My 83 year old husband has dementia and spinal osteoarthritis. He keeps falling and is getting out of bed and falling. His doctor said he thinks it’s time. Currently we live in a continuum assisted living community. My two grown daughters think it’s the wrong time during COVID and that he will just be lying in bed by himself. I feel so sad and guilty but I am also very tired. Thanks

Your daughters should do some research on what their dad’s care will be like in skilled nursing and not just assume he’ll be lying in bed. If his doctor thinks it’s time and you’re exhausted by his care, those are good signs it’s time. It doesn’t mean you don’t care, it shows you care enough to provide him with care that will be safe for his needs
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Daughterof1930

I’m not sure your daughters have any idea of how difficult this is for you. Taking care of a loved one, particularly one with your husbands issues is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. I’d talk to them and tell them how you feel and how your own health is suffering. Would they consider helping you.
Even if there wasn’t covid, there is never a good time to go into a nursing home. It becomes an issue of necessity. Sooner or later, the decision ultimately comes down to what is the best thing for you and your husband. If you’re doctor thinks it’s time, they’re probably right
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Reply to M1k2s3

You are the make the answers. Let the daughters come in for just a week, 24/7, and let them get the "feel" of what it's like to be a caregiver. I'm going to have to make the same decision one of these days for my husband, and his grown sons will not influence me. They're both out of state and only see him once a year, and they know what I'm going through. Whether or not they approve of any or all of my decisions aren't going to matter. They know that I'm doing my best for caring for their dad. So, please don't feel guilty in making the right decision for him and yourself. Best to you.....I understand. Prayers.
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Reply to lovepat69
lynina2 Jul 9, 2020
Depending on the facility, daughters may not be able to visit the parents. Some assisted living facilities are in lockdown. This is quite a difficult situation for anyone who is a caregiver. There is no adult daycare, and I'm not sure if skilled nursing facilities have much of an activities program due to Covid.
Your daughters don’t get a vote. Your DH’s doctor has said it is time, you know you can no longer manage.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Tothill

If your 2 grown children feel he needs to stay home then they need to help. Not just once in a while but on a regular basis, so that you can count on the help. They need to realize that you can only do so much with out destroying your own health. You need to be able to count on others to help and for you to take breaks and go out, even if it's just for a cup of coffee with a friend. I understand how difficult caring for someone with dementia is - I'm caring for my father. He's been with me for 5 years. Your husband also has the physical problem. I'm 20 years younger than my father and it's still very difficult. I would imagine that you would be around his age, physically and emotionally the situation is very taxing.
Let them know that their help is needed or you must look into a nursing home because the situation is more than you can do.

I wish you luck in your decisions
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to carebear864

I’m sorry. It is extremely drainingTo be the caregiver and I don’t think you realize how much until your LO does go to long term care. Remember, any decision you make is made with love. There is no wrong decision, it’s just a decision. It's a horrible disease. Best wishes.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Franklin2011

Are your daughters taking care of dad?
If not then they should have little to say in this matter.
The ONE guide I used is SAFETY
If it was no longer safe for HIM for me to care for him at home I would have made the difficult decision to place my Husband.
If it was no longer safe for ME to care for him at home I would have had to place him.
I never wanted to injure him while I was taking care of him and I never wanted to get hurt myself.
I got lucky and when he fell he did not hurt himself and I was able to call 911 to ask for a "Lift Assist"
When it became more difficult for me to get him up and out of bed he was on Hospice and with the equipment that I was able to get from them I never had a problem transferring him.
So..if there is any possibility that you would get hurt caring for your husband, (who would care for both of you at that point?) or if there is a possibility that he would get hurt the decision is really pretty clear.
Your option would be to have caregivers some in and help you when you need help. Mornings getting him out of bed? do you need help changing him? do you need help showering him? Would you need a whole day of help or a few hours each day. (personally you need a break from care-giving so at least 2 days a week you should have someone there all day so you you get a break.
And by the way he might not need "Skilled Nursing" he might do well in Memory Care
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Grandma1954

Often when they fall all the time assisted living will evaluate whether they can stay or need more care. It’s not a matter of if he will break a bone but when.
by Skilled Nursing, I assume you mean long term care or nursing home setting. Yes, even with dementia and fragility this can be where they are placed.
since you are in a continuum care residence, have you considered a memory care section and perhaps he needs to be in a wheelchair to prevent falls?
you might have a consultation with the director of memory care and see if that fits his situation better.
I would not let Covid define what happens. That will be here a long time. Yes you are tired and do not feel guilt for doing what just plain needs to be done. Your husband needs care and you can't provide it.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Harpcat

I had my Mom in skilled nursing for a while. As a nurse I don't highly recommend them and here is why. They are grossly understaffed, staff turnover high and they are not paid well. So things are sloppy and lazy. Right now during the COVID pandemic the risk is very high that he could get COVID. I would recommend if your daughters could help out or you get someone form an agency to come in. Medicare does not pay for Skilled Nursing and it runs around $500/day. Sorry to be so negative but I am being honest. I spent a great deal of time with my Mom in skilled nursing and saw everything first hand. My Mom succumbed to COVID 19 in the Skilled Nursing area of her retirement home.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to scubakitty
Snooky76 Jul 9, 2020
Scubakitty, My hwp went for rehab after a week long hospital stay. It was at a skilled nursing facility. When his rehab goals were met, I planned to bring him home, but when Covid-19 was brought in by the staff, he was put in quarantine for eight days because of a slight sore throat. All PT, OT, etc. was given in the resident rooms with limited space to move about and his PT goals were never met. Then many Covid-19 cases were discovered and everyone in the facility, patients and staff were tested. He tested positive and lost 20+ lbs. He is still in quarantine on day 43. Not allowed out of bed, still getting some PT, OT. I want to bring him home with home health care but the facility is refusing, saying it is not a safe discharge plan. I just want to give him a chance to have proper nutrition (not now enough calories to regain anything), and proper medicines (new ones substituted and they have serious or moderate interactions with each other and with another medication he needs daily). Because they can cause bleeding and bruising, their answer is to keep him in bed. On home health care, after 30 days, I plan to put him in a different facility locally where he will be cared for by a loving family for the few months he has left. Now having to involve lawyers and ombudsman to get him discharged!
It is time, you are worn out, time to take care of you. Covid could go on for quite awhile. Daughters do not get a vote. Talk to the facility about getting the move arranged, after all, restrictions are beginning to ease on skilled nursing facilities.
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Reply to gladimhere

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