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I am so frustrated with my mother. She is 83 and has CHF, CKD, chronic anemia, and poor mobility. She lives alone in a condo, and I am feeling increasingly uneasy about that. She has had a non-healing wound on her foot for months, and finally the doctor laid out the options for her: she can continue with conservative care, which risks worse infection that could end up costing her a limb, or she can have surgery to amputate her big toe, in the hope that will preserve the rest of her foot and her ability to walk. She has opted for the surgery, which is to happen next week. But she didn’t ask any of the important questions: How will this affect my walking? What will recovery be like? Will I need PT? Etc., etc. I live 600 miles away, and I had just spent two weeks with her last month, so I wasn’t able to be at the surgery consult with her. I plan to be there for the surgery, but she keeps insisting that’s not necessary. She doesn’t think she will need any help with anything, despite the fact that she will be non-weight-bearing for at least three weeks, and then will have to adjust to having no big toe! Her balance is poor to begin with, and I don’t think the knee scooter will work for her, and her bathroom is not wheelchair accessible. I have been urging her to go to a skilled nursing facility after the surgery; I think she will be far safer and better cared for there. She’s acting like she’s going in to have a hangnail removed, not an amputation! Am I overreacting?

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Mom may need to prove to herself the consequences of the surgery. Sounds cruel and unnecessary but if she’s not listening there’s little you can do. I had foot surgery last year and was quite unprepared for how hard the recovery was, losing use of a foot and being non weight bearing is a huge obstacle to most everything. Consider sending the doctor a message advising of mom’s lack of understanding of the recovery process and her current insistence on recovery on her own. Recovery is going to be slow and so hard, definitely needs to happen in inpatient rehab. Accepting what you cannot change is part of protecting yourself, mom will figure it out
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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debreditor May 16, 2025
Thankfully, she spoke with the doctor today (unprompted by me!), and he agreed that going to a rehab would be best for her. On our third conversation about it, she finally agreed. Hallelujah! When she fell and broke a hip four years ago, she went to rehab for 2 weeks. She griped the whole time, but it was so worth it.
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Not overreacting. All of her decisions up until now are going to slap her in the face when this surgery is over.

Losing a big toe is a giant big deal. She may very well decline after that and the inevitable below the knee amputation not too far off in the future
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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debreditor May 16, 2025
I think you're right about the possibility of future amputations. We went through this with my late FIL, who had peripheral artery disease from so much smoking. First it was a few toes, then the foot, then the leg below the knee...then later fingers, not long before he died. I think this may end up being a turning point in terms of my mom living independently. I don't think she recognizes that, but I do, and I'm prepared for it--well, as much as I can be. The surgery is higher risk because of all of her other problems. We'll see how it goes.
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Not over reacting.
I think you should make it VERY clear to her, to ALL her doctors that she will not have help at home after the surgery.
A quick "google" search tells me this is not a super easy recovery and there can be other complications.
If you have access to her medical portal you might want to send a note to the doctor(s) expressing your concerns.
Are you on her medical HIPAA forms as a person that can get and give medical information? If not you might want to have mom sign that ASAP

If mom refuses a rehab facility would she accept a caregiver daily for a month or two?
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Reply to Grandma1954
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debreditor May 16, 2025
I need to double check the HIPAA forms--I think we have done this, but I'm not 100%. I finally got her to agree to go to a rehab. I hope we will be able to arrange some home care after that.
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You're not overreacting. If you have medical decision maker status with her doctor or medical POA you may be able to reach out to the doctor and ask what they think she will need after.

I would strongly suggest you consider the idea of not going there for the surgery. She can't very well fib and say "my son/daughter will take care of me" if you're not there to take her home. If they think it's unsafe to discharge her they might keep her in the hospital a tiny bit longer and then discharge her to a rehab facility.

If you're there waiting with the car you have zero chance to convince them you're not ready and willing to do whatever she needs.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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debreditor May 16, 2025
I don't feel comfortable not being there at all. The surgery is definitely a risk because of her other problems. I am her medical decision maker, and if there are complications, I want to be there. But I will be very clear with the staff that I'm going back home (even though I may not actually do that--they don't need to know) and that she lives alone. It worked out the last time she needed rehab--she had fallen and broken a hip. I went to help manage things--she needed bills taken care of and all sorts of other things--but we were clear that she lives alone, and they accepted that even though I was there in the hospital.
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