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My mother will be 100 years old on May 7th 2025. She no longer wants to be here. Her dementia has gotten worse in the past month and she is imagining and hallucinating things that include friends and family accusing them of doing things that we know are in her mind but not true. She only tells my sister and I what she thinks they are doing to her but as yet has not outright said anything to friends and family but in conversation when we have visitors we hear her say things to them that are not true and things that never happened. She no longer wants to eat, get out of bed or for my sister or I to help shower her. She doesn't want to go to the Dr and has expressed she wants to be left alone to die. She has been to ER several times in the past 6 months as she has fallen. In the last fall she fractured her foot. I told her the only way she can not do anything anymore is that she will have to let people do things for her to meet her needs. ie In home Health care, pallentive care through Hospice, medical insurance or VA. She said they'll take her away, and that we never listen to her wishes. I tried to explain that she will be home my sister and I will be here 24/7 that's is the only way it can be done because we have to insure to the law that she is safe and in a safe environment. I don't know if I'm saying the right thing or not. She keeps saying to let her go in peace

Adding my voice that yes, it's ok. Reassure your mom that hospice IS letting her go in peace. Have her sign (or tell her you are signing) the necessary paperwork to make it clear to hospice that she does NOT want CPR/"extraordinary measures", NOT want to go to hospital, NOT want anything but palliative care.

Also, as others have said, reassure YOURSELF that your mom may not understand this. She may forget. She may have delusions of you saying something entirely different, and it drowns out the real conversation you had. She may never get how you're trying to do what she wants. She may say cruel and unfair and untrue things. I'm sorry. There's nothing you can do about that. Remind yourself that you're doing what she wants and carry on.

Also...it's ok to not give her ALL the information if it's too much. It's ok to explain things in ways she'll understand rather than by using the "proper" terms that she is misunderstanding. If her memory is not good or she's having delusions, she may not remember what you told her today anyway. So tell her whatever it takes to keep her calm and content. If she doesn't understand what hospice is, then it's ok to tell her "ok, right, sure, no hospice then, we'll just let nature take its course. These folks [from hospice] are just here to help you be comfortable at home."

Good luck. Take care of yourself.
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Reply to WanderingAster
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Your mother is no longer able to respond rationally to anything you say at this point, so it is of little import what you say. She won't remember it or respond rationally to it. It is important now to get Hospice in to help you provide comfort care for her in her last days. It is important to let her know that you WILL let her go in comfort with as much peace as you are able to provide. It is important that Hospice understand that they should administer medications to keep mom sedated and comfortable until the end, even if these medications hasten her death by some minutes, hours, or even days.
Reassure your mom. Comfort your mom. Let your mom eat and drink only as she wishes.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Of course it's all right. Your mom is 100 years old for Pete's sake and deserves to do what she wants, if she wants and when she wants.
And definitely call hospice TODAY( you don't have to have her doctor do it)and get them on board ASAP, so your mom can die in peace.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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It must be terrible to want to die but your body isn’t ready for that yet. And throw dementia on top of it where she doesn’t understand. I’m sorry you are in this stage.

I’m guessing she can’t VSED since she isn’t competent. Does hospice visit?
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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Get hospice in through the doctor if you are able. Keep her pain free and comfortable and clean and attempt to do all you can to prevent bed sores. Do not push food or fluid she doesn't wish to have. Good luck. You are correct. She should not now have to do anything she doesn't wish to do, including take her "pills". The reason you want hospice in now is that things will get uncomfortable as she becomes restless, confused and picking at things as the organ shutdown comes. She may need assistance of meds to keep airway free of mucus. You need that help available to keep her comfortable.
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MiaMoor May 2, 2025
I know this is an old post, Alva, but I think it could still be helpful to someone looking for help.
I want to second your advice, here.

When Mum was no longer thriving, water was always available to wet her mouth, but she was no longer persuaded to eat and drink.
Her husband found this difficult, as he felt we were starving her to death, and I tried to explain to him that taking in nourishment that her body could no longer process would be more uncomfortable to Mum than not eating.
If someone is nearing the end of their life, it should be their choice whether they eat or drink or get out of bed. Keeping them comfortable should be their loved one's only concern.
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People are going to tell you that it's her choice to do whatever she wants, but You and your sister are part of this equation too and your needs must also be considered. Continue to care for her as though she has many more months to live, because the reality is that wanting to die doesn't make it so. Continue to offer the food she likes: to reject it or eat it is her choice. Washing and taking care of her body is still necessary because rashes, sores and pressure ulcers will cause her pain and suffering and you (and sis) regret and stress. Get hospice involved if you can.
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MidwestOT Jan 26, 2025
I forgot to add to my previous reply and agree with cwillie that certain things must be done to keep her comfortable and safe, but if she doesn’t want a shower, then she needs a bed bath, etc. Another reason to begin hospice is that they will provide an alternating pressure pad mattress to prevent pressure wounds if she chooses to stay in bed.

You are absolutely right that it’s time to look at other agencies to assist. You can’t put your own physical or mental health at risk because again as cwillie pointed out, she may need care for months to come.
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i think you need to enter your mother into palative care/hospice who will ensure she is made 'comfortable' to go?
If you chose to go with your mothers wishes i would seriously look to support groups to help you cope with this decision. Are you sure you are strong enough ?
As for stories - My friends mother used to make up stories. She was taken on a cruise with the daughter and while there told the cruise staff that her daughter was man handling her. My friend got a visit from someone telling her she cant treat her mother like that and she would be reported! When she confronted her mother - (very upset) and asked why she would say such a thing her mother actually replied to her - i didnt mean it i was just joking! - Sometimes they are aware of what they are doing. Just tell people in advance to take what she says with a pinch of salt. Thats said dont dismiss 'everything' because sometimes old folk do see things and are being taken advantage of because they are old - so a realistic eye on everything. Maybe speak to her afterwards and ask her why she said that or why she thinks that?
Not sure if this is right or not but i would make an excuse that she needs medical care for something and get her into a hospice. Sometime recovering from hospital and the pain etc can make people feel like they dont want to go on but with treatment maybe they can change their mind. Maybe the hospice can help her recover? or as said - help her to comfortably go. best wishes.
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Reply to Jenny10
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When my husband went on hospice last year, he did not want the home health aide to come and give him a sponge bath. He did agree to one visit, and by the time the kind young woman was done, he wanted her to come again. I would recommend gently introducing people and reinforce that they are coming to help her so that she may go in peace. I don’t think it’s necessary to explain everything when you know her wishes; trust that you are making choices out of love for her.

Oh and absolutely, it’s fine to tell her she doesn’t need to do anything she doesn’t want to do, including eating or going back to the hospital.
The watch words for the last year of my husband’s life were “care and comfort”, and that guided our decision-making.
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Reply to MidwestOT
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My mom signed a form stating that she is not to be taken to the hospital for any reason. A social worker talked to her to make sure this is what she wants, and it is.

Listen to your mom. It is her body and her life.
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