I am so frustrated with my mother. She is 83 and has CHF, CKD, chronic anemia, and poor mobility. She lives alone in a condo, and I am feeling increasingly uneasy about that. She has had a non-healing wound on her foot for months, and finally the doctor laid out the options for her: she can continue with conservative care, which risks worse infection that could end up costing her a limb, or she can have surgery to amputate her big toe, in the hope that will preserve the rest of her foot and her ability to walk. She has opted for the surgery, which is to happen next week. But she didn’t ask any of the important questions: How will this affect my walking? What will recovery be like? Will I need PT? Etc., etc. I live 600 miles away, and I had just spent two weeks with her last month, so I wasn’t able to be at the surgery consult with her. I plan to be there for the surgery, but she keeps insisting that’s not necessary. She doesn’t think she will need any help with anything, despite the fact that she will be non-weight-bearing for at least three weeks, and then will have to adjust to having no big toe! Her balance is poor to begin with, and I don’t think the knee scooter will work for her, and her bathroom is not wheelchair accessible. I have been urging her to go to a skilled nursing facility after the surgery; I think she will be far safer and better cared for there. She’s acting like she’s going in to have a hangnail removed, not an amputation! Am I overreacting?
Losing a big toe is a giant big deal. She may very well decline after that and the inevitable below the knee amputation not too far off in the future
I think you should make it VERY clear to her, to ALL her doctors that she will not have help at home after the surgery.
A quick "google" search tells me this is not a super easy recovery and there can be other complications.
If you have access to her medical portal you might want to send a note to the doctor(s) expressing your concerns.
Are you on her medical HIPAA forms as a person that can get and give medical information? If not you might want to have mom sign that ASAP
If mom refuses a rehab facility would she accept a caregiver daily for a month or two?
I would strongly suggest you consider the idea of not going there for the surgery. She can't very well fib and say "my son/daughter will take care of me" if you're not there to take her home. If they think it's unsafe to discharge her they might keep her in the hospital a tiny bit longer and then discharge her to a rehab facility.
If you're there waiting with the car you have zero chance to convince them you're not ready and willing to do whatever she needs.