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For the last couple of years, my 85 year old mom has called me every 3 or 4 months and said she wants to move from her apartment to an independent living facility where she lives, but then changes her mind. Up until a month ago, she would then change her mind and decide to stay in her apartment. About a month ago she decided to move, the unit she wanted was available, and so my husband and I spent about 10 days, packing, going through her things with her, selling furniture she wanted to part with, etc. She seemed to like the new place, with a few exceptions. For example, she moved from a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment with a patio to a studio that didn't have a patio but did provide meals, and most importantly, that she picked out. She doesn't like the people in the the independent living facility and didn't want to feel like she was shut up in her room. We live about 500 miles apart and I've visited about every 3 or 4 months the last couple of years due to hospital stays/health issues she's had, to help her out. After living in the new place for 2 weeks, she called today and said her previous apartment is still available so she's moving back, as soon as possible and signed papers there today. It is her decision, and she didn't ask for any help or money (we had provided several thousand for the previous move; we were happy to help), and I didn't offer. I'm concerned that the same issues that made her want to move before are unchanged and she doesn't see as problems, but will complain and want me to solve. She really values her privacy and access to the outdoors which she'll have with her patio in her previous apartment, and I get that. I guess I'm just venting as we busted our butts and she's tried the new place for a short while and changed her mind, which is her right. There's no arguing with her or even disagreeing and it is her decision. She's having short term memory issues and sees herself as much more physically capable than she is. I'm retired and so can be flexible about visiting; my husband is still working and hopefully will retire in a little over a year. We have no plans to move anywhere for as long as we can, and as harsh as this sounds, and won't move where she is, given the history of her being domineering, bullying and sometimes just mean in recent years to me, my husband and two daughters (grown, married, etc). There are no other family members that can help, as I am my mentally ill brother's guardian and my dad has passed away several years ago. I can continue as we have, doing what I can from a distance such as ordering groceries weekly, coming up with ideas to solve things, which sometimes she likes or as often as not, criticizes, and visiting to help when she has medical issues. Last year, she thought about moving back here, so I looked at apartments for her, but then she changed her mind. Like I said, this is her decision, but I guess I just worry that she needs more and more support but won't accept what's available, except she did accept temporary home health care following a couple of hospital visits in the last couple of years. I don't know what to do or that I even can do. Thanks for reading and letting me vent.

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"She's having short term memory issues and sees herself as much more physically capable than she is".

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That sets off warning flags for me. May be minor, but maybe some decline in judgement, processing & planning?
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my friend moved her FIL into a facility 15 minute drive from home. She is moving her parents into the same facility. and now her great grand aunt needs help, so thats on the list of things to do to move her from east coast to west coast. yikes. She cannot move her yet due to covid.

She has her plate full, luckily she retired just in time to take care of her aging parents and relatives.
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YUP, GET THE POAs done. If you can, and/or want, tell her you need to be her bank accounts if you are not already. I would move her closer to you, to keep her near you. I moved my mom and my aunt in a 6 pack together. They were in different rooms, and one with ALZ and the other with dementia, so.. It was a ONE STOP SHOP for me. My doctor appt. was a bit after, and he asked what happened? I looked a bit calmer. I told him i moved them together, so it was easier on me. It is only a 5 minute drive from home, and a 20 minute drive from work. easy, close, and together. i would be a complete wreck if I didn't have them close within a 10 mile radius from home or work. And i found this one a 5 minute drive .
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Beatty Aug 2020
Well done MAYDAY! I hope to do same (if it all falls on me - & it sure looks that way..)

A woman I met years back was sharing care with her sister of their Dad (adv Dementia). All spread out across the city - endless driving. When they looked at what they really wanted... 💡 decided to move. Chose a smaller town, beachside, relaxed vibe. Took Dad too & settled him into his new memory care place. Walk most places or 5mins to drive, able to spend much more quality time with their Dad.

Inspires me when people make the changes they need.
(Coz too many just say "but.. but.. but..")
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Well you have helped her once to move. You, nor probably she, could have known that she would move back so soon. Let her spend her own money in future. As soon as it is gone, she will of necessity have to change course. If you don’t already have her POA etc it is time to get that set up on your next visit.
Count yourself fortunate that you have had her assistance in editing her belongings. There is value in that exercise even if she does move right back in.
Its a learning process for sure.
Your job is to let her live her last independent days and catch her when she needs you on the flip side. Get the paperwork in place.
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