Really struggling mentally... I am my Father's PA. No relationship whatsoever, my visits centre round THE LIST, all the stuff he needs, many of which he could do himself. Sorting out his pills, making calls, taking items of clothing from his wardrobe. Talks at me, doesn't want anyone's opinion or views on better ways to get things done. The laziness drives me nuts, he had a hip operation last year and has neuropathy, he IS MOBILE has a walker, but doesn't move from his chair, even has a wee bottle, but is totally capable of getting to the toilet. He has care at home where all his meals are brought to him so just compounds the laziness. I have fibromyalgia, and it's a total chore I don't look forward to seeing him and just feel resentment. Then of course I feel the guilt of feeling this way.
You are your Father's PA (as you put it).
Why you? Is there a long list of whys or just one: You are there.
If POA, you do not need to be at his beck and call. You have to do no caring for him. POA is for when he is not mentally capable of making informed decisions so as his agent you make them for him. You take what money he has and pay bills and pay for his care. If he can do for himself, then tell him your not doing anything for him, he can't do for himself.
I know people who suffer from fibromyalgia and it can be painful and debilitating. When you are having a bad day or werk, you can't do for him. Its what it is. He can hire a Home Health aide to do everything you have listed. Pill planners can be for a whole month.
I think that your being at Dad's beck and call is enabling him. The less he does, the more deterioration will occur in his body and the less he will be ABLE to do.
You yourself have an illness and your first duty is to keep yourself well for you and for your own family.
Start extricating yourself from all this. When you visit your father tell him you are not there as an aid worker, that you have your own limitations of body, but are there to have a pleasant sit-down visit with him. When it becomes unpleasant tell him that since your visit isn't making him happier, but rather SADDER, you will be leaving, and will return soon.
Bring him some little treat to eat, or something you think he will like. A glossy book or magazine of old cars did it for my bro. Visit briefly and leave.
Much of this is in your own hands. As a grownup now you will have to honor your own limitations, care for yourself, provide some brief comfort to Dad, and if the latter is impossible leave him with a light heart knowing you tried.
Best wishes out to you and PLEASE do take care of yourself.
There certainly are some folk that seem to think nominating a POA is like bestowing a knighthood or something... almost like an ancient fealty ceremony.
Do only what you want and or can manage.
He should do what he is able to do for himself.
If he wants something done and you can not do it or do not wish to do it he can hire someone.
If he is cognizant tell him how things are going to go from now on.
Let him know what day you can be there to help him out.
Stop letting him bully you.
You have to take care of yourself.
FF advised making a list of all the things you are doing. Then mark half of those off and maybe even half of those.
Then present the complete list including the mark offs to the parent and tell the parent this is all I’m doing. Her parents were in their late 90s so she would remind them that she was a senior herself.
Keep to your list and let Dad work on how he will get the other things done. He is resourceful after all. Look how much he has you doing.
What I’ve noticed with others and a time or two with myself🥹 is that we humans can get a bit “precious” with ourselves at the expense of others, especially after an illness or hospital stay. And to be fair, we spoil our loved ones for various reasons.
My mom had a saying when a request was made of her “I won’t promise you more than I can do”.
We fail to set our intentions which would help curb their expectations. And while they have you doing everything for them, they have plenty of time to think of other things for you to do. Maybe they feel you will only show up if there is work you need to do?
He might qualify for home health for the homebound through Original Medicare, if he has that insurance. Homebound doesn’t mean they aren’t allowed to leave home, just that it is difficult for them to go out on their own. Look this up under Part B on Medicare.gov. He could sure use the therapy to get him up and moving.
And do make a list of things you need to do for yourself. Most caregjvers find that they neglect their own families, homes, health, finances and social life. If you fill your calendar with your own responsibilities you can commiserate with dad how much time it takes to keep up with things instead of feeling like the unappreciated help. You can offer him tidbits of your life that he might enjoy. You might be able to develop that relationship with him that you are missing and actuslly want to go visit him.
You need a break, a refresh, a reset. Time away will help. You don’t need permission or a long conversation. Look up Townsend and Cloud’s book “Boundaries” It has helped many on this forum.