In-home care question: how do you get your parents used to the idea of having it?

Discuss the fact that you will not be able to stay with them to help care as you have in the past. Assure them you will help with interviewing and "training" the new person(s) to care as you do. In time, "the help" can become dear friends as well as trusted caregivers. BTW, my MIL has 2 in-home caregivers for several years and they are very precious to her.

We had the same problem. My father broke his leg at the same time as my mother had a slight stroke. They both needed attending to and expected us to care for them hand and foot, which we did. We finally said enough. My dad didn't want strangers in the house but a very old friend of his recommended a woman who had a few women working for her who did at-home care. The woman ended up being a thief and actually attacked my sister. We then arranged for caregivers from a home health agency and that has worked out. So, while other commenters may have suggestions for acclimating your father to home health, my suggestion is to tell him you can't do it anymore and you will locate and interview professional agencies. In fact, agencies might have ideas for getting a parent used to the idea of caregivers. If you think it would help, invite your father to talk to the agency salesperson with you.

One question to ask yourself, why should he have strangers in the house when you are there to do the work? Have you considered not helping to force him to face reality?

Have you asked him why he is worried? If it is jewelry, lock it up. If liquor, the same. Try to ease his mind if possible. I am looking at hiring "strangers". I am concerned. I am going to put my jewelry, and a few small expensive things in the guest room and locking the door. I will hire a company so I don't have to worry about insurance, etc.

My case is different because it is my husband, not father. I just told him it was for me, not him. I hired our cleaning ladies who worked for our Chiropractor. That made them not quite strangers. The gardener worked next door and I just said this is the way it is. Again, not quite a stranger.

Be there with them for the first week or so that you have strangers in the house. That might help both of them transition to getting help from others. As well, you or someone in the family should be popping in and out at random times to be sure the hired help is doing what they are supposed to do.

I would even add a camera to the mix to see what's going on during the day. Sadly, you never really know what you are getting when you hire a babysitter or an adult care person. Some folks work and earn their hourly pay and some will play on their phone all day --- and nothing will tick off an elder person more than knowing a person getting paid by the hour and not putting in an hour's work!

I understand your situation. My parents are 92 and 88. Both lived independently in a single story remodeled home until over a year ago when mother (88) had a stroke. While she was in rehab, I arranged 3 times a week, 3 hours a day, caregiver/housekeeping with Visiting Angels. She cleaned, helped dad with meals and helped cover some hours of company /sitting with Dad while I was working and with mom. Mom recovered almost completely from her stroke. We had that arrangement for 1 year and it worked well. As others said, we dont consider her a stranger anymore. Mom has called her to help outside of her hours and she is agreeable to help. Two months ago, Dad, 92 had a stroke. His recovery has been more difficult. Speech problems and needs help with most ADLs to some degree. I hired a private caregiver for nights so we can all sleep. She works 8p-8a and gets him ready for bed and up and toileted and dressed in the am and makes his breakfast and cleans up. We still have the Angel 3 times per week for housekeeping and she is excellent with dad so she does his baths usually. I just hired a new private caregiver for 4 hours, the other days and on weekends. I am targeting 15-16 hrs of caregivers per day/7 days a week. My mother can assist him but not for a 12 hour stretch. I use their money to pay for their care. I am living with them temporarily to get this set up. It has been A lot. I work full time but can work remotely from home. Yard guy comes every 2 weeks. I called the local Hospice for a list of caregivers and that is how I found the private caregivers. Not all caregivers work out. some are just not a good fit or don't have availability to meet what we need. . Dad sometimes acts out when a new caregiver comes through the agency so the private, familiar faces are better. There are Challenges with payments and covering hours. But So worth it for the peace of mind and giving myself the freedom to have a life and not be a primary caregiver. Arrange the caregivers for your mom. Your dad will adjust and if you get lucky, might enjoy their company as well. good luck.

Good luck. My parents are/were in their late 80s. 12 years ago my mom had a stroke and dad willingly took up her care. Maybe 8 years ago, he had to have a leg amputated (diabetes) and I was lucky enough to put together a lot of home care for them. (I live 3 hours away.) They eventually let most of the aides go--which left us scrambling when they truly did need it. Then my dad died from COVID before there was a vax. The crew I've put together now for my mom? Yikes. You imagine it, we've seen it. There aren't many options here. We now are applying to nursing homes.

Beatty said it perfectly. My parents and husband's aunt bawked about strangers in their homes.

We first started with a "housekeeper" limited hours each week. As they got to know their sitters and realized how much help they were everyone were best friends.

The hours have been extended and new caregivers added to the team. Sister and I still see mom each week. Husband and I see Aunt every week. It takes time and good communication to coordinate the
caregivers but it is so worth it.

The primary care doctor can send a physical therapist to access their home for safety measures needed. They will
recommend changes and safety items needed.

The best of luck!

A townhouse is a disaster with stairs for elderly parents. Even single family homes with stairs are bad.

I recommend having a discussion with your parents about moving to assisted living. Continuing in their home will lead to not being able to access certain parts of their home.

You will exhaust yourself with working and caring for your parents without outside help. Outside help will no longer be strangers once they come regularly.

The concern also is the upkeep of the home. At a certain point, it will be too much. Why fuss with taking care of the house, your mother, your concerned father? Independent/assisted living might be the best answer. Doors are wider, bathroom access easier, and assistance more available.

"Dad doesn't want strangers in his house"

This is very very common. I mean, who ever does right?

The 'strangers' won't be strangers for very. Very shortly they will be familiar friendly faces & they will adapt.

The fact is they need more help. So had family help in home (#1 choice).
Once this option was exhausted/exceeded/no longer working, they have chosen non-family care in home (#2) over moving.
In time, many do exceed home or it no longer works, then yes, a NH option is left (#3). Many can make #2 work for a long time though.

I now see it as *accepting help* is the 1st challenge. Then *accepting non-family help* as the 2nd challenge.

What's the alternative to acceptance? Well.. the family still get exhausted/no longer working. If no non-family are let in, the falls, dehydration, infections, not-coping mental stress/illness *aka a crisis* happens faster. Then ER, then rehab, then home with non-family support services.
Some then DO accept the services at this forced stage. The ones that don't, cycle around this crisis cycle again, until NH or demise.

On a cheerier note 😄 with your help & advocacy, I'm sure you will all adapt wonderfully.
My family has done so 🤗.

Any type of change is difficult for the elderly. Losing their independence is a major blow. Moving out of their homes is even worse. Making financial planning ahead of their deaths is very traumatic too. You have to be sensitive to their feelings. Lots of patience on your part is needed to persuade them gradually to the required changes in their routines. Adapting to the problems brought by aging and poor health is difficult and it takes time. They can't escape from reality and eventually will agree. Please be patient and sensitive.

Never agree to the arrangement that a parent will "never" go into a nursing home. No one can ever know the circumstances that precede this decision, and many who thought they would never want if for their parent desperately needed it as a sanity-saving solution.

If your parent insists on staying in their home (and has full rational cognition) then they must accept other help if you don't want to or can't do it. You are under no obligation to provide the help yourself. No one can be assumed into this role because it is all-consuming.

You tell your father that the help is for *you*... that you've been carrying the load for quite a while (gladly) but now you need a break. You don't tell him how long the "break" will last. Also, what happens when you get sick? Or need to go on vacation? You get to still have your life and he needs to accept this. Don't take no for an answer.

As for how long will it take? It is different for every person and situation. The better the aid, the more experienced they are, the faster it will probably go.

sorry...I posted an answer but it went to the wrong question and now I can not leave this blank!
Now I have to find the question that I had actually made my comment to. Have no idea what went wrong as another answer totally disappeared.