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I am keeping up both our homes and have taken a leave of absence from work. I have to go back in a few months and want to bring my mother to my house and hire a caregiver during the day. Has anyone tried to move someone in stage 6? She knows me about half the time and sometimes does not know her own home. Every time I bring her over to my house for a visit, she doesn't recognize it. I don't want to cause her to decline, and I may have to move her again in the future if I can no longer take care of her.Any advice would be appreciated.

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You're right, igloo572! It's not just the personality of the person you are caring for but the caregiver also. In my case, it's actually my mom that I am caring for and it was my daddy that died from Alzheimer's in the past.

My daddy had a saying, "Never worry!". Everyone was so used to hearing him say it that the people at the school where he worked gave him a plaque with the saying on it. I grew up with that and for the most part, I am able to follow the advice. My mom was not one to get upset easily either - she was very laid back and never got caught up in emotions. She loved us all dearly and made sure we behaved but both she and Daddy did it without yelling or hitting.

In addition, I have spent my life first raising my children and then basically being "a mom" at work. I was an executive assistant for over 20 years and my job was to take care of everyone. No task was too big or small, too important or not important enough. If it needed to be done, I just needed to do it. I also had to put up with the good and the bad as far as people's behaviors and just go with the flow. I think all that just prepared me for what I am doing now.

So, I'm very lucky. Mom is more amiable than Daddy was when she was caring for him and at the same time, when she does get angry and throw things at me or cusses at me, my life's lessons have taught me not to take it personally because she is not striking out at me in particular, just to the situation. The viewpoint helps tremendously!

I may change my tune when the end stage hits - we'll see - but at this point in time I am very happy that my husband and I made the decisions we did.
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JollyJ you've really hit it on the head regarding personality.

Both the personality of the elder parent and their family. Some are easier to care for - you're MIL seems to be a happy, content person who probably has been that way all of her life.

While her late husband would have been quite the handful to deal with.

And then there's the caregivers. Some of us truly enjoy the caregiving aspect and it's chores and some of us don't. You have to be realistic as to whether or not you're cut out to do it
24/7 solo or with a spouse.
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Wow! These answers really run the gamut!

In May of this year, in four days time, we made the decision to move my 94 year old Mom from her home of 24 years (my brother's) to our home. We moved her bedroom furniture from there into her bedroom here to help with the transition. She was confused for awhile and it actually took a few months for both of us to settle into the routine and her change of location.

When we moved her, I knew she needed someone 24x7 but I didn't realize she was in stage 6. My brother lives an hour away so we were never with her for a long enough period to really know the situation. My brother didn't actually realize either because 1) he was too close to the situation and 2) he works during the day and she was always alone.

I'm glad I made the decision. Actually, my husband made the decision to move her in and he didn't even realize how bad she was. He just knew she needed someone 24x7 and I was able to retire and willing to do it and God love him, he's a fixer.

We've had our trials. The book The 36 Hour Day definitely helped me learn to handle various situations and understand what might be happening. This forum also has helped.

To make it work, I keep us on a regular schedule of getting up, eating both meals and snacks, activities and bedtime. I figure my job is to keep her active during the day (although at 94 I do allow some snoozing) so that she will have a better night's sleep. I also have quiet time after dinner. She and I sit down and watch TV - she may not watch but will sit with me if I am sitting. As long as I'm not up moving around, she doesn't get agitated and she seems to wind down nicely to bedtime. We've also added safety locks to cabinets and drawers and a hallway gate to keep her safe and help us sleep at night.

Will this always be the case? It might or might not. How the dementia manifests is based on the person's personality. My mom was a stay at home mom, didn't drive but ran the household. Once she got used to me running the household, she has settled in to the fact that I do that.

My father had Alzheimer's and was a captain in the Navy during the war, a teacher for 35 years and a farmer. He was used to being in charge of a ship or a room full of teenagers. His stage 6 was much different than Mom's.

So, I wish you the best with your decision. I, like others, would suggest that you get a care consult from the local Alzheimer's Association to help you think it through. If you are the praying sort (I am) then I would say pray about it and listen for that still small voice to tell you what to do. If not, then meditate on it to get your gut feel about what you need to do to feel comfortable with the outcome.
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You need to be realistic about what you can & can't do.
What you can and cannot afford both financially and physically
and emotionally.

Sounds like you are doing all this on your own without siblings.
It's tough. You really need to speak with her MD's and your spouse and your kids and an elder care / dementia specialist. If you have a husband & children & siblings, then you need to have a family pow-wow so that everyone is clear on care and finances and how their home will change once mom is there.

How flexible is your job? In this economic climate, employers don't have qualms about getting rid of employee who aren't
focused on their company. Can you afford to lose your job? if you need to be at home with mom, or run to the house if something happens, or a caregiver doesn't show up is it OK with them or will that give them cause to let you go?

If she has health issues above and beyond ALZ that needs to be taken into account. ALZ stage 6 is a 24/7 on call situtation and it never gets better. Couple that with diabetes or heart issues and there is alot of health monitoring to be done.
Can you do that and/or can you afford to have caregivers to do that? What can mom do?

If you haven't legally set up medical and durable POA, you need to do that ASAP. You mentioned having both homes to take care of - how is the maintenance & utilities on mom's being paid for? If she is fortuanate enough to have income to pay for things, you want to have the elder attorney do a personal services contract for you to compensate for your time.

If you are paying for everything and co-mingling your and her $$ you really should talk to the attorney about how to set all this up. Unless she has a huge estate, at some from now she will run out of funds and you do not want your assets attached/pledged to her care. I've gotten flack on this forum for this point of view but you really have to think about taking care of yourself and your family first and foremost.

The respite care is a great suggestion. This could be a way to have her assessed by a geriatric team as to what her true needs are. Multiple homes are great but require time, can you deal with yard and other maintenance issues on your own?
Can you rent her house if she needed income?

Perhaps also while she is away at respite care, you can have her house evaluated by realtors for sale and what needs to be done & paid for before it can go on the market and find out how the market is moving in her neighborhood. My experience is that they have put off needed repairs on their homes so the children find that there needs to be a new roof/water heater/foundation, etc so that there is a huge amount of $$ in repairs to get the house to be at the comp's sold. The level of repairs needed may make the house unsellable for FHA or VA loans which is the majority of buyers. If push came to shove, what could you sell her house for and would it be worth doing so or better to let the state lein it to pay for her care?

Perhaps you will find that she is best taken care of in a SNF,
if so, start putting her on lists as you want to find a place that
you feel 100% about. The good ones always have a waiting list.

This is alot to deal with. You can't do it all yourself. There will be a local senior/area council on aging to help you. Contact them to work with you to make things work for your mom. It's your tax dollars so take advantage of it.

Good Luck!
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I moved my 88 yr old Dad to my house, and he died here, and it was worth it. It is essential to hire help. You cannot physically and logistically do all of the direct care 24 hours a day--you will get sick. Hire someone for 8 hours a day for 4-5 days a week, and help them learn to be good workers, and be nice to them, and you should be able to handle this situation. You can sleep well at night knowing your parent is under your roof and not at the mercy of underpaid strangers.--NINA BUTTS, AUSTIN TX
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Literally looking death in the face, every day, sucks.
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sometimes not only the caregiving but money is an issue- my father passed away 7 years ago - we kept him at home for many years- at the end he was in a retirement home- 4,500 a month not included his medicine - personal items etc- and it probably a lot more now- we were lucky to have long term care that covered at least half of that amount. My thoughts and prayers are with you- i read the book the 24 hour day and tried to be informed about the disease- but no one can really prepare you for the journey .
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naheaton, I don't know why either that people think caregiving must be done in their home at the expense of their own mental as well as physical health, employment, as well as sometimes marriages, children, grandchildren, their own homes, as well as their own retirement money.

seraphim, I would listen to the gut feeling you have over this nor only fear of how it will impact her but also how it will impact you and anyone else living in the house. It sounds like a visit to the doctor is the next step to get a third party, objective opinion about what is the most reasonable step for her well being and yours. I wish you well.
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Hi-At stage 6 with Alzheimers-moving you parent can be very tramatic to both you as well as to her...I would advise you contact your nearest chapter of the Alzheimer's Association for their input-and possible assesment of the situation---they also have a 24/7 helpline (800) 272-3900. Unfortunately with AZ things usually do not get better-so you may want to prepare yourself and reach out for as much support as possible.
Best to you on this journey~
Hap
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I brought Mom to live with us...and it's not easy. Without my niece and husband, I don't believe I could have managed. If you will be the only one with her after work, you will need to be alert all of the time. Sometimes she will want to go home, go out, not feel well, ask questions over and over, want to walk out the door-simply the endless attention she will need may make holding down a daytime position too difficult. Unfortunately, my mom seems to "wake up" after 5 pm. Even when she was at the daycare facility all day, and walked a lot, she would sometimes be overtired and restless-demanding to go home for hours. So many things change with Dementia or Altzhiemers-even how well a certain medication works. Tranquilizers or sleeping pills can have the opposite effect..or your mom (if like mine) will STILL try to walk and that's just dangerous for her and more for you to be watchful about. Honestly, it's a lot for any one person, especially if your mom can still get around on her own. If you could find a place near your home, she would likely be happier around a variety of other people, with activities. You can always try...not recognizing your home would be just one of those things...she might settle in just fine...with a personal daily caretaker.. and THEN you could go the nursing home route later. Whatever you decide, don't feel guilty. You sound like a thoughtful, caring daughter who will do the best thing for your mom. It's a tough thing to go through...I love my mom...I miss her wisdom, friendship, companionship and all of her unique special qualities. As frustrating and debilitating as the disease is, there is a reason and a purpose.... It's not so much about what they understand...but about us.. and the quality and kindness of those caring for them
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if you do decide to bring your mom into your home, it may be a good idea to start with some respite care right away, and to be consistant about bringing her in to a good respite facility on a regular basis. Not only to avoid your own burn-out, but to get her slowly used to the idea of the facility, so that if the time does come that you feel it is the right thing to do to place her permanently, it may not be such a shock for her.
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If you think you may need to use a facility for your mom later, then I suggest doing that instead of moving her into your home. My mom has stage 6 Alz too. I have her on waiting lists at 2 facilities (both specialize in memory care). It's better for them to go to a facility while they still may be able to learn who the people are taking care of them - less scary.

Unfortunately, the facilities near me have approx. 1 year waiting lists. I suggest you start looking at places now and, if needed, put your mom on waiting lists at the ones you like.
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This is a hard one, you must be able to take care of yourself. I got very sick in taking care of my mother because I did not take care of myself. I would suggest you pray about the decision and follow your heart. Prayers coming your way. Bridget
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if you are planning on going back to work - that will be difficult. Our father was more awake at night than during the day . Tried to care for him at home for many years- sometimes I had to sleep on the floor in front of the door to keep him from leaving. It is physically and mentally draining job being a caregiver- I would recommend a facility that has a unit for Alzheimers patients-
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Yes, I placed my dad in a nursing home for 3 months while I built an addition that would suit his needs at my house. Even though I took him supper every night and tucked him in, when I brought him home at Christmas to stay, we was beside himself. Even though I felt the facility was not as good for him as home, he was miserable because he was use to the facility. He died three months later but remained happy in that facility. It was hard on me going up there every night, but it was the best thing for him...not me! Don't regret my decision but I regret the disease. My mom now lives with me in the handicapped side of the house.
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Why don't you just move her to a facility close by to where you live......I agree that having our parents living with us isn't always the best solution........ My mother is much happier in her assisted living facility than she would be living with me....When I go to visit her now she tells me to call first because she might be busy......
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If you are physically AND mentally able to take care of your mother, It is the RIGHT THING to do, but it might not be the BEST thing to do.. It mostly depends on HER medical condition, is she being watched on medications? Does she require around the clock care? You need sleep, too. And the other side of this is that you won't feel guilty putting her into a BAD home...there are places that violate the law and hurt the people we love, so if you do choose what my mom used to call the worst choice "dont you put me in a nursing home!" then take it for what it is, it isnt her home or yours, and there are people that work there that really dont like their job. And all the people in a nursing home are not at the same level as she is. I went to visit my mother in a nursing home and at first, she wasnt like them, but as the disease of Alzheimers progressed, I realized how grateful I was for the loving staff that took care of my mom
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You can take care of your mother and NOT have her living with you. Why do people always think they have to have the person LIVE with them in order to take care of them? I don't get it.
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Seraphim, PLEASE consider, fully, the stress it will cause YOU. I know it doesn't seem like the right thing to be worried about at this time, But it is.
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