Mom with dementia asked dad, "When am I going to get better?"

My mom died a couple years ago now from complications of diabetes including severe coronary artery disease and vascular dementia. It took a very very long time for me to be able to tell mom that her walking and mobility might not get better and she would not be able to live at home alone in Pittsburgh again, but we had found a nice couple who would live in the house and pay the bills for us...she was always so worried about taking care of the house, I'd always have to bring her pictures and show her that the lawn had been done and the flowers were blooming, and tell her yes, I had dusted and run the vaccuum. Her response was maybe we could get an apartment for her here in Arkansas when she got better...and then she felt sad because the couple was sort of pushing her out as she would not want to have to make them leave if she ever could go back. (I never did manage to tell her I had actually SOLD the house to help pay for care, etc...I did not think she could handle that, to tell the truth I just barely could handle that myself!!) There had been a time when she could have gone back, but only with seroius home health help and a Lifeline, and she had kicked out home health agency people all three times I had tried to set something up with that. She would never have grasped. let alone accepted, that walking was not the big reason she could not go home alone either. I was able to tell her that her heart was bad, and when she asked if she might die from it I told her that was possible, but we would be trying lots of different medicines for it, which we did, knowing there was not going to be any real fix for it and therefore no more acute hospital stays. And it may have helped her to know that much, and she did start a little more praying (she had never been a church person; believed in a God, but just did not like services.) But inpatient hospice, once we had to go because the skilled nursing could no longer handle her medical care, I explained as just "a different kind of hospital" that was nicer and more focused on keeping her comfortable and would let us stay over with her. So I "sort of" told the truth or at least did not have to outright lie, but defintiely withheld the parts that I was too afraid would hurt her too much. She really kept up a lot of hope and never got horribly depressed. That is what I did and and no, I will never be entirely sure it was all "right," but it sure was my best effort at the time.

I lean on the side of telling the truth for a time or 2, at least I know that I've been up front and honest but after that I learned to dance around the subject be it death of a sibling, spouse, child or failing health. I can't have my emotions and heart hurt over and over; They don't remember but unfortunately we experience the pain.

I don't think there is any right answer. It depends upon the person, the relationship you have with that person, what their temperament is, etc. Having to tell someone over and over that their spouse is dead and has been for years is cruel in my opinion. Why do that to someone? The truth may make the person telling it feel better but it's not about us, it's about what's best for the person with ALZ. And like someone above me said, maybe tell the truth initially but then use other methods of getting around the painful subject if the person with ALZ continues to bring it up. Redirection, like someone suggested, is always an option and there are so many ways to redirect someone with ALZ. And I'm going to sound like a Pollyanna here. I'm not. I'm cynical and sarcastic but I have found that a genuine smile directed right at someone with ALZ has tremendous power and when I smile at someone like that, that person automatically smiles back. I'm not talking about grinning like a damn jack-o-lantern or the Joker but a warm, kind smile does wonders. So make fun of me for being a goody-two-shoes but it works and as someone who works in home healthcare a genuine, inviting smile is one of my tools I use when working with someone who has ALZ. :) :) :)

What you tell them probably is very dependent on the person, as well. For my mom, telling her works. We both accept it. But if she were to become angry I would come up with something else.

I had to laugh at those suggesting you tell them the truth. How many times? It is gut-wrenching EVERY time Mom "finds out" she has AD. I stop telling her after a few dozen times...now I just do what I always do when an uncomfortable topic comes up...DISTRACT. "Oh look at what the cat is doing! --- Would you like something to drink? --- I wonder what is on television?" Much easier that tearing our hearts out repeatedly. She may forget and get past it (until the next) time...but I don't and every time chips a piece of my heart away.

We told mom the truth and she became so angry with us accusing of trying to get all her money for ourselves. It was many months before she would talk with us so we never told her again. She is in denial and doesn't understand so we leave it at that.

I agree with N1K2R3 and Newandknew The truth is best--but consider this: often when we "prepare" to tell the truth and we feel it is BAD we tense up and allow it to change our voice and our faccial expression. Truth delivered with love demands that truth be told calmly and lovingly.

The answer is that- you are perfect just the way you are!! We don't get to exactly choose what happens to us through-out life on many levels. However, we can choose to love ourselves and others!! Namaste

Alzheimer's was much more difficult to deal with in the beginning when my mom KNEW something was going wrong. But, now when she asks I tell her she has Alzheimer's that a lot of research if being done but they don't know how to fix it yet. I also tell her that 50% of people over the age of 80 have some sort of dementia related issues. It helps that she then knows she is not alone in this. She has even asked me what studies are going on and if she could participate. I have checked into two different studies, one she was not eligible for because she has the APOE4 gene, the other she was not accepted because her memory is too far gone. We'll keep looking though.

"And the truth will set you free". Never be afraid of the truth.....painful, wrenching but , ever so necessary.
I expect many will disagree with me, but the truth is liberating.

You are very wise, my friend. You'll be handling these issues often. We tell the truth at first, but after that, whatever helps our loved one cope with life is best. Good luck and please keep sharing your wisdom and asking questions.
Carol

My mother-in-law has dementia/alz too. So far it's her memory only that has been affected, but she asks me quite often what the heck is wrong with her. She was a legal secretary for 25+ years and had to run 3 checks books, the whole office plus hire new people. She lives in asst living now, but she and I spend a lot of time together in my car going places, doing errands etc. When she asks me if something can be done about her memory which is BAD, I tell her no. I have never told her she has Alzheimer's for a couple of reasons. First she won't remember that I told her. Second, she can't do anything about it at this point except the meds that she's already on. Third, she'll get agitated and worried, then forget it a few minutes later, ask me again, get agitated and worried again, and the loop will go from there. So I just tell her 'I'm sorry there's nothing that can be done about your memory. It's just AWOL'. Or I'll tell her 'I think you wore it out'. Then she'll laugh and agree that she probably did. Me personally, having no brain impairment, would want to know the truth of my condition. But someone with dementia is NOT me, NOT normal brain function, and in my opinion NOT necessary. What's the point?