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Been with my partner for about 38 years. We have been very much in love till this horrible disease changed who he is. I am still in love with the person he was ..but am not in love with who he is now. Am I horrible?

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You are not horrible. At times you will hate him. At times you will love him. But realize this: Your man of 38 years is gone. My man of 48 years is gone. But they are both still here. Try to remember "they can't help it". That has helped me. Also, my husband has been on Seroquel since 9/24 last month. So far it has been a miracle drug for him and me. He has mild Dementia. Try that if you haven't already. It is going to be a horrible road for him and you but hang on to this forum and you will keep your sanity. Also, try to find a Alz/Dementia group where you all have things in common. Prayers.....
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Of course you aren't Gorlin. My heart feels squeezed right now as I try to put myself in your place. I wouldn't have the strength if I weren't in love.
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If you like to read, I recommend "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" by therapist Pauline Boss. She addresses this precise topic. The person you have loved all these years is no longer there; and yet, he is there and you are taking care of him. She writes about this "ambiguous loss" and how to cope with the stress and the grief.

Certainly you are not horrible.
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I think it's to be expected to feel like that. Doesn't mean all those years weren't wonderful and shouldn't be celebrated. In a way I think a person goes into mourning for the loss of that spouse with Alzheimers. But instead of the loved one being physically gone as in the case of cancer for example, they're still present but the brain is gone. My advice would be to change the way you think of love, it's a different kind of love now. Still love no matter how you slice it tho. ♥ I'm so sorry for your loss. ♥
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