At risk of sounding selfish, am I wrong for having an issue with my mom's caregiver (who is employed through an agency) eating my mom's food?

My first inclination is to say no. She should not be adding her items on the grocery list and doing laundry at your Mother's home. The meals can be included if they are they same things your Mother eats. It is not your responsibility to ensure that she eats or that her laundry is done unless she is a 24 hour care giver which I do not think she is. You probably have to work and cannot take care of her daily so hiring someone for her is honorable as she is on a fixed income and likely cannot afford the care? I do not know enough details but I have experienced enough to know these facts. The rest of society does not get to eat three free meals and to do our laundry at work. If you allow this it is a courtesy which you do not have to do being that she did these things without your permission. People take advantage of the elderly all the time unfortunately and it's wrong. Your intuition is telling you it's wrong, don't ignore it. I would not confront the caregiver. I would ask for another caregiver or find another agency. Some people are immature and petty and do not want to see where they are wrong. They will not be accountable. I do not want your Mother to potentially suffer. God Bless you, hope this helps!

It needs to be specified what a paid caregiver can and cannot do from the beginning--limits must be set. This includes the area of lunch breaks. It is not ethical to just take things from their employee's house such as food, which is stealing. Food is NOT cheap, and the price of food is going up.

You need to talk to this paid employee about house rules. I would even put it in writing. If they continue, I would terminate them. I would not want someone around who is taking food or whatever without permission.

House rules are VERY important to establish.

You need to find a caregiver who speaks the same language of your mom or You need to become your moms daily caregiver. I have been caring for my mom for almost 3 years & 9 months. Its a big commitment to become a caregiver. Changing caregivers frequently is not a wise idea at all especially for your mom.

I would have no problem with the caregiver eating meals with your mother even if that is 3 meals a day. Putting items on the grocery list that she prepares and does not give your mother is a no-no.

The caregiver may not have a washing machine at home and that may be why she is bringing her clothes to wash. If it does not interfere with her caring for your mother it's not a problem. However she should have asked your permission.

You should know what items on the grocery list are for your mother's benefit and what are not. Only get items that benefit your mother.

The agency are probably finding it hard to get staff and that's probably why they did nothing. If you can't find another caregiver take steps to ensure she does not get items to use for herself only on the grocery list.

There's no problem with her having 3 meals a day if she ensures your mother eats well. Let her use the washing machine once or twice a week but no more. The quality of care your mother gets is a priority.

@cpell,

WOW. You are a very angry and pathetic person. That's very sad. I don't know what planet you're living on. Yes, I admit that I am burned out on caregiving. I would have thought my screen name 'BurntCaregiver' would have given that away. Maybe you're the one who struggles with literacy issues not me. I'm done in the paid caregiver field and soon-to-be done with being an unpaid family one as well. Believe me, I rejoice. However, I was a professional in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. I know every story and every situation.
The OP went the extra mile for her mother by having cameras installed so she could watch the caregiver who likely earns minimum wage with no benefits. That's not a bad idea if a family is respectful about it. Yet there's no consideration for her mother who can't even communicate with the caregiver because she doesn't speak English. Hour after hour with a person you can't even have a conversation with. The poor mother's life must be a real pleasure. Or if she's ill can't let her caregiver know.
Yes, your language is aggressive. Ridiculous would actually be the more accurate description.
Is the rude advantage-taking caregiver a live-in? If she's there for three meals a day, that sounds like a live-in.
Would you expect a live-in caregiver or one putting in so many hours that they take breakfast, lunch, and dinner at work to bring their clothes to a laundry mat when there is a washer and dryer right there?
What's the caregiver supposed to do with her client when she's off washing her clothes somewhere else? Bring the elderly client who can't communicate with them to the laundry mat. SMH...
I would say that you are very likely a person who goes through every caregiver an agency has.
Sorry, but you're not so special that there will be 'Downton Abbey' quality servants to wait upon your every need and demand. I'm going to take a wild guess here and say you probably couldn't afford that kind of help anyway. Who can though?
I pity the poor wretch who has been brought down so low by life that they have to work as a caregiver for the likes of you. I think I'd tolerate your crap for all of five minutes before walking out the door and leaving you with a parting message of two words. One starting with a great big and the other with a nice..
Yet, I was employed as an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. Some of those years agency-hired, most in private-pay working for myself. Never been let go from a position. Never replaced for a reason other than cheaper help was found, and never walked away without a sterling reference from every agency or private family I ever worked for.
I'm going to do my daily mitzvah (good deed for the day) and give you some sound advice.
Good and trustworthy caregivers like myself do not stay long with people like you. I don't know if you need caregivers now or don't. If you do, I most strongly suggest you put away the Victorian-era 'lord/lady of the manor' attitude towards your help or you're going to be out of luck finding and keeping decent help.
Have a nice day.

Ask the agency. I have a feeling thats a biiiig no no. Its considered compensation when you buy for them. You need a new caregiver.

Yes. I've been there as I'm disabled and have experience dealing with lazy aides who take advantage. Putting everything on tape and notifying the agency are good first steps. Now I think you need to contact APS [Adult Protective Services] and the BBB. If the agency hasn't responded to your concerns about the aide sent to care for your mom, I'd start wondering if they're hiding things. I'd also start shopping for a new agency. As for having someone to look after your mom now, does she have neighbors or other family members who could help out for the time being?

Good luck.
Colleen

ForReal,

Clearly your intention is only to inflame the people here with your nonsense and aggressive language.
You do not know what the caregiver situation is with the OP's mother.
The mother could very well have given her permission about the food and use of the washing machine. She could very well have also insisted.
If you knew the first thing about being an elderly caregiving, you would know that many times the sweetest, loveliest elder will insist that their caregiver eat what they want, or use what they want, or ask them to bring their kids to work, or accept money and gifts from them.
The second that caregiver's shift is over or it's their day off they are a live-in, the sweet and lovely elder will tear them down to whoever will listen. They will accuse them of everything from stealing to actual abuse. So much of the time the caregiver gets in trouble when they did nothing wrong. All they are guilty of is believing bit of show timing from an elder when they shouldn't have.

PeggySue,

You are exactly right. Forcing the caregiver to take their meals with the client is indeed depriving the worker of their lunch/dinner break. This may be the agency's 'policy' but often times company policies are contrary to a state's labor laws.
In my state, it is the law that anyone working an eight-hour day must get two (15 minute) breaks a day and at least 30 minutes for lunch. Years ago I worked at a lovely AL facility. The administrator instructed me that I was to take my lunch with the residents in the dining room. I refused. I was good at my job and did it well. I needed that 30 minute break during the day. I was honest with the administrator that it was wrong to expect me to eat my lunch with the residents in the dining room. Who could choke down a meal while several people are picking up the food like animals and slopping all over the place? Or the ones who constantly burped and farted? We had more than a few of those.
The administrator didn't take her meals in the dining room. Neither did her two assistants, the receptionist, the maintenance people, or anyone else. I stopped eating lunch for a while and would eat a snack at my desk in my tiny office which was pretty much a desk, phone, and the cabinet where the resident meds were kept.
She wanted free supervision for the residents while they ate. I did not get paid for lunch. It was the facility's 'policy'. I took this up with CT Department of Labor and it turns out that 'policy' was illegal. I had a right to take my lunch wherever I wanted. They also had to pay me for all the lunch breaks I was deprived of.
I encourage all agency-employed caregivers to have regular communication with their state's labor department. In caregiving, agencies and facilities alike will make a 'policy' and present it to their workers like it is law. Many times, it's not even legal.

Why do you assume the caregiver would “be mean to her”?
Assumptions can and often do lead to false conclusions
Your post says your mom doesn’t ask. Another assumption is she isn’t interested in whatever food the caregiver is eating at the time.
Caregivers are notoriously underpaid and often under appreciated as well. She’s doing one of the most important things caring for your mom and struggling w the reality of the very low income agencies give their caregiver employees. If it were me I would be more than happy to let her eat meals while she’s there and would’ve taken the initiative to ask her on my own if there’s any particular foods she likes.

I think this care giver is taking advantage. Especially if she never asked first to do her laundry and eat the food your mom's fixed income buys. I would address it and ask for a change.

In my mind, It depends….I have been the live in caretaker for 5 years for my significant other . 2 1/2 years ago I had a knee replacement. Shorty before that he had gone through a period of many falls. He has dementia. My girls came to take care of us but when they left we needed somebody to take care of him until I was up on my feet .. He also looked in on me to make sure I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. That young man came in through an agency and he is still with us today. He is no longer with the agency. He’s got his nursing degree now and is working at a local hospital . He is married with 3 kids. He is here Sunday mornings for 3 hours and I consider him a friend . He gets along very well with my man and I have a muffin ready for him every week .
If your mom gets good care from this woman and likes her , a simple statement like” we would like you to bring your own food with you “ might be all you have to say . You might also let her know there are cameras there , too. If she’s uncomfortable with that, she will leave. Good help is hard to find ..

If Dad's caregiver cooked healthy meals from what we bought, we encouraged her to eat with him. Other food I don't think it's right but she would have him order lots of pizza so she could take a pizza home like twice a week. we didn't find that out until after he was incapacitated but I was mad about that because he shouldn't be even eating pizza when he is on a low sodium diet. OK like maybe a slice but not a whole pizza! Erg I think it depends a lot on context.

Right now the priority for me is to have the best possible care for my husband.
Workplace shortages, economy, inflation, created conditions which nobody could predict and most of us are not prepared for.
Paying good caregiver and appreciating that person, after all, doing it myself I know this is hard work, so now in addition to burden taxes, vacation pay, statutory holidays, WCB ins, some extra like meals is not big deal. It is that delicate balance of workplace and workplace being at home, but to exclude somebody from eating, well, this is not manor house and they not servants to eat later. We won’t be eating filet mignon or caviar and champagne is not going to be served, it will be more of meatloaf and meatballs dishes.
Seriously, I prefer a person who will be here doing good job, so important at this point.

You are not wrong. My husband has caregivers through an agency and I have worked for an agency. I was trained that caregivers are not to engage in any personal activity in the home. If the caregiver is there for more than 4 hours they can eat a meal. But, they are to bring their own food and eat when their client eats. That means after their client has their food in front of them. Eating is a social event and having someone to eat with an elderly person can prompt them to eat. Your caregiver is stealing food and the use of your appliances from your mother. I would have to ask what else would she help herself to after she becomes more familiar. You should call the top person in your agency to let them know you have reported this and request a different caregiver be assigned. You can change agencies. Don't let an agency hold your mother captive in her own home!

Oh yes.....I had a caregiver 2 years ago who was helping herself to our food. The first inkling I had was when my mother said to me "it's not your responsibility to provide food for these girls". I didn't act on it because I wasn't sure. Then one day I walked in and the caregiver had defrosted some hamburger meat and was cooking herself a big juicy hamburger - and making a mess in my kitchen. Her excuse to me was that it helped my mother to eat her food if she had someone to eat with. I let her go.

I had a different caregiver stealing toilet paper back in 2020. I caught that on my driveway camera. I would have given her some if she had asked. She's also no longer with us.

All of that to say.....if I were in your shoes, the caregiver would have to go as soon as possible. Plus, if you're even a little bit concerned that she would "be mean to her", that is another reason to give her the boot. Quickly.

She is obviously untrustworthy and is taking advantage of the situation. I wouldn't let her near my mother.

Peace.

Absolutely unacceptable. That is theft of food and theft of services for the laundry. Call the agency and have them address it and make sure that if the caregiver had a key that you change the locks.

LLJQ1023: This is unacceptable.

Ask the agency for a new caregiver. This is unacceptable behavior. The caregiver should bring her own food and not use your mom's home for her own needs.

It's inappropriate and unprofessional. I don't care what anyone says to the contrary.
If she were working at a nursing home, would she be doing this at work? I think not.
Certainly, adding things for herself to your mother's shopping list is embezzlement. Theft. That is not petty, or pithy. You're describing criminal and unethical behavior.

The same thing applies to bringing her laundry there and increasing your mother's utility costs, and wear and tear on her equipment.

I don't care how petty or picayune or "small" people might think these issues are. At a professional facility, paying the same or less an hour, you would be fired, and likely arrested, for these thefts and thefts of services.

First I would figure up the cost of the food that she eats at your house each today Plus what she wants you to buy on the grocery list. Then I would sit down and have a talk with your mom's caregiver. I would add up the costs of all the food that she consumes and request and figure out a per meal cost that would cover the expense she encouraged your mom. During your talk with her I would advise her of the amount of food she's eating per day and what it cost per meal to feed her. Logically I would explain to her that you expected to feed her once each and every day because
she is there during the lunch hour. Logically I would explain to her that you expected to feed her once each and every day because she is there during the lunch hour. But I would explain that feeding her 3 times A-day is becoming very cost prohibitive to you and if she continues eat 3 meals A-day you are now charging for the 2nd and 3rd meal she eats at your Mom's house each day.. Like most jobs the employee is expected to eat breakfast before they go to work and then have supper when they leave work and explain it common sense to her or she can't argue with.. By giving her the one meal you're sounding Very logical and adding the bonus to her work day.. That's my thought on it.. I hope it helped and good luck because I'm also Having problems with my caregiver as well. Linda

PS. My husband's thought on this mess is to simply contact the agency she works for and explain the situation to them and let them deal with it. That's a second thought and also a very very sound. Hopefully one will get the results you need.

What did the agency say when you told them about the meals...and I hope you told them about the laundry,too.

Call the agency you hired her through and ask for clarity on what is expected as benefits of the job: are meals a benefit or is she just mooching. Would she understand why it's really not fair or reasonable when the patient is on a fixed income and dependent on you for necessities?

Had a similar experience with the aide saying my Dad wanted pizza! You need to fire that person.

Why not ask the caregiver what the accepted practice is regarding meals. Does the caregiver have a long shift? How many days a week does she work? Would it be hard for her to find time to do her laundry on her own time? Is she a kind and good caregiver except for the food and laudry? It's not easy to get caregivers these days, and they don't make a high wage, especially when working through the agency. Food prices are also rising. You may want to accommodate the meals and laundry as much as your mother can, with her budget. Is your mother underfed? Would she like the things that the caregiver is cooking for herself? Maybe the meal plan would be something to discuss with the caregiver, and also that your mother has a limited income.

Good grief.

We would be dismissed immediately. Taking food to this extent isn't just bending the rules (the rule in our service is: no gifts or hospitality of any description), it does actually amount to theft.

The agency has been made aware of the issue... What do you mean? Have you stated in terms, preferably in writing, that you have footage of this worker taking and eating your mother's food, adding items to her shopping list that are not for her benefit, and helping herself to three square meals a day... I can hardly believe what I'm typing.

Anyway - you told the agency this, and they said what, exactly?

As a longtime caregiver, I found that you would usually not want to eat the client's food because you never know when the family will be hiding the client's medication in the food, and you wouldn't want to use their washer/dryer because you don't know what medical issues the client might have. Usually the clients will offer these things to you, and you know to refuse. Unless there was some issue that the caregiver was vomited on or some other way soiled during work and didn't have a change of clothing or access to her own way of doing laundry? Unless she really needed to eat and for some reason could not bring her own food? If there is an issue with the cargivers salary that she doesn't have food, perhaps talk to your parent and ask if she is offering the food and laundering? Being a caregiver does involve lots of extra doing laundry and there is a cost involved if it's not offset by the agency. Your Mom might have offered if it might have meant the difference to the relationship with the caregiver. It can be a good idea for family to be involved enough with the family member to know the situation, and to get to know the caregiver if they are comfortable with them. It can be hard to find a good fit with the caregiver and client and if they are happy with each other they might have come to their own arrangement so each is happy. Find out if your mother is uncomfortable with the caregiver or if she would be uncomfortable with the idea of changing caregivers instead.

I’ve never had a caregiver eat my food, unless I offered it.
No! You’re not being selfish.
They always brought their own food. Now… you have the horrible dilemma of stopping it delicately.
If it were me, I’d talk to the agency. If she/he is self employed, well… that’s a different situation. I guess it depends on how much “extra care” they do for you. If they are expected to do laundry, wash dishes and other things (like a house cleaner- that’s above and beyond care) then yes. You should feed them meals.
Its kinda up to you and the quality of care she receives

I’m not at all surprised to see commenters on both sides of this question. My answer was going to be I could go either way depending on the circumstances. I understand your point of view that agency employees should behave professionally especially with what you’re paying. But the employees are, in the end, just people. And they are not very well paid for what’s expected of them. The three meals a day wouldn’t bother me at all, obviously she is there at all three mealtimes. It’s probably more than worth it for your mother to have the company, no? Plus if she’s actually cooking, it’s not really much more expensive to cook for two. (Not so with frozen dinners I know). Same with the laundry- if she’s doing your mother’s laundry, throwing in a few of her own things doesn’t seem like a big deal. Different story if she’s bringing over a whole family’s laundry, of course. The one thing I do have a problem with is ordering things for herself on your dime. Is this done regularly, or was it just once? I could see a scenario where she thought your mom might like something but was wrong.
I’d say if it bothers you speak up and say something to her. Don’t get her in trouble with her employer unless it’s something you’d dismiss her for. Give her a chance to explain or change her habits first.

it is so hard to find a good caregiver these days. just talk to her. It seems she spend a lot of time if she is eating breakfast, lunch and dinner. if your mom has gotten used to her and she is nice to mom, please do not change so quickly.