My aging Mom has problems with incontinence and picking of scabs. Any advice?

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My mom is 91 with dementia and depression, which she is taking medication for. Has been on the same meds for several years. The incontinence has gotten worse, even bought a new washer as the underwear get so soaked with urine. Just were not getting clean anymore. I want to suggest Depends so all she has to do is just throw them out, just replace the underwear with the adult diapers, but I know I'll get the stink eye and an argument as when we talk about the picking of the scabs. I put a bandaid on one of these scabs as it was starting to swell and look really nasty, but not infected. I want to just wrap her arms with neosporin and wrap with for a few weeks. That one scab was healed in a couple of week. Took the bandaid off and showed her how well it look and still get "I don't pick!!!". I don't feel like a daughter anymore and I just feel so frustrated most of the time as I try to take care of all her needs as best I can. If it wasn't for my husband's help, I don't think I could keep doing this. He's the only help I have for now. Any advice from you wonderful people.

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Hi Jpark655
I think you have some good suggestions here. Making the depends about you, and that is her helping you could be a good suggestion. Frequently, our elderly parents feel there is nothing they can do to help us, this would be an opportunity for her to help you.
As far as the scabs, I agree that it is likely an anxiety issue and there may be little you can do other than apply bandages. I do know that constantly mentioning it will likely increase the anxiety.
At 91 perhaps she is entitled to her quirks and if you are able to let it go it may help your feelings of exhaustion. I am so glad you have support. It is easy to start to feel we are parenting our elderly parents, but that is the wrong approach in my opinion and that leads to resentments. With our children, we are trying to prepare them for a life of independence and good choices. When we are caring for our parents, their idiosyncracies may be infuriating, but they are well earned.
I know how difficult this is, for me, it got easier the less I tried to control. Please do not hear this as a criticism, I really do empathize.
Best of luck,
Margaret
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Tried the pads, she won't use them. Just need to replace the underwear with pads inserted and get the replace with the Depends.
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Poise pads. My mom prefers them because they are similar to menstrual pads, and also they make her feel more like a lady who had babies and now has a little "leakage problem," and less like someone who is old and needs diapers.  They come in a super-absorbent, extra-long size now.  Mom uses a size 5 or 6. 

Don't know what to say about scab-picking. I'll be 49 soon and I've done it all my life! Can't help myself. ;-)  Definitely try keeping them bandaged till they heal if it's causing problems like infection. 
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Regarding the Depends tell your mom that it would help YOU if she would wear the Depends. Tell her how difficult it is keeping up with her laundry and how much it would help if she would please use the Depends, for YOUR sake. Make it about you, not her or her incontinence. This tactic worked for my dad when I needed him to do something he was being stubborn about.

As for the scabs, is your mom on anti-anxiety medication? Many people pick because they have anxiety. If it keeps your mom from picking at the scabs keep them bandaged.

I know you're doing the very best you can with what you have to work with. A 91-year-old mother with dementia is very difficult to care for. I'm glad you have the support of your husband.
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