My mother will be 100 years old on May 7th 2025. She no longer wants to be here. Her dementia has gotten worse in the past month and she is imagining and hallucinating things that include friends and family accusing them of doing things that we know are in her mind but not true. She only tells my sister and I what she thinks they are doing to her but as yet has not outright said anything to friends and family but in conversation when we have visitors we hear her say things to them that are not true and things that never happened. She no longer wants to eat, get out of bed or for my sister or I to help shower her. She doesn't want to go to the Dr and has expressed she wants to be left alone to die. She has been to ER several times in the past 6 months as she has fallen. In the last fall she fractured her foot. I told her the only way she can not do anything anymore is that she will have to let people do things for her to meet her needs. ie In home Health care, pallentive care through Hospice, medical insurance or VA. She said they'll take her away, and that we never listen to her wishes. I tried to explain that she will be home my sister and I will be here 24/7 that's is the only way it can be done because we have to insure to the law that she is safe and in a safe environment. I don't know if I'm saying the right thing or not. She keeps saying to let her go in peace
Also, as others have said, reassure YOURSELF that your mom may not understand this. She may forget. She may have delusions of you saying something entirely different, and it drowns out the real conversation you had. She may never get how you're trying to do what she wants. She may say cruel and unfair and untrue things. I'm sorry. There's nothing you can do about that. Remind yourself that you're doing what she wants and carry on.
Also...it's ok to not give her ALL the information if it's too much. It's ok to explain things in ways she'll understand rather than by using the "proper" terms that she is misunderstanding. If her memory is not good or she's having delusions, she may not remember what you told her today anyway. So tell her whatever it takes to keep her calm and content. If she doesn't understand what hospice is, then it's ok to tell her "ok, right, sure, no hospice then, we'll just let nature take its course. These folks [from hospice] are just here to help you be comfortable at home."
Good luck. Take care of yourself.
Reassure your mom. Comfort your mom. Let your mom eat and drink only as she wishes.
And definitely call hospice TODAY( you don't have to have her doctor do it)and get them on board ASAP, so your mom can die in peace.
I’m guessing she can’t VSED since she isn’t competent. Does hospice visit?
I want to second your advice, here.
When Mum was no longer thriving, water was always available to wet her mouth, but she was no longer persuaded to eat and drink.
Her husband found this difficult, as he felt we were starving her to death, and I tried to explain to him that taking in nourishment that her body could no longer process would be more uncomfortable to Mum than not eating.
If someone is nearing the end of their life, it should be their choice whether they eat or drink or get out of bed. Keeping them comfortable should be their loved one's only concern.
You are absolutely right that it’s time to look at other agencies to assist. You can’t put your own physical or mental health at risk because again as cwillie pointed out, she may need care for months to come.
If you chose to go with your mothers wishes i would seriously look to support groups to help you cope with this decision. Are you sure you are strong enough ?
As for stories - My friends mother used to make up stories. She was taken on a cruise with the daughter and while there told the cruise staff that her daughter was man handling her. My friend got a visit from someone telling her she cant treat her mother like that and she would be reported! When she confronted her mother - (very upset) and asked why she would say such a thing her mother actually replied to her - i didnt mean it i was just joking! - Sometimes they are aware of what they are doing. Just tell people in advance to take what she says with a pinch of salt. Thats said dont dismiss 'everything' because sometimes old folk do see things and are being taken advantage of because they are old - so a realistic eye on everything. Maybe speak to her afterwards and ask her why she said that or why she thinks that?
Not sure if this is right or not but i would make an excuse that she needs medical care for something and get her into a hospice. Sometime recovering from hospital and the pain etc can make people feel like they dont want to go on but with treatment maybe they can change their mind. Maybe the hospice can help her recover? or as said - help her to comfortably go. best wishes.
Oh and absolutely, it’s fine to tell her she doesn’t need to do anything she doesn’t want to do, including eating or going back to the hospital.
The watch words for the last year of my husband’s life were “care and comfort”, and that guided our decision-making.
Listen to your mom. It is her body and her life.