
Pretty early on she realized that she could 'pick' on me and nobody would stand up for me. She'd do it when we were alone--in this hissy quiet voice. My kids DID hear her and later years they'd call her out, but the damage was done.
DH, although thoroughly believing in her nastiness, didn't want to stir the pot and also LIKED that when I went with him to her place to fix something, all her anger was directed at ME and he got off scot-free. He would NOT stand up to her for me. Told me to fight my own battles.
I tried, wow, how I tried to make her at least, not pick at me and constantly criticize me. Nothing to be done. DH and his Sis and MIL are all about 80% deaf w/o their hearing aids and of course they don't' ever wear them, so it makes conversations impossible.
The final straw came when I went with DH to see her and fix some things around her house right after I had gotten the 'all clear' after cancer & chemo of 18 months. She never spoke a word to me during the 2 years of TX. And so what does she say to me, first thing? "So, when is the cancer coming back?"
That was it. More stuff happened that day, but it ENDED up with me walking out the door and never returning. DH had been there, but he didn't HEAR her, so he believed HER, not me.
I have not spoken to nor seen her in about 2 years. I don't give her any energy. This goes against my character, but I just...can't. 44 years is long enough to take the heat for EVERYTHING that is wrong in her life.
Really, it's sad. She could have had a loyal, loving friend in me. She chose this and I can't change it.
There are such people in the world (and they are always narcissists) who will go "too far" with their instigating and trouble-making.
Like accusing someone of being a child molester. That's a classic. Ot a thief, or a drug addict/alcoholic, or a pervert of some kind.
I know people like this. In fact, I have relatives like this. My second husband's grandmother was this kind of person.
Family learns to ignore these liars because they know they're doing it to get attention and because they thrive on fighting and discord. They enjoy seeing their families miserable especially if they can be in the thick of it.
With some things like child molestation or sexual harassment all it takes is an accusation. It could be the farthest thing from the truth, but the seeds of doubt get planted.
I don't know if either of you are familiar with the Harry Potter book series. If you are then you will know what dementors are. A dementor is a creature that feeds on people's misery, sadness, anger, negativity, etc... and it makes them stronger. They guard the prison.
Bluewillow's parents sound a lot like this. My husband's grandmother was like this too. So is my own mother to a degree. She wouldn't actually accuse someone on child molesting or violence because it would of course always be the victim's fault anyway with her.
I'm just saying there are people like this. As for Bluewillow's kids choosing grandma and grandpa. The grandparents could easily be covert narcissists. The grandkids may have known nothing but love and kindness from their grandparents and think dad is overreacting. The same way some people think I am when I tell the truth about my mother and my experience in my family.
This being said, who is going to call the police on their own mother? Imagine how that story would get spun around by a covert narcissist? Or how the grandkids would react? They'd turn on their parents. A poor old grandmother has the cops called on her by her own son and DIL for no reason.
Grandma would give an Oscar-worthy performance too along with getting so much attention and sympathy too from the cops.
Bluewillow's parents have put her and her husband in a tight spot for a long time. They deserve to be cut some slack.
It's just this story. The OP's responses to these parental attacks are so far out there. I also get the grandparents putting on a show for the grandkids, but come on: according to the OP, granny tried to run dad off the road! If the grands were still little, I could see their loyalty to granny and pops, but once they're grown? With kids of their own? Do you think they'd really want these Narc grandparents around their own children, to the exclusion of their own parents? Something here just doesn't ring true. Even the most self-absorbed parents ought to be seeing that something just isn't right here.
Now, IF dad molested his children, and children went to MOM's parents to talk about it- now, that would explain a lot of the out-there family dynamics.
You have a husband that you have describe as a good guy. If someone did these terrible things to him, would it be your reaction to in essence shrug your shoulders and say "well, that's just them being them." Would your reaction to your mom trying to run your beloved hubby off the road be "How crazy is that?" I sincerely doubt it. Even the biggest milquetoast on the planet would look at that behavior as simply intolerable and be done with it.
As I said, for the sake of these kids, I hope I am dead-on wrong. And I stand by my statement that the OP and family need way more help than they're going to get in this forum.
I think I might be done with this particular scenario, because I have to believe there is a lot more going on here that the OP is admitting to. And I really don't want to get sucked into the drama of "what if" and "he said/she said". This really isn't about caregiving, anyway, just dysfunctional family dynamics. And I've had enough of that in my life as it is.
Bluewillow I love your pretty teapot profile pic. It gave me cheery tonight 😀
I say time to REALLY get out of that family F.O.G.
Open your eyes. Watch. Are they nice people? Maybe with a witty but often blunt humour? Or are they nasty, hurtful, snide, rude?
I applause the husband making his own decisions on who to spend his time with.
Wat about you Blue?
"For example, one thing that stands out in my mind which happened early in our relationship is the time my mother was driving and passed my husband on the highway and actually ran her car at him, causing him to swerve to miss her. How insane was that? I should have called the police on her. Trying to start a rumor, she told her neighbor that my husband was a child molester and we didn’t find that out until many years later (of course no one believed her accusations) When she knew my husband was home and I wasn’t, she would call repeatedly and hang up on him. I confronted her about that and guess what- she denied it!".
I can't think of ANY appropriate response.
I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but now I have to wonder if, perhaps, the allegations against her husband aren't entirely without merit. I mean, she wouldn't be the first wife to turn a blind eye to a husband's molestations. This would explain the rather bizarre relationship they seem to have with their kids, where the kids are in effect choosing their grandparents over their parents.
I certainly hope I'm wrong about this, but either way, I think the OP (and really the entire family) needs way more help than she can possibly hope to get in an anonymous internet forum.
I am literally — literally — sickened, and so sorrowful for your innocent husband.
And then you breezily wrote “…of course no one believed her accusations”. How do you know that no-one believed those vile accusations?
My God, if I were your husband that would’ve been the moment I divorced you and tried to get custody of the kids, leaving you to wallow along with your sick self-absorbed, evil mother who tried to drive her car into his car, which could well have killed him. She actually tried to kill him as well as accusing him of child molestation. Don’t you hear how sick that is?
You need to look in the mirror and figure out why you, yes you, have allowed this outrageous abuse of your husband to go on so long.
And other posters, I don’t want to hear your bleeding-hearted replies to me telling me I’m harsh. This woman needs to accept the truth. Would you personally accept for your own loved one the criminal abuse lobbed at and heaped upon BlueWillow527’s innocent husband? Not one of you would.
I stand by my post.
I also applaud you for supporting him.
I only have one question - has their behavior become worse in the last years? At their advanced ages, I can't help but wonder if they have some amount of dementia that could be making them behave even more poorly than they used to.
Finding ways to get everyone together on your turf so that hubby can attend is an excellent plan. And then have events at your son's so that they can be included. Kind of awkward to have a party next door and not invite them.
My mom seems to be more subdued, mainly because of mobility issues, as in she can’t slam doors and throw books, etc. like she used to. My dad seems to have gotten a little worse and seems to delight in ordering everyone around and being demanding.
I’m confident now after reading all the great advice here that everything will work out ok!
First, I'm so proud of your husband. This is a man, with self-respect.
Btw, don't you think he'd like to spend time with his children and grandchildren?
This is your man. He's got feelings.
I don't understand how anyone, would make allowances for bad guys, and permit mistreatment of a good guy, your husband.
I've got to say it again, I soooo applaud your husband.
When your parents pass you will be left with 3 things; your memory of how crappy they were; secondly, how you ate poop, and third; the years and years of allowing them to shovel it on your husband. Shame.
You have the added benefit of knowing that family has it imprinted on their brains the memory of witnessing this sad treatment.
Honor your good guy husband. Don't go either.
Have family get-togethers without the bad guys
I'm not saying to mistreat your parents. You've got to have class.
Take and make phone calls. Keep it general. Say that you've got to go when they get stinky.
In a quiet, strong, and unoffensive manner show the younger people of your family that poop eating is NOT okay in ANY circumstance and very importantly instruct by behavior how to (not stop it, because you can't) avoid it with dignity.
Take your parents out to lunch every 2 - 3 weeks, just you and them. If they make remarks either change the subject, or where it fits say - you know why, and when they get insistent or petulant say - got to go now. There are tons of deflective one liners.
On a more practical level understand that self-centered behavior (you call it narcissism) can be redirected once you understand that it is the inevitable progression of today's society.
You are not alone. Since the 1300s western civilization has liberated itself from monarchies and powerful churches. We have become enlightened, confident, self-reliant, and independent. Not all bad. But the trends have also separated us from one another. We no longer see ourselves as part of a meaningful whole, but simply as individuals out to maximize our selfish Genes (Richard Dawkins). Now we stand on the threshold of collective challenges like climate, pandemics, droughts, and aging ... to name a few - which we are incapable of dealing with alone. What will we do in just 8 years when 78 million boomers reach their 80s? Who will care for them?
The way out of this is to bring back the value of emotions. Even people with Alzheimer's or Dementias who forget names, events - remember how you make them feel. And how they feel establishes how they behave. The human mind in old age, even with cognitive impairment still attempts to predict how it should behave in order to survive. Its behaviors of fear and aggression are nothing more than its reactions to its inner voices - opinions. Maintaining feelings of anger, despair and eventually, depression is not without cost. Especially for older folk whose bodies no longer muster the energy for it. There is a reason why scripture suggests that we forgive those who offend us. It is just easier.
To get beyond self-centeredness, I turn to the mystics of the past, who saw themselves as part of nature, part of the universe, already blessed with goodness. For those spiritual souls, it was not about being an individual with an ego, seeking ways to find the eternal, but rather already eternal beings, anchored and confident in who they are, seeking ways to be better humans. Lookup a Franciscan monk. living in New Mexico, called Richard Rohr. You are not alone in this plight, just surrounded by unawakened people.
No one has to tolerate abuse of any kind whether it comes from a demented person or one who isn't.
Being elderly does not give a person a free pass to be an a$$hole. It really doesn't.
If the cause of the abusive behavior is dementia, then there needs to be accommodations made for the care of the demented elder. That doesn't mean the people bearing the brunt of the abuse have to do it themselves. This is what AL, NH, MC, and homecare services are for.
If the person doesn't have dementia and knows what they're saying and doing, then cut them out of your life.
No one has to live in abuse.