Is there a wrong way to grieve/not grieve?

Amazing, and courageous responses. Couldn’t have added a thing! I will say, I wish for all of us that I knew a healthier and happier way to face the end. My journal holds many memoirs of days I felt I couldn’t find the nose on my face, much less patience for my Mom to just be free.
Only grateful for who she was, and what she taught me.

Condolences on your loss. You may not feel much more than relief, or you may. My mother was mentally ill all her life and that was a burden to me. As she aged I became her POA medical and financial which increased the burden. I did love my mother and respected the good things about her but felt nothing but relief when she finally passed. aged 106. Life with her was always a mine field. Now I am able to recall more of the good than the bad (which was more plentiful) and that is a blessing.

Their is no right or wrong way to grieve. I grieved the lack of a nurturing mother all my life. Grief becomes problematic when people get stuck in anger, guilt or etc. Sounds like you are doing very well.

Grief can become dysfunctional but, based on what you've written, I think there is little risk that yours will become dysfunctional.

Some days will be harder than others. Firsts are hard e.g. the first birthday, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving etc. without her. Allow yourself to feel sad. And remember to be gentle with and kind to yourself.

May her memory be a blessing to you.

From your description I’d say your grieving is very appropriate. I also felt like I lost my mother twice. The first time was when she had such an enormous stroke that took away her every ability and suddenly I went from having a mom that I did a lot with, was very close to emotionally, to having a mom who was unable to do anything and emotionally detached. Then four years later she died and I lost her all over again. There have definitely been moments of intense loss, but there also have been times of almost gratitude that the torture she went through is passed. And over time, the smiles at the memories have become more than the tears. As for asking if there’s a wrong way to grieve, most will say no. My thought is yes, I’ve seen some who just can’t get to a place of acceptance, who can’t move forward, no matter the time that’s passed. I don’t think that grief is healthy for anyone

I think those who suffer from guilt the least have it the most easy at the end. I don't really feel any guilt where my bro is concerned. We were so close all our lives, understood one another so well, there was no leftover "stuff". We were raised by parents who loved us, realized all humans are unique and have limitations, but who encouraged us to do our best and be our best selves. I think then, if you have done your best and if you have suffered for the losses you saw your Mom endure, and were honest about the losses it meant in your OWN life, and there was nothing ahead but loss, then this time contains relief along with grief. People on the forum often talk about guilt. I can't imagine where that comes from. Is it religion? Is it how a parent raised them making them daily feel not "good enough"? I keep saying "If you intentional physically or mentally hurt someone you can feel guilty; otherwise perhaps you are using the wrong word".
I DO grieve the recent loss of my bro. I made a diary I can "write letters" to him with, make collages. But I will tell you also that I feel relief for him. He was frank to tell me he didn't really want a long slow slide into what Lewy's dementia is. He was "ready" to go. And in his last days I literally prayed for him to be allowed to go. I am relieved he need suffer no more in the slow slide that would take away his dignity and strength a cut at a time.
I felt the same when my Dad passed. A good long life of a good and decent man. We all did our best. I went outside in the cold air and took a long breath and thought "I don't have to be afraid for you any more; I can be at peace; nothing can ever hurt you again".
I think there are times we get poleaxed by pain, just miss the person so, think of something we want to tell him or her about, think of something funny or sweet they said, think about a moment when we failed and wish we had done better, and we just utter their names, and miss them so.
But you and I seem to grieve in the same way. They did their best. We did our best. This is the end that comes to each man and each woman. They cannot be hurt again. We did the best we could, and the agony that is the end is OVER.
Perhaps it is just a function of how we are made. Perhaps we are of a more pragmatic or practical nature? I'm not certain.
Hugs to you.

I don’t think grief will overwhelm you down the road. My mom died a couple years ago after testing my patience for years trying to help her and dad. They were so stubborn, refused any help, except from me of course, and I was exhausted when she died.

It took me months to get over the last years of anger and frustration and remember what a good mother and person she had been. I’ve grieved in bits and pieces since, never a sobbing breakdown, just moments here and there, looking at old pictures etc. My mom had a hard life. I think about that more these days. It shaped who she was and how she navigated through her life.

Im still looking after my dad, he’s on hospice in a nursing home now with advanced dementia.

Good luck to you. It takes time.

I am so sorry for your loss.

May God grant you grieving mercies and strength during this difficult time.

I think that it is wonderful that you can remember the good times before you started losing your mom. It says a tremendous amount about the love you shared with her. I never had the break down after I lost my grandmother, I grieved while she was alive, leaving me one brain cell at a time over a decade. I was happy that her struggle with AD was finally over and she could finally be at peace.

Take care of you now and know that she is finally at peace.